Dear Mom

Letters to my dead mother

[angelswillfollowme]

Sunday - 1/27/13

          Mom,

                            Here I am writing to you at the end of another uneventful weekend. Though, to be fair. I actually had been planning on going out yesterday but plans fell through. Honestly I don't even care. Unfortunately, with all this nothingness, my sleeping schedule has gone all out of whack. I sleep when I finally get exhausted and wake up when I finally feel like not forcing myself to stay asleep. I really need to get out of the habit so I just took some Nyquil which will hopefully knock me out soon so I can finally get an early start tomorrow.

                             Who am I kidding. though? Even if it does work tonight, I'll probably get back into the habit in a couple of days. At least when you were alive I had a good excuse for my terrible sleeping schedule. Now it's just because I'm lazy and obsessed with TV.

                              You know the main reason I would stay up crazy hours was to wake you up for your 2 or 3 o'clock pill but what you didn't know was that I would also do it to keep an eye on you. Even when your pills got switched around and you didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night I would still stay awake next to you or in the next room. When you were in the hospital and the nurse was just a call button away I would still stay up late into the early morning hours just to keep an eye on you. If you needed to use the bathroom I needed to be there to help push the IV machine. If you needed some water, I needed to be there to get you some ice and straws. If you needed to change positions, I needed to be there to readjust your pillows for you. You could've done most of these things alone or with the help of a nurse, and you sometimes did when I would finally get some sleep in, but for the most part I just felt I needed to be the one to help you.

                               Sometimes I would stay up just to literally keep an eye on you. I used to look up from my computer and over to you in the middle of the night to watch you sleep. I liked to make sure you weren't sleeping fitfully and, honestly, I would sometimes just find peace in the fact that you were still alive. I could see your chest slowly rise and fall and it just made me content to know that I still had you in my life. I know many people didn't realize it but I was very apprehensive during all of this. Behind all the smiles and jokes and even the snarkyness I knew we were all just hanging by a thread. I knew cancer was a very serious disease and, though I had so much faith in your recovery, I understood that things could easily go the other way. And it did. And just because I understood it didn't mean I was ready for it.

                                I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you like crazy and I wish I could just walk into the next room and see you lying in your bed, you chest slowly rising and falling. I wish I could feel that peace in knowing I could just walk over and hold your hand or kiss your forehead or tell you I love you (and know you can hear it). But I can't. Because you're dead. And it hurts so freaking bad.

                                Please, please, please let there be a heaven so I can one day be with you again.

                                     Always with you,

                                                         Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

I came across your beautiful letter and I felt like you were telling my story :'( I have been where you are but my mom has been gone for almost nine years this April. I still feel like it was yesterday. Slowly healing day by day. I can't say it gets better just gets tolerable. I will be praying for you.

   Thank you so much for this. I'm sorry you had to go through it as well. It's such a horrible experience but knowing that there are other people who have been in your shoes and learned to bear it over time definitely helps. I know it will never be the same without her as I'm sure you've come to find in these past nine years but we must continue to live our lives as they would have wanted us to. I can't say I'm quite there yet but hopefully this blog will eventually help me get back on track.

Thank you again for your message and support

[angelswillfollowme]

Friday - 1/25/13

            Mom,

                                     Today is the one month anniversary of your death. It's a little hard to believe that thirty-one days ago I was holding your hand and anxiously dreading your last breath. Thirty-one days ago I still had a mother. Thirty-one days ago, my father was a married man. Thirty-one days ago, that horrible disease plucked you from my life and decided to make you another one of it's casualties. Thirty-one days ago and one week before that, I still thought you had a good five to ten years of life left in you.

                                      Sometimes I think the world, or god, or karma, or whatever exists must hate us to separate us and make you suffer the way you did. You went through so much and fought so hard just to end up in a hole in the ground. It's not fair. None of it was. It was cruel, and horrible, and just plain unfair.

                                      Watching you gradually die during those past four months was one of the most difficult things I've had to go through and neither of us deserved that. That's why, when you finally passed , I felt a little bit of relief. Because I knew how much this stupid disease made you suffer. But right now I just feel angry. I'm angry at the doctor who misdiagnosed you and wasted a whole month of precious treatment time, and I'm angry at chemo for not being strong enough to kill away your disease but still being strong enough to make your life a living hell. I'm so very, very sorry you had to go through all of it. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling this horrible, gut-wrenching pain over how much you hurt in the end.

                                       I love you so much and I wish you had been able to die old and peacefully in your sleep thirty years from now instead of young, scared, and in pain thirty-one days ago.

                                                Always with you,

                                                                     Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Wednesday - 1/23/13

           Mom,

                                     It was four weeks yesterday since the day you passed away. Date-wise, the one month anniversary of your death is this Friday. Either way, it feels like it's been much longer than that. It seems like it's been forever since I've hugged you and, if that's how it feels after just one month, then I can't imagine what the rest of the year, the decade, or my life will be like. I miss you so very much. It's moments like this that make me glad I would choose random moments to hug you. All those moments I would make you stop what you were doing and get you to hug me. I wish  could do that again but at least I can appreciate the fact that I took advantage of my opportunities while you were still alive.

                                      Not having you around is one of the most difficult things I've had to endure but amongst all this pain I'm able to remember the great moments and feel glad that I had them. I know people have many regrets after a loved one passes but I know I have the privilege to be able to say that there is very little I regret. There is very little I would change were I to do it all again. So many people find themselves wishing they had hugged, kissed, or told their dead how much they loved them before they passed but I did all of that more times than I can count. Even though I wish I could hug you again and hold you tight forever, I know that I was at least able to show you my infinite affection over and over before you left. So, even though you would give me those funny, suspicious looks whenever I would stop everything to wrap my arms around you, I'm glad I did it. I'd like to think you were, too. I'm glad I was there to hold your hand until the very end and that some of the last words you head were "it's OK" and "I love you". I was there for you 'til the very end and I would do it all over again in just the same way. I don't think there could have been a better way to show you my love.

                                 I know the last four months of your life were incredibly difficult and painful for you but I hope in all earnest the my company and my assistance made it all at least a little easier to bear.

                                 Thank you for being such a wonderful mother and raising me as well as you did. Even though we had our rough patches and there were things you regretted, you taught me how to love wholeheartedly and without bounds and for that I am eternally grateful. I want you to know that you were amazing and you have nothing to be sorry for. You were absolutely wonderful and, if there's an afterlife, I need you to know that. You were the best and I love you more than words can tell.

                                       Always with you,

                                                         your "vieja",

                                                                       Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Monday - 1/21/13

            Mom,

                               Aside from lunch, today was quite uneventful. I tried going to Peque's afterwards but got bored after maybe half an hour. So, I came home and did even more nothing. Typical day, I suppose.

                              It's snowing out. If there's one thing I'm sure you're not missing it's the snow. It's supposed to snow through the night and all day tomorrow so we're bound to get a good few inches. I think they said about eight on the news. Honestly it looks quite lovely as it falls and settles, untouched, on every possible surface as far as the eye can see. It's gorgeous from the comfort of a nice warm blanket but I know it's going to be a pain in the butt to shovel it all in the morning. I don't know how you managed to wake up earlier than usual on snowy days to shovel the sidewalk when you were the one who hated cold weather the most.

                             I hope there is a heaven. I hope it's sunny and warm and bright just like you loved it. I hope there are millions of flowers everywhere in every shade of every color known to man. I hope there are birds of many sizes to perch on your shoulder and eat seeds out of your hand. I hope it's all of that and more. Much more than my simple mind can imagine. Wherever you are and whatever it's like, I hope you're at peace. I hope you're happy. After everything you've had to go through I just hope you can finally be happy. I miss you, mamá.

                                           Always with you,

                                                                Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

  Oh and I'm feeling Directionless yes But that's to be expected And I know that best In creeps the morning And another day's lost You've just written wondering And I reply fast

All you need to save me All you need to save me Call And I'll be curled on the floor Hiding out from it all And I won't take any other call

I feel like a fool So I'm going to stop troubling you Buried in my yard A letter to send to you And if I forget Or god forbid die too soon Hope that you'll hear me Know that I wrote to you

All you need to say to me All you need to say to me Is call And I'll be curled on the floor Hiding out from it all And I won't take any other call

[angelswillfollowme]

Sunday - 1/20/13

           Mom,

                                     I went out with some of the cousins yesterday. Something tells me they had this little gathering for me. I don't mind it much , aside from the awkward feeling I always get when I'm doted on. Were it anyone else I would be annoyed with their unecessary "pity" and just wish for them to "leave me alone" but I know that's not the case with them. I know they genuinely care and just want tot make sure I'm alright and cheer me up a bit if I'm not. I'm glad they're here for me. I wish so much that you could be here, too... if only time turners existed so I could make it true.

                                     Tomorrow's a holiday and many people have it off so I'm going out to lunch with Chris, Bryan, Irene, and Alfredo. We're going to that Indian restaurant in Savin Hill so I invited my dad to come with us but (after a little hesitation) he declined saying something about it being a "young crowd". I'll ask Chris to invite Mike so he feels more comfortable coming with us.

                                    I love you so much and of course wish you were still here.

                                                     Always with you,

                                                                         Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Thursday - 1/17/13

             Mom,

                                      I miss you... of course. Today I had a bit of a breakdown, though. I was mostly fine all morning until the parrot broke the chain on my necklace. Were it any other necklace, I wouldn't have cared nearly as much but it was the one my dad bought you for Christmas. I put it on that day in the hospital and hadn't taken it off since. That is, of course, until Sookie found the shiny metal thing around my neck and decided to bite it. So I had myself a little meltdown because it was actually broken and I couldn't fix it. I ended up being able to McGyver up a temporary solution but I'll probably end up having to find a new chain. I would hate for my quick-fix to give out and end up losing that beautiful pendant.

                                       To add to my breakdown, the parrot still doesn't seem to like me. It only likes me enough to perch on my shoulder and eat from my hand but the moment I move my hand to pet it, it chomps down on my finger. I don't understand it. Sun conures are such friendly, lovable birds. I don't know how we ended up getting one that also happened to be demon spawn. Given my emotional instability, it makes me exceptionally sad because I was very much looking forward to bonding with a friendly new bird. I try so hard to be nice to it but it won't stop being mean. Why won't it like me? Most animals love me.

                                      Between the bird and the chain and sorting out your clothes, today has been quite and emotional day. Never realized how much sadness and crying can wear you out. I'm pooped and ready to knock out.

                                      Goodnight. I love you very much and miss you like crazy.

                                                  Always with you,

                                                                  Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Wednesday - 1/16/13

    Mom,

                         I think it may be time for me to look into some counseling. My situation is not by any means serious but I figure I should take advantage of the free services both the hospice care and the hospital provide for grieving family members. I've been more withdrawn and lethargic but not so much that I'm worried for my mental or emotional health. It can't be too bad if I still occasionally head up the street to hang out with my cousins (like I did yesterday), right? My entire weekend is booked as well. Weekdays & mornings are a slightly different story. I sit in my pajamas for most of the day doing very little. I need a good, productive distraction that will stick. I also need help dealing with the emotional stress of not having you around so I can find said distraction and begin to move on.

                      I know it's only been three weeks and it does seem a little soon to move on but it probably isn't. I need to stop dwelling. Not on you, I will never go a day without thinking about you but I do need to stop dwelling on the sadness. Therefore, I may soon seek therapeutic help. I'm well overdue.

                      I bailed on Jenny today. I feel like a horrible friend and what makes it worse is that I have a hard time really caring. She invited me to a family dinner and I never actually said I was going but I never completely denied either. I should have said something but I couldn't think of how to say "no thanks that sounds like it would be incredibly uncomfortable what with all the pity hugs and the I'm praying for yous and the she's with the almighty Lord, our saviour, Hallelujah!s so I'm just gonna stay at home and watch sitcom reruns" without sounding rude.So I've just been avoiding texts for the past few days. Damn... when did I become such a bitch? (Excuse my language, I almost forgot how much that bothers you.)

                   I don't know what to say. I suppose I need an attitude adjustment and stop using your death as an excuse for my new behavioral issues. Soon enough the pity will run out and people will just get sick of me. Then I'll have no mother and no friends. OK I think I should stop now, I'm starting to make myself sad.

                  I love you. And if you're really out there, please keep watch over me. Hug me every once in a while even if I can't feel it.

                                   Always with you,

                                                         Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Monday - 1/14/13

    Mom,

                         I'm sorry. I've been a terrible daughter. I've been so busy trying to distract myself that I've completely neglected my letter journal. In my defense, very little has happened around here lately. I think it's possible I may finally be entering that depressed, lethargic state that many people in mourning go through. Not to the extent that seems to often be portrayed in movies and TV but still, I'm not feeling like myself lately. I've been missing you so much recently that all I want to do is sleep or distract myself with TV or video games. so as to not get that lost, empty feeling that I feel when I start to imagine the rest of my life without you.

                         I know many people say it's supposed to get easier but I guess that, like many things, it will have to get harder before it finally gets easier. I just thought my fried would be instant and last a little while. I never thought it would kick in  after almost 3 weeks of being OK. Then again, I've always been a little backwards.

                        I think I'm well overdue for a new job. What I probably need in my life right now is some structure and a set schedule. Nothing like labor and steady cash flow to keep me distracted. Otherwise, I'll probably just lay about sleeping at odd hours and playing video games the rest of the day.

                       Moments like these make me realize just how much I need you around here. I miss you so much I don't even know what to do with myself at times. My chest aches and the rest of my body feels numb and I can't seem to will it to move. I get so lost and feel so empty I literally can't think of what to do. I just wish you were here to take my hand and lead me to the next part of my life. I just miss you so much.

                      I love you and miss you like you wouldn't believe.

                                      Always with you,

                                                        Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Thursday - 1/10/13

     Mom,

                           We got a bird yesterday! We got the sun conure that my dad's co-worker had been meaning to give us for weeks now. What with everything going on and the weather being as cold as it has been, getting the bird here had to wait. He's a little skittish but I would be too if some large man came and took me away from my nice, safe home and into a whole other place with even more unfamiliar animals. So my goal for this week is to start gaining his trust until he'll allow me to pet him. That's not to say he's vicious but he didn't like when I did pet him. He hissed a bit until he actually bit me lightly.

                          I'm very excited he's finally with us, though. Being of such a friendly species I know he'll warm up to me once he settles in a little better. Wish you were here, you would have loved him. I put his cage next to your parakeets just in case it finds comfort in the company of other birds. Speaking of which, I am taking care of your other birds. I was afraid I would forget but I haven't and they're both still alive. Yay!

                         Now I must go back to cleaning up around here. I decided to write first thing in the morning because I didn't last night but I have some chores to attend to and adventures to have for tonight's (or tomorrow's) writing material.

                         I love you times infinity and miss you like you wouldn't believe.

                                               Always with you,

                                                                  Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Tuesday - 1/8/13

     Mom,

                            My dad and I went out to really nice restaurant in Quincy with Nana. We've been going out to eat a lot lately... he needs to stop buying those Groupons. They're all expiring soon so we have to use them all before it's too late. Or, at least, that's what we've been using.

                            He's going back to work tomorrow and I'll be left home alone. I don't think I've been home alone like that in months. I can only imagine it will feel odd but I'll try to keep myself preoccupied. I have to clean up because we've got someone joining the family tomorrow. I'm really excited about finally getting the parrot I've always wanted but, of course, I'm sad you never got to meet/spend time with it. Hopefully I'll be able to take good care of it, what with the cats always looking for something to hunt and all. No worries, we've trained the cats before, we'll train them again.

                            I haven't found a job yet. Though, to be honest, I haven't really been looking. I've skimmed some websites once or twice but never really did a thorough search. I will, though. I have to. I'm burning through savings from my last job.

                           I must go now. I didn't sleep last night so now I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open.

                                                                                 I love you. I miss you.

                                                                                   Always with you,

                                                              Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Monday - 1/7/13

    Mom,

                         My dad and I went out again today to use a groupon he had for a coffee/sandwich shop in Forrest Hills and I ended up twisting my ankle. It's not too bad but it definitely hurt like crazy when it happened. The stupid step outside of the shop tricked me and I landed right on my ankle. Seriously, my foot practically met the rest of my leg at a 90º angle. I heard a crunch. Luckily I didn't break anything or even sprain it, I don't think. It hasn't swollen up and I can still walk on it ok (albeit with a limp) so my assumption is that it's fine. Obviously if it gets worse I'll probably have to go see a doctor.

                         After all that, I went to Peque's. I guess I haven't really spoken to many people in the outside world so she got worried and started calling to check on us. People seem to pretend to care about me more now. Not Peque of course, she always acted like that whenever I became reclusive. But I feel like your siblings act like they care if I'm around. Just today Chaty went to Peque's to pick up Dario and Alfre was all "Look who's here! Erika's here!"OMG Erika's here! It's so exciting!And I know if I ever went to one of your family's gatherings now everyone else would act the same way. Like I'm the life of the party and they were all just waiting for me to show up. Feels weird. I don't like it.

                         It's fine when people who were always nice and caring (like my cousins) are a little nicer than usual but when people go from talking behind your back about how rude and insensitive YOU are to suddenly showering you with hugs and kisses whilst holding back tears, it just feels wrong. I don't need their pity. I have some comfort in the sympathy and (even more so) empathy of those who are genuine but I very much dislike the pity from those who feel obligated to pretend they care about me just for fear of upsetting you in the netherworld. I will be no one's job or burden or charity case. I took good care of you in the past four months, I think I can learn to take care of myself.

                        I'm sorry. It just rubs me the wrong way.

                        Also, Claudia thinks you visited her in a dream. She posted it on Facebook. I think it's a little ridiculous. Not so much that she posted it on Facebook or that there is an afterlife from which you can visit the living through their dreams but the fact that she thinks you would visit her first. This is not to say that she was a nobody in your life but I know you like the back of my hand and your priorities do not go 1.Claudia, 2.Everyone else. No, I think if it were possible for you to make visits, you would go see my dad or me. Actually, I can think of a few people you would visit before Claudia, including Andy, Bruno, Chaty, and a some others. Therefore, what Claudia had was definitely a dream conjured up by her subconcious and not a visit. That's not to say I'm not jealous and maybe a little bitter that she got to spend some time with you and wake up with the sound of your voice in her ears... even if it wasn't real. It's been two weeks and I haven't dreamt of you and, if I have, I haven't had the pleasure of remembering.

                        I wish you would visit me. See? I miss you so much I'm hoping for my mind to conjure up fictional visits with you in my sleep. I'll take anything.

                       I love you.

                                         Always with you,

                                                   Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Sunday - 1/6/13

     Mom,

                           Sorry I skipped a day, again. I've just been up to so little that I don't even know what to write at the end of the day. I literally layed about watching Netflix and playing computer games all of yesterday. Today was only slightly more productive.

                           We went to Nana's. I'd never been to her new apartment before but it's nice. I also got her dog to get along with me even thought she has a bad reputation. By the end of our stay there, I was ready to take her home with me. She really is a good puppy when she's not barking or growling at you.

                          I was thinking of going to Peque's house after we got home but I got sucked back into my computer games. It's not good, I know. I really should be more productive and I will be... starting Wednesday. My dad's going back to work on Wednesday and you know I'm always more productive when I'm home alone.

                         This house is a horrid mess so I've got lots of work ahead of me. The hardest part will be cleaning out your stuff. We're planning on donating your clothes but I want to sort through it just in case there's something your sisters or Peque might like. Same goes for your shoes. It's a scary thought, just tossing so much of your stuff but I know it had to be done. I know I say this ALL the time but I still can't believe you're really gone.

                        I miss you like crazy.

                                                             Always with you,

                                                                Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Friday - 1/4/13

    Mom,

                           Wish you were here with me. I miss you like crazy. What I wouldn't give just to hug you again.

                                      Always with you,

                                                         Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Thursday - 1/3/13

      Mom,

                            I did close to nothing today. Woke up late, stayed in my pajamas, ate, watched some shows, browsed the internet, and did a few chores. During the span of an entire day, all of that feels like much less than it sounds. I think it's actually the first day since I left the hospital that I've stayed in all day. I also think it probably wasn't a great idea. Being home all day somehow made me miss you even more. I got to spend a lot of time thinking about you and realizing you're not (and never will be) here anymore. I feel like I mention this "realizing" a lot and maybe I should explain. Of course I know and understand that you're dead but when I say I "realize" it, it's not just a thought. It isn't happening in my brain. When I "realize" you're gone it's a feeling. It's an unbearable feeling of loss, like a tight emptiness in my chest. It's like I understand when people say "you took a part of my heart" (or something like that) because that's exactly how it feels. It feels like there's a chunk of me missing that you took with you when you left. I want it back. I want you back.

                          Because of all that, today was a bit rough. Just now I had to take a few minutes to stop writing because I couldn't stop sobbing. It was the hardest I've sobbed since the moment you passed away in front of me. Being home is making me realize you're gone and I don't know how I'm going to handle all of it when my dad goes back to work. I'll need to find myself a job as soon as possible. But those things take time, right? ...well, good luck to me, I guess.

                         All of that aside, (because I avoid thinking of things that make me sad), I have to wake up early because Logan has an appointment with the vet in the morning. He's doing very well. The infection's gone and his fur is even starting to grow back. I'm sure he misses you even if he can't show/tell me.

                        Goodnight, mom. I love you so, so, so, so much. I'll miss you always.

                                       Always with you,

                                                            Erika

[angelswillfollowme]

Wednesday - 1/2/13

    Mom,

                            I went out with Helen, Mike, and Andy for breakfast this morning. We went to the place that you and my dad liked and we were all pleasantly surprised. It's a good thing I mentioned it because Helen was going to take us to IHOP. Yuck.

                           Andy gave me a big hug when they dropped me off after breakfast. He left for California today. It feels like he only just got here and now he's leaving us again. I'm going to miss him... but at least I'll probably be able to see him again. Wish I could say the same for you.

                           After I got home, my dad and I went shopping. I know it sounds incredibly uneventful but it actually made me think of you a lot. I shopped the way you used to: looking for sales and taking my sweet time. My dad thought something must have happened to me in the store because I never take that long. I spent 1.5 hours in the one store (at least). Crazy, I know. But I kept thinking about how there's no one to look for sales or buy me random things cheap. So I did that for you. Bought myself a makeup kit on a post-Christmas sale... I figured it was along the lines of something you would get me. My dad said your spirit was in me today in the store. That's funny coming from an atheist. Maybe we're turning him, you and I. Haha!

                           I also bought Logan and Daisy some Christmas themed kitty toys. Well, the only thing Christmas themed was the plastic stocking they came in. Either way, buying it seemed like something you would have done were you still alive.

                           Sometimes it seems so surreal. I think about you ALL the time and yet it doesn't usually sink in that you're actually dead. It's too much for my simple mind to fathom. Thank god for simple minds...

                                                     Oh! I almost forgot! I've started writing these letter to you in a blog. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing it but I do know it feels right. Partly, I'm hoping people out there who are in a similar situation can read my letters and maybe get something out of it. Or maybe some of them will know the perfect thing to say to make me feel better. For now, I just write to write. I'll try not to bother with reasoning.

                                       ♥ Always with you,

                                                                Erika