Not specializing: an apology to tumblr
Since I decided to try and post on her more often I have found it incredibly difficult to get started for one main reason: I have been holding back on you, tumblr. I write things ALL THE TIME, but I hold them back from you. I am afraid of what I put out on the internet just in case something happens and I want to tailor myself to be more "me."
tumblr, I've been treating you like a new friend. I have been acting like I am afraid that you are too cool for me, and that if I revealed some of the dorky or quirky interests I have (like my religion, or my politics, or teaching philosophy, or calligraphy attempts) you would shun me, never to be interested again.
tumblr, I have believed the lies my society has told me my whole life. I have been propagating those untruths in my own mind, telling myself that it is too risky to be me on the internet. Thinking that until I have built a following I can't be totally me. As if temporarily I have to be some 2-dimensional projection of me...
Ironically, this fear never extended into my life as a teenage blogger. I was completely confident in my quirks being welcome on the internet as a teenager, because I knew only teenagers would read it, and the ones that would stay were awesome, and the ones that didn't were dumb anyway. Now there are these thoughts in my head that say that someone important (whatever that means...) could find this blog and determine my future. Like what? offer me a job? I have a job (ish?) and I really like working where I do. If they wanted to endow my department with more money to hire me I'd support that, but otherwise, how could these important people of the internet really change the course of my life? I'm not a specialist, performer, musician, artist, or whatever, so it's not like I'm going to be displaying my life's work on tumblr (sure, writing is something I do and it's "work" in some sense, but I'm not paid to write and I doubt I will be any time soon). I am just putting out a little bit of me here and there, tumblr, whether you like it or not.
And I do hope you like me, just like anyone would. If you don't, tumblr, it's OK. I think I can still like you enough for both of us.