#letterneversent

[fabflootist]

💋Every other member I used as zayn cuz I couldn't find just one awesome gif of him💁 #onedirection #harrystyles #liampayne #louistomlinson #niallhoran #zaynmalik #videoedit #youngsummer #letterneversent #flawless

[coffee-crumpled-papers]

06/05/2014

hello my love. how have you been? ive gone long missing you. i don’t really talk about you as often but not a single day when you don’t cross my mind. i love you so much and you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. it was truly a privilege to have my heart broken by you. i broke up with my boyfriend last night; i hope you and your girl are just fine. i love seeing your cheesy ass smile so if she makes you happy, i love her for that. i know she hates me and i still dont get why. i’d be lying if i said my heart no longer belongs to you and lips no longer have your name because they do. You forever hold my heart and I don’t know if one day I strangle you to swallow the key but nobody has ever took it. I think a part of me will always be waiting for you to come home and in my words, that’s love. love is setting up the table for somebody who is never coming home. its like you set up a table, (you give your all to this person and go long missing them) and then there’s always that one empty chair. i hope one day we can meet again and both get that feeling where we both noticed each other for the first time at the citrus fair on such a lovely beautiful night. the 22nd of April.

[a-open-heart]

A letter that doesn't belong.

Dear Kenny thank you for allowing me a little into your world,

It saddens me that I did not get to know you better as a person as I feel there is so much more to say and how I could have learnt so much more about you, life and myself just from our conversations together.

Any girl is going to be lucky to have you as a boyfriend and I know that any girl you have you will treat her like the princess that she is. I know you will, but be careful with your amazing heart, just know that it really deserves nothing more than the very best, and I really believe that you are going to be with someone that every other guy you walk past will be jealous of because of how in love she will be with you, how in love you will be with her and how beautiful she is inside and outside.

Always know that you do deserve the very best in life and that all though our friendship has never made much sense to me, you have, I will miss you, the way your face would light up when something made you laugh, the occasional smile and the endless love and passion you give to all. God is with you, I know that much. You are an inspiration to me Kenny, you make me want to be a better person, and I feel so fortunate to have met you in such a big scary, hurtful and unforgiving world.

I truly hope that one day our paths will cross again and we will be able to share what we shared together once again.

[remain-unread-blog]

Dear Bear: Bye Bye Blues

We became something that angered me. I was drunken secret and I wanted out of the shadow and away from the permanent bottle of vodka that kept us close. I loved you sober, you liked me drunk. We kept inching so close to what we should have been. What I should have made it but we both admitted to each other that neither of us was a step taker. I should have taken the hint I was dropping you, since I see now you were throwing it back at me almost desperately. Color me old fashion, but it’s not the woman’s job to ask the man, and I was willing to wait. Apparently you weren’t. I wasn’t the bold one, the one who could just walk up and kiss you broad daylight like I wanted to every single time I saw you. And God knows I wanted to. Then came your cross country trip. We would text every single day. I had become so used to telling you good night and waking up to your good mornings that it was second nature. We were natural. I couldn’t wait for you to get back home. This was because I feared the change. Our drinking friends were gone, our mutual excuse to socialize without drawing attention to one another. Your mom and I talked while you were gone. She’d always told me I was always welcome at the house, told me it was as much my home. Your sister too, she asked why we weren’t dating yet. You talked to her about me and the way her face lit up so excitedly (and unexpectedly) when I told her how badly I wanted to be with her brother was something I’ll never forget. And it isn’t like Baby Bear is that much younger. This was a late teened girl who I just tried confessed the want to sink my teeth into her big brother. I expected resistance, not the adoration I got. So when you came back, and we started texting less and less, it became apparent that things had changed. I knew they would though. I cried when our friends left, but cried harder because part of me knew they would come back to me before you did. You were in the same city as me again but it was like you struggled to remember my number, it was fading away one digit at a time. My birthday was especially hard. You forgot me. It was supposed to be you, my sister, Roo and me. That was my birthday. That was the plan until you and Roo decided not to acknowledge me. I cried again and just like every good love story, there was another hero ready to pick me up.             Me

[remain-unread-blog]

Dear Bear: Catching Up (p III)

We kissed, a lot. Never sober though, we were that drunken comfort and poorly kept secret who acted like nothing happened the next day. People told me to be careful, that you were a rebound, but it was almost 2 year after Little Bird and I broke up. Granted it was a long break up, strung apart and drug out good over a year. There were ones between us. Nessy, for example. I met Nessy and he was the first person I got close to since Little Bird, that I liked and that was a while later. Those years all jumbled up in my brain. But at least I can say there was never an overlap. Never. I don’t allow for them, I’ll only like one person at a time, and usually ever only once. You jumped lists, one of the only 2 to ever succeed in doing so. You went from Never to Yes to Never to Yes again. You still jump. It started to wear on me though. All the private make out sessions and why they did is because we also spoke. We would sit for hours, just holding hands, running fingers together, talking about our wants for life. We spoke of goals and past memories. We discussed our troubles, the future we each saw. We expressed our views on everything, relationships, religion, weather, the world. We were so much closer when we spoke than when we kissed, but that just made every single one better than the last. You snuck your way into my head and what started as a quick encounter developed into more than I could have ever expected. I fell in love with you. It sucked because I knew so much of you. You didn’t want to be in a relationship, Red had screwed you over emotionally so badly that you didn’t want to go there again. You are such a brilliant person and even though you said you didn’t want children ever or a wife, that you just wanted to be alone, always, I saw you stare at my niece. I saw the change in you when you held her. I saw how brilliantly you would shine and love as a father, as you did as a person. We kept getting closer and closer to it. We would sit on your couch and cuddle, watching movies but for some reason, whenever we heard someone in the house move, we both shuffled away. I think it was because we weren’t sure what people would think. What they would say about Little Birds ex and Little Birds best friend cozied up to one another. They would all think these feeling existed all along. They would validate Little Birds paranoia and even if I had no reasons left to spare his feelings, I had to. I never wanted to see him hurt. Niether did you.                Me

[remain-unread-blog]

Dear Bear: Catching Up (p II)

Even when we officially went our separate ways and I told him that I was fine with everything, I just wanted him to be happy and that I would always be there for him if he needed me, he was still jealous of only you. For heaven’s sake, we were standing there getting our phones separated you came up. It was the same aggression. Straight up, “So I heard you fucked Bear.” First off, we have never had sex, but apparently that is what he thought or let it build up to in his head. I promptly told him that although it was none of his concern really, we had not ‘fucked’. He kept his red face and stared me down but let’s be honest, I’ve never lied to him. We didn’t and after a minute he just shook his head and added that he would still beat your ass. I told him that wasn’t fair, and while you weren’t the next person on my list to have sex with, it wasn’t his concern. Little Bird just tried to throw his ‘fuck it, I don’t care’ face on but it touched me that he still cared. Or at the very least was still concerned enough and insecure about our friendship. He sat there and tried filling my head with lies about you for a while after that. Talking about you and my best friend, who you had kissed at another party already. He just sat there feeding me things I knew weren’t true, but I nodded and listened to everything he said as he pathetically tried pulling me down. I was so high on the fact he couldn’t admit my importance that he couldn’t even reach me. I didn’t tell him we had kissed. He didn’t ask, about that anyway, therefore I didn’t lie. I wouldn’t have if he’d answered. Did you know in the driver seat of the Grand AM there is a dent in the ceiling of it? It’s from you, and only you. When we were together and he yelled at me drunk sitting in his car about you, for no good reason, he punched it. Not as hard as I’ve seen him go before, but there was a mark left on the upholstery. And then, when we were separated, after he confronted me about you and stormed back to his car, I saw him do it again. I heard it. It was the same spot, the same reason and so much harder and when I came up to see if he was alright, he was on the verge of saying something else. He just stared at me with that face I almost forgave again as I had a million times before and his busted-red knuckles before telling me goodbye. I cried for him again. Briefly, I had to and it was half relief, half fear. What if I had let the only person to ever get near me, to ever love me, go? I walked the city block and as I began counting my steps to control my breath, you sent me a text. You always had such perfect timing.                   Me

[remain-unread-blog]

Dear Little Bird: Song

You were the first person to ever dedicate a song to me. I remember when you first showed me it, I curled up with my pillow (the one you gave me, or rather we stole from your work) and listened to it for hours and days on end. It felt so special. It meant something. It took me two listens and I knew every word, it branded to my soul and sang through me whenever I would roll over to look at you. When everything happened, I swore it off. I couldn’t so much as here the intro without panicking at the tears that I knew were coming. I don’t think it was because I missed you, Little Bird, but because I missed meaning something and I loathed everything that song used to stand for. Sometimes I would turn it on, just so I could cry because as cliché as it sounds, I needed to feel something. That sorrow overwhelmed me whenever that stupid wonderful song turned on burned but I needed it. It’s over now though. The other day it started to play (because I could never bring myself to delete it from my phone) and I rushed to change it but stopped. I turned it on as loud as it would go and I sang every word and didn’t shed a single tear. How’s that for your heartbroken memory, Little Bird? I’m over it.            Me

[remain-unread-blog]

Dear Bear: Catching Up (p I)

It’s sort of funny how everything started. You were Little Bird’s best friend, virtually untouchable. I didn’t think you could stand me.. Mostly because at the beginning, I don’t think you could. It’s alright. You were that friend I wanted to be friends with, the one who was witty and clean. No drugs, barely drank, honest- amazing. I wanted Little Bird to hang out with you so that your tendencies would rub off on him. You were the friend who I felt I needed to get approval from because you were really such a great person and it was never something of attraction. It wasn’t physical, it was innocent and pure want for a friend that I got along with on an intellectual level. I wouldn’t do that to Little Bird, neither would you. You were always just that good. You’d changed though, gradually and next thing I knew, between Little Bird and your other friends, you were sliding face first into the bottom of every bottle of hard alcohol there was. This wasn’t a problem, not really, because I was too. Everyone would get weekly smashed and if I were being honest, which I am now, you were literally the only person Little Bird ever got jealous of. He didn’t need to, I was always so honest with him and nothing but unendingly loyal and you would never do that to him either. In retrospect he was probably projecting his mistakes onto us because we had begun to get along so well and he was a cheating whore. J Well, as the saying goes, those who cannot accept their demons lay their terrors on those they are closest with.  (Alright, so I sorta made that up, but we all know it to be true of EVERYONE.) And by jealous, I don’t mean ‘hey babe, don’t flirt with Bear’ I mean ‘if I ever find him flirting with you I’ll fucking kill him’. He was AGGRESSIVELY against it. And then when everything collapsed between us, when it all went so disastrously south, you were the friend to me I never expected. That wasn’t (at the time) a good thing I thought. You weren’t the shoulder to cry on, or the one who encouraged me. There wasn’t some immediate attraction and random butterflies that were borderline forbidden. You were the one that night when I was broken on the bathroom floor, shaking and shattered who yelled at me. Who told me I was being stupid and I saw everything; that I let him do this to me and that I refused to believe what was right in front of me. You were the only person who told me I needed to let go when I all I heard from everyone else was hold on, it’ll get better. You weren’t telling me to end it, you couldn’t have known how close I was to that. You simply told me it was over, something not even he would me the courtesy of saying. You didn’t tell me he would come around, or that I just needed to be patient. You were the one that redirected my attention. I went from wallowing to furious, self-pitying to loathing- the audacity you had to tell me I was being stupid, to tell me to throw away an engagement and years of dedication. It was exactly what I needed, to realize you were right. I wiped my face and cleaned the bathroom,  walked into the our room and stared at it for a long time. I slept on the couch that night, and the next day I left the house and refused to come back. I tried to leave with what of my dignity I had left. We both know that it wasn’t totally over between Little Bird and myself. He still needed parts of me, the honest parts. I think he did love me still, but you were right. I remember I didn’t talk to you for months. I hated you for a long time and it was mainly because you told me what I should have been telling myself- and for that I felt stupid. My pride was bent in all directions but the right one. I think I apologized.. or wished you a happy birthday and we just pretended we never had that argument. I was so surprised once I was able to walk away from him that you were still there. A lot of his friends were, but I guess over the course of 4 years, only hanging out with his friends made you guys mine as well. And the fact I didn’t lose you, of all of them, shocked me. I owed you a lot. I literally owed you my life.                     Me