from lorenzo // 042619
Apologies for the rather late reply. I don’t want to use tight schedules, tiring commutes, late-night meetings as alibis because for a correspondence like this, one has to make time when there is always no time to be found. I will also admit that I am so eager to hear from you as well and this is one of the good things amidst the bleakness of it all. And while, all the more I can’t do real-time responses, I hope you find in me a better listener and talker than the void :))
To be completely honest, I haven’t also been able to respond because the work here has soured my thoughts and I felt as though I would end up ranting here on messenger. I have been resorting to something I do when I’m sad, that is, humoring myself with irony and dark comedy. What I mean to say, is that if I wrote earlier, it would have been from abandon rather than necessity (this being the only reason why one should write, I believe) which wouldn’t reciprocate the justice you gave to my questions. Glad to hear about your stay in Isla Gigantes! Hearing how great the place and people were, I do hope that that will be the first of many trips for you to that island (I’m sure that with your talk, the locals won’t hesitate to drive you around to see the sunrises and sunsets again!). Thank you for believing in me and please know that it means a lot :’) I guess it takes one to know one, so allow me to also say that I believe that you are a catalyst of change as well —and that is at a 110% certainty :)) However, I have to ask (and this is the real cliché), what keeps you going? True, we don’t have to accommodate all the bad news, but sometimes, that which we do accommodate is heavy enough, where do take the heart to bear it? And when the breather is taken, where do you get the will to let it go and dive into the thick of things again? what does one do when advocacy and organizing has become a daily grind— so much so that even life-or-death decisions are sterilized with repetition? As to your questions, I won’t evade any! (unlike some people I know hehe) I get by the unstable internet by doing as much as I can offline then use the 5 mins of stable connection to send emails, messages, etc. Yes, I do need it for the work but my boss seems to think that I can get by just fine. I have no clue as to why I was suddenly placed here in Iligan and all the more stupefied as to why I agreed. I have yet to angrily confront my boss on this—what my colleagues used to call as—“mushroom management”. It’s part of my day job--- with all that political shit on the side. Very little, as I don’t know anyone here. To find possible peers, I need to first find out where is the inuman place where young minds plot revolutions and contemplate if they should call their exes di ko pa ito nahahanap though. The office has good enough cellphone signal but it’s the long commutes really that cut me off. When I’m sad (as in really sad, not ironically happy) Mostly, I drink and scroll through Facebook or I might listen to a piece classical music packed with feels. Sometimes I read and reread poems that are also full of feels. That or drink with/talk to a friend. How about you, what do you do when you’re sad? Yes, I will be able to fly out or ride out but only when the need arises or merong conferences, meetings, etc. outside Iligan. Haha actually, last time I checked with my boss it wasn’t six months-1 year; it was “indefinitely,” which means that it depends on outcomes and external developments--- where and whenever shit needs to get done. The books I brought? I have a ton of e-books but those aren’t real books because they don’t have that smell when you flip the pages :)) The real ones I brought are two by Bienvenido N. Santos--- “Brother, My Brother” and “You Lovely People” (collections of short stories, all of them sad haha) and “The Eternal Lightness of Being” by Kundera (for a lighter, self-indulgent read). The recent events have somewhat compelled me to bring a Bible, “Biblia ng Sambayanang Pilipino” version— the choice version of every leftist who still believes in God (idk if I’m religious or what, that is a topic for a loooooong discussion) How are the days looking so far? Long and exhausting. Few hours of sleep, only a few bites of food, meetings meetings meetings papers papers papers— it’s like college all over again! So I guess I’ll be fine. The stakes are so much higher though, so mind-bogglingly high that I don’t really think about it much (if only to keep what’s left of my sanity intact) Aside from our exchange, there are a few other good things here. One in particular that I want to share with you, is about my only partner-in-crime here. He is a simple man, a good man but I just can’t describe him curtly here, it wouldn’t do justice—both to you and to this 67-year old veteran of at least two wars and a million other endeavors and episodes! I tell you, it’s a miracle this guy is still alive and still so jolly. I want to give you a portrait or a sketch of him, I just need a week or two please! (And as you might have guessed, I paint with words not brushstrokes, although how I wish!) Lastly, I wanted to ask about you, how you haven’t felt like yourself in a long while and how you haven’t felt so peaceful in such a long while. How do these two fit together? And why do you actively not think about things somewhat left behind after the deluge of advocacy work? And what about the jumble of things set aside? Although I must say, I can relate but I must also ask, just how much of ourselves must we set aside for a “greater purpose”? What does it mean for life to be good yet fleeting? Forgive me, but I don’t believe you have nothing more to say. :)) I hold as a maxim for life, the saying, “wherefore one cannot speak clearly, one must remain silent,” but if anything, you have been as clear as the sun and star light you have so poignantly described. Take your time as well (if only so that I may read your response when my schedule and internet connection becomes better! huhu) You will be happy to know, that yes, I am doing alright and if it’s alright, the heaviness of my sleepless days here would be lightened if I were to know that the same is true for you. I hope your day starts and ends as sweet and as wonderful as it can ever be. The warmest greetings and solidarity to you from the fields of Maigo, the uplands of Ozamiz and again, the bustling and beautiful city of Iligan and all the places I’ve been to the past days which in one way or another, have made their presence felt through the words of this message.
042619 // 1:57 AM
