LOVE ALWAYS,

20/ F formally Lettersto-syl

[withflowersandwords]

Sixty

I slept at 4 in the morning today, and I woke up at 7.30am. I don’t feel like myself today. I have this strong temptation to run away from everything. I felt so drained out, I still am right now. I was driving back home and decided to use the old road, but changed my mind half way and went back to using the highway. I can’t even think straight. Even with the loud music that was playing, I still couldn’t drown my inner voice. Scary inner voices that wants me to just end everything right away. 

But I know it is not worth it. And even when I listen to those inner voices, it won’t change anything. Better yet, he won’t care. I’m not going to repeat the same mistakes again. I’ll get better, soon. I was the one who took the initiative to approach him, already knowing that there is a possibility of myself getting hurt. I saw it coming, and yet here I am.. acting as if the hurt is not possible. 

God prepared myself for a better man, and perhaps he is not it. I shouldn’t force things anymore. I should redha and accept what God has written for me whole-heartedly. Time to move on now, big girl. 

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Nine

Syl, it took me so much courage to face this dreadful day that I’ve long awaited for years. I found out today that you’re still happily in a relationship. Alhamdulillah, I’m always happy for you. I’m always happy to know that you’ve happily settled down. Ya Allah, Syl, I wish I can say the same for myself. 

I asked you if you’re up to the idea of meeting an old friend for the last time. Of course, I’m hoping that you’ll say yes, but I know you’ll say the opposite. Whatever the answer is, I accept that that is what God had written for us. God knows what is best and I hope I can finally have the courage to accept it whole-heartedly and finally make a move away from all these negativity. Have mercy on me, Syl. Give me a chance for a renewal. 

Hopefully this will be one of the last few letters that I will send to you.

 I miss you and I deserve to be happy too. 

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Eight

Syl,

I was on my way home few hours ago when the radio played Dygta’s Maafkan. It was a rainy night and everything seemed to go along with my feelings. Seven years ago today, you asked me if I’d want to be yours forever and I never broke that promise till this day. I can’t deny that I’ve kept the biggest part of my heart for when you decide to return one day. Damn it, I miss you and I wish you can forgive me for everything. 

It would have been our 7th year today. I still wish you’re here. To hold me tight and to remind me that you’ll always be a part of my happiness now and until forever. Forever. Such as strong word to use and to be honest, I can only dare to use it with you. With you, my one and only. 

Come to think of it. Will I ever have the guts to let everything out for when you’re infront of me? Or will I just let you know that I’m doing fine without you and ignore the pain that I had for the past years? Will you ever give me the chance to prove to you that I’m worth it? 

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Seven

Dear Syl, 

Exactly a year since Fifty-Six. I’ve been better, I swear. It’s 2 in the morning and here I am. I had a dream. I know it’s just a dream, but it felt real. We were almost there for each other, but there were obstacles that got in between and in the end, we couldn’t reach each other. I woke up instantly and got this terrible feeling that lead me into writing here. 

I can’t write anywhere else about you anymore. I can’t when I have someone whose feelings I need to take care of. It has been a long journey with you and these letters, from “three years ago” to “seven years go”. Time flies so fast and I’m sure we’ve been through a lot of things that shaped us into who we are today. It is the 25th December of 2016 today, eve of our supposedly seventh year anniversary. Seventh - few years to tenth. My only hopes are to mend everything with you before we reach our tenth year and as well as to have a renewal with you. I’ve been saying that for years now and still, I am not brave enough to make the first move. Maybe one day, if I can find the means to reach you. 

The only and only person that I still dare to talk about you asked me if I still miss you. I answered her that I can only repress the feelings away. It’s true. Whenever you crossed my mind, I can only force myself to keep the feelings all to myself and wait for time to heal me. I hope someday when my words reach you, you will understand what I’ve been feeling all these while. Please try to understand and be appreciative on this. Things weren’t easy for me. 

You were the only one person that I’ve truly love this much, you still are... till this day. 

Always yours. 

[mingdliu-deactivated20210422]

“How are you,” he asks. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you.” “I’m used to this. You’re not the first person to walk away so you can say that yes, I should’ve known and by now I’m almost numb to the pain.” He gives me a pained look, one where his eyes could barely stare into mine; and uncomfortable stance that seems to be feets away when we’re merely inches apart. With nothing left to say, this is him walking away once more.

Stories I’ll tell one day #86 – Ming D. Liu (via mingdliu)

[connotativewords]

If we weren’t meant to be together in this lifetime, I’d rather not take a chance at knowing you in the next.

Connotativewords | jl | Heads or Tails (via connotativewords)

[theunsentletterstoyou]

To the person I once loved, 

what we had was epic and we loved with everything. Maybe to much. And our love didn’t over shadow our differences. We fought about small things and even smaller things. we were both immature and nieve but that’s high school for you. And I very well believe that if we could have made it through high school we had a bright future together. But not only did we deal with high school drama we had real things going on in both of our lives and there was nothing we could do about that. And when the stress of Those problems was to great we took it out on each other. We were no longer just young and in love there was more to it. I hate that we came to this but what could we do at this point? We the people we used to be the people who we fell in love with such a short time ago those people are gone…. We grew up and we didn’t grow together we grew apart. And we simply tried to hard for something that just wasn’t meant to be. But you’ve taught me a lot. You’ve taught me that the only person you can truely rely on is yourself. And you have to love yourself for anyone else to love you. And until the end you showed me how a man should treat a woman. But you changed into someone i didn’t love anymore. It took me a while to realize this. But you didn’t love me anymore, you didn’t care anymore. You weren’t the person I once fell in love with. And when you began to push me away I paniced and I wanted to do whatever I could to get you back and I pushed to hard. But in reality you were actually done the entire time. There was nothing left to fight for. And now I know at the lowest moments in my life you were there for a reason. And now I know that I’m stronger without you. You were my safe person. But I don’t need that anymore. I honestly don’t need all the people I thought I did. I’m no longer sad that we aren’t together. I’m happy with the moments we had and I no longer need you in my life. Just know if you never hear from me again. It’s because I don’t need you, don’t want you and I no longer love you. Because you aren’t the person you used to be. You’re a stranger. 

-nobody

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-six

Syl,

Can I see you? I just need to see you. I just need this to get over with. I can’t stand it. I’ve been suffering for years now and I don’t see it getting better... I can’t lie, I am still hoping for you. No, it isn’t one of those days. It’s a constant feeling. It’s almost five years now. I think it’s time I deserve my closure. I always have this urge to leave you a text but I just don’t have the courage to face the truth that I am just someone you used to be with when you were young and you probably don’t remember me anymore. I probably don’t matter to you as much as you do to me. I am scared... I am scared of how much pain you’ll cause me. I don’t have the energy to go on anymore. I can’t do it, but I need to. I’m so scared..

Syl... Syl... Can you ask me that, instead? Can you ask me to meet you for a random meet up, instead of me doing it? Can we please just pretend we’re still the best of friends and pretend the years of hurt never happen? Can you please...... 

[kaliforhnia]

Let them miss you. Sometimes when you’re always available they take you for granted because they think you’ll always stay.

(via kaliforhnia)

[wordsnquotes]

You have me. Until every last star in the galaxy dies. You have me.

Amie Kaufman, Illuminae (via wordsnquotes)

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-five

Hi Sylvester. I thought of writing your real name for this post, but I am just not ready yet. I’ve been busy with Uni, juggling with things and all that. I wonder sometimes what you’re up to, if you’re doing okay with people around you. I miss you, but I’m content with how we are now. I wonder if I’ve crossed your mind sometimes.. and I wonder how you remember me as. But whatever it is, I hope you know that I am no longer the same person I was back then. I hope you know that I am getting better, no longer the same naive girl you used to share some memories with. Above all, I hope you know that I am still willing to give you the world. I know I’m all that, but I don’t know if I’m an enough for you. Will I ever be, Syl? Let me know.. so I can change for you and perhaps by then I can  convince you to stay...

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Four

Remember the guy that I talked about the last time I wrote? I know I’ve said that I’m not expected anything serious from this. So last night, I jokingly told him to go ahead and find another girl. I swear, I was just joking! And he replied me with a “You’re mean. And you’re confusing me. Goodnight.” I apologized but he didn’t leave me any texts today. And I felt guilty. I realize now that with all that we’ve talked about and did, It felt as if I’m leading him on. I don’t know if i am or if i’m not. One more thing, I am well aware that he is using me.. for his own benefit. And I’m so stupid for letting him to. I don’t know.... I just hope that I am wrong....................... 

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Three

I hooked up with someone today, Syl. It felt weird because I don’t even really know this person that well. We hooked up before, few years ago.. but when he came back into my life, I have this strong sense that I shouldn’t trust him. I shouldn’t trust him, Syl... but I gave myself to him in the end. I honestly do not know what to expect from this.. from the situation that this guy & I are having. At times I find myself having the urge to tell him that I love him.. but then I realized that I don’t. I am used to doing all these things with someone I actually have real feelings for, not someone who meets me only for hook ups. It feels odd to have your lips attached to someone you have no feelings with. It feels weird giving yourself to someone who probably have no intention of keeping you in the future.

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-Two

Hello Syl. How have you been? I have an infinite amount of words to say to you, an amount of words I’ve accumulated for the past few years. However, no matter what, I just can’t put my feelings into the exact words. All these feelings I’ve long kept all to myself. I’ve spilled it to you once, and with how you’ve responded... I’m not sure if I will ever have the courage to do it again. But I just don’t know how to give up. I’ve tried a lot of things. I’ve tried everything, but the biggest part of my heart still belongs to you. I need to move on, Syl but I just can’t accept moving forward without you. I can’t blame you for not listening; I just can only blame myself for not telling.  I kept on staying patient all these years and hoped that someday I might be able to convince myself otherwise, but I can’t stay strong all the time. Syl, sometimes I feel this literal pain inside of me. My heart aches to pieces knowing that you’ve long forgotten about me while I still craves for your presence. My heart stayed closed and locked rejecting each and everyone who tried to come in. Somehow it convinced itself that you’re the only one worthy of opening it. But in the deepest of my heart, somehow I knew that you wouldn’t. What we had was great.... but perhaps it’s better if it stayed where it belong to. I’ve long forgiven you for what you did, Syl. But to forget you is what concerns me. We never have a great ending to reminisce to and I don’t know how you managed to moved on from us without even caring what happened. I just hoped that we’ll meet again someday and perhaps we’ll be better for each other by then. You & I deserve to be happy, Syl.  I’ve missed you since.  

[xxrebekahx]

All I want is for you to miss me as much as I miss you.

-it’s been 156 days (via bitterlove-sweethate)

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty-One

Syl, I am always that one friend people seek advices to. I am fine with it, I feel happy doing it. After all, I get to learn from all that is going on with their relationships, without even being in one. Few days ago, MD called me up and talked about how he is one of a lady’s choices. With that, I gave my advises and on what I would do if I am in the place of the lady.  MD ended up with our conversation by telling me that he told the girl to choose wisely and if the other guy is better than him in terms of religion matter, MD would sincerely accept the lady’s decision for that matter. That statement caught me. After all these time, I never consider religion as one of the matter of affecting my choices. After all these time, despite everything, I’d choose you without even considering anything. How ridiculously blind I was! With how you made me feel throughout these years, I am just left here wondering is you’ll be able to lead me to the right path. I haven’t been the right servant for my God, Syl and the person that I need to be with for the rest of my life should be someone who is able to lead me during the prayer. I need someone whose love is greater for God than for what he has to offer me. I need to be with someone who will love me not only in the life that we live in now but will seek to love me in the hereafter. By that, he will encourage us to go good deeds and remind me on the endless happiness we will get to have in the hereafter. I need to be with someone who is willing to accept my past for what it is, and would never even try to affect the future that we will work hard for. Somehow I know that God will lead me to the right person at the right time and with the right circumstances. I will continue to believe in God’s ability to bring me to His greatness. I know it won’t be easy, and that is why I know that it will be worth it in the end. I just hope that I will continue to have great strength to go on though these hardship. InshaAllah. He will never give His servants something that is out of His servants’ ability.  

[withflowersandwords]

Fifty

Syl, I have been placing your happiness above mine all these years. I don’t mind, really. There are also times when I question the necessity for me to do that. Yes, it kills me to see you happy while I suffer so heavily here. But it also kills me to see you down. I'd do anything just to make you happy, if only you’d give me the chance. Now. Not then. Cause I wouldn't know how capable I am in loving you back then. I wouldn't appreciate you as much as I do now. Yes, it’s true what they say, we wouldn't know how to appreciate someone not until you lost them. I lose you, you’re no longer mine.. I let you go... but how is it possible that I am still grieving years after? I want to share all the best things in my life with you. I want you to be there in my every wonderful moments. I want you to always be by my side. I want you to hold my tight because I know, I know you can always make me feel better. Only you can make me feel better. I need you. Please come back? Its such a stupid thing to say that when I know you’re comfortable in someone else’s arms. I’m sorry.