Words I Cannot Say

To Jun Oppa

[lettersforjo]

I miss you

[lettersforjo]

I'm letting you go. As you have chosen to leave me.

[lettersforjo]

It has been a week since you left my side. I asked you once more the night before, if you really wanted to leave. You said no, and that you wanted to stay, but you are not sure if you will come back. I appreciate the uncertainty, because that is the very definition of life. You didn't give me a promise, and yet you did not tell me to move on either. I told you that you can choose, and I felt a lot better after telling you how I feel about you.

As we go on with our lives day by day I do not know if I will see you again, and we stopped communication which I understand it is better this way for now. I think we both just need more time to re-evaluate our own lives before going on to the next step. I don't know if I will ever see you again, and I'm just going to let that hang in with the rest of the uncertain things in life. I really love you, and I care a lot for you. But I also know life is just unpredictable, no one can plan for everything. I certainly did not plan to meet you and fall in love in the past three years. So I will just go on with my life, do what I can for now. I love you, and I hope to see you again someday.

[lettersforjo]

The countdown has come and passed. You are leaving back to Korea. But I would have never thought I could talk to you again, and laugh with you and spend time with you. I have missed you so much. I have less than a day with you now... it hurts to know I have to say goodbye to you. I really love you and I want to share my future with you. But you don't...

I hope you will change your mind... I hope to see you again some time in the future... and I hope, if possible, to share a life with you.

We are both entering new chapters of our life after graduation. I don't know what will happen after, I just hope for the best. I love you and I'll see you tomorrow.

[lettersforjo]

I haven’t written in here for a while. I have been trying to adapt and imagine a life without you. Same thing I have done during the summer. But you came back after the summer, even when you said you wouldn’t, even when no one thought you would come back. You came back. But the question is, are you going to do the same this time?

I have not spoken to you this year, at all. I don’t know what your plans are, or if you even have plans. This countdown in my head has begun since last year, and now it continues, the question remains the same. Will you change your mind? Will you do something unexpected again? 

I don’t know what will happen after the count down, I cannot say anything about the future. And I expect the worse outcome: I will not see you again after graduation. This thought of never seeing you again still hurts. 

[lettersforjo]

I am contemplating, again and again with no conclusion. I can't seem to figure out you, what I think of you, what you mean to me and if I should do all that at all. You should mean nothing to me, yet I cannot say that and mean it. I should not think of you anymore, yet I cannot stop my mind circling back to you. There seems to be something about you, something I can't pinpoint exactly, but it draws me to you, still. The pathetic part is that you don't seem to be having this struggle. It hurts. It still hurts. Please. Put me out of my misery. Give me a sign. Talk to me. Anything. Anything at all.

[lettersforjo]

I miss you so much today... I don't know why, it's just one of those days I suppose. I really wish I can tell you that, or even just have some sort of interaction with you. You didn't even come to class today... maybe you pulled another all night again... you have been working so hard these few months. I hope I can talk to you soon. Just that... i wish I can be close to you again..

[lettersforjo]

I really needed a hug from you today...

[lettersforjo]

I am thinking of giving you up. The trip out of town gave me some perspective, along with other things that happened these couple of days. Maybe you never liked me that much. Maybe my feelings are gradually fading away as well. But through considering about every aspect of this whole thing, I think it’s better that I give up on you. You have hurt me so much. Even by just hearing your voice reminds me of the words you said to me in that phone call. You absolutely broke my heart. I don’t know how could we ever reconcile this even if we have the chance. So yes, I am on the verge of giving up on you. You broke my heart and it was not ok. I don’t think I will be ok in the near future either.

[lettersforjo]

This is the first time I stay overnight at another town since it all happened. I thought it would be a good change for once. But I keep seeing shadows of you here. I miss you. I wish you were here. I wish things were different so we could be together again. My feelings have not changed.

[lettersforjo]

I miss you

[lettersforjo]

We don't talk like we used to, even though you are back. Every move you make is contradicting. But I still love you. I watch you from afar just to make sure you are doing well. How I wish I can hold you again, or make you dinner, or just to spend time with you.

[lettersforjo]

You can't even tell me if you love her or not, yet you want to win her back. And you are here instead of being with her. I don't understand. I just don't understand. I'm glad you are back but at the same time your reason has holes in it. I just don't know anything anymore.

[lettersforjo]

You came back today. And you asked me for the keys. I still can't believe you are back. I thought I would not see you again... I have so many questions to ask you, but the second I saw you I couldn't speak. So I only asked you the one question that mattered the most: are you staying for school.

[lettersforjo]

I went to trader joes today for stocking up. They have this honey butter chips, I remember you said you liked that flavour back in New York. I wish I could go back in time, I wish you were by my side again, I wish I could change the past so you could come back. I just... I guess I really miss you today, I don't know why. I thought I didn't have more to say to you, but I thought wrong. I miss you so much...

[lettersforjo]

I miss you more than usual today… I don’t know why. I miss you everyday, but today the feeling is more intense. I practiced driving on the highway this afternoon, the first time in a long time. It was liberating, and now I understand why you liked it more than city roads. I wish there was some way to talk to you, or to have any news from you. But it’s been radio silence since everything ended abruptly, and my hands are tied. The last time we texted before the end, you wrote that you would text me later, as you always had before. I can’t help but feel sad about it now. You never once tried to reach out to me. The closure I had was from my own thoughts. I really miss you, despite everything.

[lettersforjo]

I pretend you are by my side sometimes just so I can tell you about my day or show you things I see on the internet. I miss you…