#authentic me

[running-swimming-living]

I have been doing some thinking about my life and my circumstances. I am at a crossroads. I currently live in the Seattle area with my family and work at a grocery store. I am faltering at the store. I just had a bout of depression. My meds seem to be stabilized for now. And I am planning a trip to California at the end of February. And now my question is, Do I move to California for a year?

I am stuck. I haven't done much in my life to advance myself. My job doesn't feel fulfilling. I don't feel capable or competent at work. Something is so very off. I've been through the therapy. I have the meds. What if it's just the human condition? What if I just need to live?

I want to move to California, but that would be expensive. And troublesome for everyone involved. It would be dramatic.

So here I am in Washington. Just doing my thing. Waking up late. Working the bare minimum. Staying up late doing nothing. Watching instagram and YouTube shorts. I fill my days with shifts at the grocery store and plans with friends.

I could easily do this shit in California. So why don't I make a change? I've been in this stagnation for almost 10 years. When I was 17, I told myself: I would pursue what makes me happy, even if that scares me. And it's like, psychosis made everything null and void. I lost my humanity with it. I didn't respond to my feelings or listen to my instincts. I lost me. But what if I just lived?

I feel stuck because I feel like I am at the mercy of finances. But if I really sit down and hash it out, I wonder what I could accomplish.

[itsdneo]

The only happiness in my life right now is from..

Not having winter throughout the year and having my dreads back

I'm somehow content with just these two factors

Cause they mean that much to me

[silenceisover]

i want to scream

I AM A TRANSGENDER GUY WITH ASPERGERS. WE EXIST. WE HAVE FEELINGS. WE DESERVE LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND A CHANCE TO LIVE AS OUR AUTHENTIC SELVES.

but i cant. because I HAVE ASPERGERS, i cant. one of my "aspie traits" is emotional mutism, or losing my words when i get emotional. so even though i want to scream it from the rooftops, i cant. i cant.

[trainstorm]

Being my authentic self as a trainer and room for failure

For the last years i have been thinking a lot about my training style and questioning seriously if it is right or i should change it. Having been in a co-active coaching training course as a participant for the last two days, i now finally have the answer to that question and it is that the best possible trainer i can be is my authentic self. This means that i bring all that i have to offer as a person and the skills i have as a trainer and now also coach. I am a trainer who likes to empower others to learn, grow and try out what it means to direct their own learning. The fact that i use 'i am' means i am fully involved in it with my brain, heart, soul and body. Some participants will connect to me and others will need a different person with different qualities to forward their learning and that is perfect. It lifts a massive weight of my shoulders (the weight of doubting if i am enough the way i am) and i have to thank Fiona and Karen, the two trainers in the co-active training for it. They showed me how empowering it is to connect to an authentic trainer and it is exactely what i want to be and offer. So now the next step is to let go of the idea that i am not good enough the way i am (goodbye saboteur!) and to show my true colors in everything i do! Another thing i learned from this training is that failing is absolutely normal and fine. By giving yourself and others permission to try, fail and learn from it, you create both space and safety. I have never had an issue with telling participants that i tried something and it did not work and i now realise it is a strenght that i really can use more, especially when it comes to self-directed learning and coaching. Trying and learning from failing is constructive, being paralysed by the fear of failure is not, so i am now sure that showing learners that failure is part of learning can be incredibly empowering and reassuring. So I failed numerous times today, but i enjoyed it and i learned so much from it! There is a lot more but i will share it later! In any case enjoying training as a learner outside of my normal context is really great and i am planning to do it a lot more! If i want to continue to forward the learning of others i also need to forward my own and that process is definitely on!

[thetpr]

See. I just wanna be Loved for who I am. I don't want to have to act any certain kinda way. Just Authentic Me