A open heart

Emily 18 Australia

[a-open-heart]

4 April 2014

What do I need to do? I need to start relishing the moments that count. Those moments are the moments I miss. The magnificent buildings that surround me along with the sparkling blue sky as I stand in the centre of the city, a mother who smiles at her world and is bursting with love.

We are all strangers, we are in fact all human, all going through similar worries, insecurities, life experiences. Why do we hide behind the wrong we’ve done and the wrong we think, it’s what makes us human, vulnerability, honesty, hurt, and destruction is what we can all relate to.

No one wants to lose anything, their country, their loved one, their confidence, their self. I question myself instead of just enjoying moments, I question the way my hair falls, if my makeup looks okay, am I talking to much, do they like my dress? And this needs to stop, here, now, forever.

[scvlptures-deactivated20200425]

My life story.

depression is when you don’t really care about anything

anxiety is when you care too much about everything

and having both is just like what

[cantstop-love]

Having both is staying in bed because you don’t want to go to school and then panicking because you don’t want to fail. Having both is wanting to go see your friends so you don’t lose them all, then staying home in bed because you don’t want to make the effort. Having both is insanely hard and sucks to deal with.

[a-open-heart]

Age 16.

I want my self worth back.

I really miss the old me, the one who loved me who only saw the good in people. I feel like I knew who I was, I knew what life was about, nothing could bring be down. I made a few mistakes and somehow lost who I was, my pride and in the end myself worth. I have now lost the one who loved me who could only see the good in people who knew what life was about. 

07-06-12

[a-open-heart]

Stuck between - marriage and sex. vegetarianism and meat. the fast life or the slow life.

Are my morals just being tested? Or is it okay to break the rules?

[a-open-heart]

I know that I’m one single girl, ordinary girl living life the best way I know I can, reaching out and helping where I can doing little things now and then and giving as much love as I can. But something is missing. I feel like everything is pretty close to perfect but I wanna do something right now, not in 2, 5 or ten years. I want to make a REAL difference now. My heart is yearning to do something. I feel so inspired everyday. And I so badly want to change the world. They say one person can make a difference, then they say ‘no’ its impossible… If you believe you can you will NOTHING is impossible! I’ve never been more sure, so strong. I feel like everyday I take a step into a while new world its crazy. Its like unreal. Every single day, kinda like baby steps, everyday! Something looks straight at me from inside from the outside world and says “yes, yes you there, its your time now to do something, anything!” And I’m stuck I haven’t found it yet. I just know its right, right there in front of me, I just have to open some ‘doors’ and find it. I don’t want people to tell me I do ‘good enough’ that’s not enough! I have this amazing urge make a difference, its making me cry right now hahaa Ah! I’m just a girl in gr 9 who is 15 who has everything who gets good grades, loves he family friends etc.. all that stuff. That’s not what I want, I want it all of course, and I am soo grateful I just am trying to reach out to something in me and its hiding from me… I’m sick of doing nothing. 

Note: sorry for the horrible grammar and spelling, this was hand written originally and I want to keep it the way it was. 

[a-open-heart]

A bus trip.

Lately since I’ve had to incorporate bus catching for the first time in my life for a lot of my travelling, it’s a part of my day I strongly look forward to.You’re probably wondering but why, with the crying babies, the sometimes smelly buses, being cramped in small spaces and the time it takes to get where you need to go.Well it has introduced me to a world I did not know existed... A world that shows you a different side to humans.

Adults are intriguing but what always gets me, especially on my worst days are children, a child’s unconditional love for their mother, their laughter, their crying and their want and need for that love in return, what often troubles me is the child’s mother’s tired eyes that look to her child with a look that says “if you don’t shut up I’ll smack you” 

The homeless, the crazy, the not so sober, and the distraught all get on to, and are welcomed by glares from the young and the old, empty seats appear for them, as people try to remove themselves as much as possible from the glimpse into their struggling lives we’d all rather just ignore.

A Tuesday afternoon, the bus goes down the normal route past a primary school, 10 children outside my window punch in a child’s face, I try desperately as the bus moves quickly to look outside my window, looking around all I can see is everyone looking down at their phones, I want to scream down through the bus “children and their rights are everyone’s business”.

I am covered in bags from my shopping adventures, a teenage boy sits across from me his school bad in his lap, a elder, a fire-fighter in her fifties enters onto the bus, I get out of my seat to offer her my place, she refuses and says she will shortly be getting off, unexpectedly as she leaves the bus she thanks me again, says goodbye and wishes me a good day. 

[a-open-heart]

One day

One day I am going to have a child.

Every day we are going to learn from each other, we will learn what works best for them and what works best for me. We will learn together.

I will teach them how to brush their teeth and count to ten, but they will teach me far more important lessons, lessons I can’t be sure of yet.

Maybe I’ll see myself everyday in my child, as much as they will be their individual self, maybe in new ways we can share memories that will be long behind me.

Maybe my child will love blowing buddles made from a simple recipe of detergent and water from the back yard. Out on the balcony, watching them float up above the roof, seeing if they’ll float up into the sky or if they’ll pop instantly and in the bush standing there on the hill they’ll watch the buddles float through the trees wondering if maybe they’ll be awakening sleeping fairies, and seeing the excitement, the imagination and laughter come from my child maybe I’ll fall completely in love with bubbles again, even more so than when I was seeing the world through those innocent eyes.

[d-epr-e-s-s-e-d]

-

[a-open-heart]

As many good days there are it seems there are endless bad days, and the more I try to fight for the good days the deeper I find myself in those bad days. The good days that lasted months and weeks now for the most feel as if they are getting fewer. All I want is my normal thinking, strength and ability to excel at life back, for every bad day that the black cloud hangs around inside my head I will look to the uplifting music on my iPod to get out of bed, the sun shining down on the happy green grass kissing my skin, the outfits that make me feel like I could score any hot guy when I feel that I am worthless to anyone, my camera that allows for creativity when I can’t even create something substantial for breakfast and to my friends and loved ones who show me their strength. I will fight everyday as long as this small part of strength lingers inside of me, the anxiety the depression whatever is inside of me – it will not over take me.  

[a-open-heart]

A letter that doesn't belong.

Dear Kenny thank you for allowing me a little into your world,

It saddens me that I did not get to know you better as a person as I feel there is so much more to say and how I could have learnt so much more about you, life and myself just from our conversations together.

Any girl is going to be lucky to have you as a boyfriend and I know that any girl you have you will treat her like the princess that she is. I know you will, but be careful with your amazing heart, just know that it really deserves nothing more than the very best, and I really believe that you are going to be with someone that every other guy you walk past will be jealous of because of how in love she will be with you, how in love you will be with her and how beautiful she is inside and outside.

Always know that you do deserve the very best in life and that all though our friendship has never made much sense to me, you have, I will miss you, the way your face would light up when something made you laugh, the occasional smile and the endless love and passion you give to all. God is with you, I know that much. You are an inspiration to me Kenny, you make me want to be a better person, and I feel so fortunate to have met you in such a big scary, hurtful and unforgiving world.

I truly hope that one day our paths will cross again and we will be able to share what we shared together once again.

[a-open-heart]

As I put my head down and close my eyes I feel numb. I try not to think about how I am going to get through the week; I try to ignore everything running loops inside my head. I try to keep my eyes fixed shut and say in my head “go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep now”. I lay there and try not to think. Time passes and it’s close to midnight, I begin to let myself think, tears uncontrollably run down my cheeks and my body curls up as I let myself think. I think about how much i my miss my mothers and fathers good mornings, their laughter, their unconditional love, their hugs at the end of each day when all I wanted to do was shut them out. I think about how I want to let others in, but I hate and feel so angry towards everything right now it feels very impossible. I think about how a friend noticed today I was feeling sad, in the corner of my eye I could see her staring at me as my eyes watered and I tried so hard to not let my tears ruin my day, she asked me if I was okay, because I seemed upset. I looked down at the ground as I quickly told myself to pull myself together, and looked back at her with a faint smile and said no no I’m fine just not feeling well today. I told them I had to go and walked away with tears streaming down my face.  I realized then, laying in bed that I feel incredibly lonely, and I think that is the one thing that I want to escape but I’m finding increasingly hard right now. My thoughts then lead to me thinking about my dearest friend, and how she is the only thing holding me together right now, the one thing that when I don’t feel like getting out of bed, I say something to myself in my head that she has said to me, and that gets me where I need to go. I realize though that there is a good chance her head is just above water, that she too is fighting her own battles everyday and with that I realized I cannot keep going to her for help, I cannot rely souly on her strength she gives me.  The tears keep going... And I feel completely exhausted, I feel guilty for not being a better friend to her and for asking far too much of her, constantly. I think to myself, sleep is what you need Emily, sleep is what you need and I close my eyes again and someone the tears stop and the dreams come.