Matthew, I don't understand it, but you've been in my dreams lately. A lot. I haven't seen or spoken to you in 5 years, and, up until recently, it felt like the 6 something years we spent together hadn't really existed. That you hadn't really existed. I must have never come to terms with how badly you actually treated me. How badly I let myself be treated. In my dreams, I go back to being the forgiving doormat that you turned me into. Sure, we fought like mad. I believed every lie you told me, every single fucking lie. You made me feel like I was crazy, unnecessarily jealous, a controlling bitch. But all my fears were founded. You couldn't even tell me the truth when you did me the mercy of breaking up with me - 6 months after I had tried to so the same to you. That's right, you manipulated me so horribly, used our friends to do the same, that I took you back without question. I went from feeling free to being back under your spell in a matter of 3 days. All of the shit things aside, I don't hate you. It would mean actually wasting energy on you. The only times that seems to happen now is when I'm sleeping. Which is why I had to write this all down - maybe this will make you leave my mind forever. I wish you well, and I wish her well too. Hopefully you're good to her and the little boys she had for you. I hope the drinking has slowed, the selfishness has given way and that you've opened your heart fully to the family you've created. There would be nothing worse for me than knowing you are putting them through the same things you put me through.