#letterstosyl

[withflowersandwords]

Sixty

I slept at 4 in the morning today, and I woke up at 7.30am. I don’t feel like myself today. I have this strong temptation to run away from everything. I felt so drained out, I still am right now. I was driving back home and decided to use the old road, but changed my mind half way and went back to using the highway. I can’t even think straight. Even with the loud music that was playing, I still couldn’t drown my inner voice. Scary inner voices that wants me to just end everything right away. 

But I know it is not worth it. And even when I listen to those inner voices, it won’t change anything. Better yet, he won’t care. I’m not going to repeat the same mistakes again. I’ll get better, soon. I was the one who took the initiative to approach him, already knowing that there is a possibility of myself getting hurt. I saw it coming, and yet here I am.. acting as if the hurt is not possible. 

God prepared myself for a better man, and perhaps he is not it. I shouldn’t force things anymore. I should redha and accept what God has written for me whole-heartedly. Time to move on now, big girl. 

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Nine

Syl, it took me so much courage to face this dreadful day that I’ve long awaited for years. I found out today that you’re still happily in a relationship. Alhamdulillah, I’m always happy for you. I’m always happy to know that you’ve happily settled down. Ya Allah, Syl, I wish I can say the same for myself. 

I asked you if you’re up to the idea of meeting an old friend for the last time. Of course, I’m hoping that you’ll say yes, but I know you’ll say the opposite. Whatever the answer is, I accept that that is what God had written for us. God knows what is best and I hope I can finally have the courage to accept it whole-heartedly and finally make a move away from all these negativity. Have mercy on me, Syl. Give me a chance for a renewal. 

Hopefully this will be one of the last few letters that I will send to you.

 I miss you and I deserve to be happy too. 

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Eight

Syl,

I was on my way home few hours ago when the radio played Dygta’s Maafkan. It was a rainy night and everything seemed to go along with my feelings. Seven years ago today, you asked me if I’d want to be yours forever and I never broke that promise till this day. I can’t deny that I’ve kept the biggest part of my heart for when you decide to return one day. Damn it, I miss you and I wish you can forgive me for everything. 

It would have been our 7th year today. I still wish you’re here. To hold me tight and to remind me that you’ll always be a part of my happiness now and until forever. Forever. Such as strong word to use and to be honest, I can only dare to use it with you. With you, my one and only. 

Come to think of it. Will I ever have the guts to let everything out for when you’re infront of me? Or will I just let you know that I’m doing fine without you and ignore the pain that I had for the past years? Will you ever give me the chance to prove to you that I’m worth it? 

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Seven

Dear Syl, 

Exactly a year since Fifty-Six. I’ve been better, I swear. It’s 2 in the morning and here I am. I had a dream. I know it’s just a dream, but it felt real. We were almost there for each other, but there were obstacles that got in between and in the end, we couldn’t reach each other. I woke up instantly and got this terrible feeling that lead me into writing here. 

I can’t write anywhere else about you anymore. I can’t when I have someone whose feelings I need to take care of. It has been a long journey with you and these letters, from “three years ago” to “seven years go”. Time flies so fast and I’m sure we’ve been through a lot of things that shaped us into who we are today. It is the 25th December of 2016 today, eve of our supposedly seventh year anniversary. Seventh - few years to tenth. My only hopes are to mend everything with you before we reach our tenth year and as well as to have a renewal with you. I’ve been saying that for years now and still, I am not brave enough to make the first move. Maybe one day, if I can find the means to reach you. 

The only and only person that I still dare to talk about you asked me if I still miss you. I answered her that I can only repress the feelings away. It’s true. Whenever you crossed my mind, I can only force myself to keep the feelings all to myself and wait for time to heal me. I hope someday when my words reach you, you will understand what I’ve been feeling all these while. Please try to understand and be appreciative on this. Things weren’t easy for me. 

You were the only one person that I’ve truly love this much, you still are... till this day. 

Always yours. 

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-five

Hi Sylvester. I thought of writing your real name for this post, but I am just not ready yet. I’ve been busy with Uni, juggling with things and all that. I wonder sometimes what you’re up to, if you’re doing okay with people around you. I miss you, but I’m content with how we are now. I wonder if I’ve crossed your mind sometimes.. and I wonder how you remember me as. But whatever it is, I hope you know that I am no longer the same person I was back then. I hope you know that I am getting better, no longer the same naive girl you used to share some memories with. Above all, I hope you know that I am still willing to give you the world. I know I’m all that, but I don’t know if I’m an enough for you. Will I ever be, Syl? Let me know.. so I can change for you and perhaps by then I can  convince you to stay...

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Three

I hooked up with someone today, Syl. It felt weird because I don’t even really know this person that well. We hooked up before, few years ago.. but when he came back into my life, I have this strong sense that I shouldn’t trust him. I shouldn’t trust him, Syl... but I gave myself to him in the end. I honestly do not know what to expect from this.. from the situation that this guy & I are having. At times I find myself having the urge to tell him that I love him.. but then I realized that I don’t. I am used to doing all these things with someone I actually have real feelings for, not someone who meets me only for hook ups. It feels odd to have your lips attached to someone you have no feelings with. It feels weird giving yourself to someone who probably have no intention of keeping you in the future.

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Two

Hello Syl. How have you been? I have an infinite amount of words to say to you, an amount of words I’ve accumulated for the past few years. However, no matter what, I just can’t put my feelings into the exact words. All these feelings I’ve long kept all to myself. I’ve spilled it to you once, and with how you’ve responded... I’m not sure if I will ever have the courage to do it again. But I just don’t know how to give up. I’ve tried a lot of things. I’ve tried everything, but the biggest part of my heart still belongs to you. I need to move on, Syl but I just can’t accept moving forward without you. I can’t blame you for not listening; I just can only blame myself for not telling.  I kept on staying patient all these years and hoped that someday I might be able to convince myself otherwise, but I can’t stay strong all the time. Syl, sometimes I feel this literal pain inside of me. My heart aches to pieces knowing that you’ve long forgotten about me while I still craves for your presence. My heart stayed closed and locked rejecting each and everyone who tried to come in. Somehow it convinced itself that you’re the only one worthy of opening it. But in the deepest of my heart, somehow I knew that you wouldn’t. What we had was great.... but perhaps it’s better if it stayed where it belong to. I’ve long forgiven you for what you did, Syl. But to forget you is what concerns me. We never have a great ending to reminisce to and I don’t know how you managed to moved on from us without even caring what happened. I just hoped that we’ll meet again someday and perhaps we’ll be better for each other by then. You & I deserve to be happy, Syl.  I’ve missed you since.  

[withflowersandwords]

Fourty-Eight

What’s worse than forcing myself to let him in is that, I actually thought he wanted to. I know I restrained myself from doing so, but somehow I felt the need to do it. It was a fun short period of time. He made me open up a lot of things such as talking about my past and the wrongs that I did. I mean… I couldn’t believe that I did it with him. He offered me nothing and yet, something moved me. My mistakes.

It’s just that… Although I knew that he wouldn’t stay long and I didn’t hope that he would, yet somehow I still feel weak. I knew I would be left with regrets when he leave, but I didn’t expect that I’m left with questions as well. I couldn’t ask as I have no idea what’s missing and I didn’t even know what answers to seek for.

He pulled me in, flower me with promises and hopes. I thought I’m smart enough to know that a man who says love easily is also the same man who leaves easily. I shouldn’t be bothered by this. Really. I have already expected for this. It’s just that I didn’t planned on what to do when it happen. But oh well, I’ve already told him this before, “Whatever it is, life goes on.”