#lev rambling

[moonviewcrew]

I know I've already said something along these lines before but the fact that I have never once cross posted to a*nti-endo tags nor specifically replied to or sought out anyone in those spaces, yet constantly have to see a*nti-endos attacking people on my dash and even sometimes coming to my blog is just so fucking telling man. I try to curate my space and keep to MY community (the inclusive plural community) but the harassment is nigh impossible to avoid. Every goalpost is unreachable, the key example of this being the *intense* vetting needed to get into inslucive plural discord servers that can STILL end up being invaded. If they wanted everyone to keep to our own spaces that shit wouldn't be half as necessary.

So what is it, do they want us to just stop "invading" their communities, or do they just want us to stop speaking, even to just each other? To stop having a voice? To stop existing? It's pretty clear to me which it is, and I've just given up on trying to appease an agenda that denies the very being of those closest to me.

I just want like, chill discussions about different system dynamics and memes. This is all so tiring.

[moonviewcrew]

honestly I've stopped caring about whether or not anybody sees us as "real". I honestly do not care anymore if we are valid or supported or loved or whatever because none of that will change the fact that we are here.

My headmates have saved me from the brink of really bad spots, laughed with me on good days, bickered with me on off days, and generally just fucking... Existed with me. And no one will ever take that from me, from any of us, no matter how much they accuse us of faking or tell us it's not possible for us to exist.

Too fucking bad you don't think I exist or my family exists and too fucking bad if the fact of our experience is somehow "mocking" some community we've never attempted to be associated with. Like, even at times when I've asked myself every day if I was faking and even when I tried to ignore my headmates they STILL existed.

Idk, I don't understand what's going on inside my own brain much less anyone else's, so I'm just going to stick to figuring out our own shit instead of trying to figure out how to best prove ourselves to anybody else.

[moonviewcrew]

for the most part we're a Created system but sometimes I remember things from my childhood that feel very plural-coded in a median system kind of way. I think in a way my identity has always been a bit fractured and getting into headmate creation actually helped bring parts of the brain together more, like parts of myself I couldn't name or access before are now my headmates and I can chat with them. kind of cool how that all works tbh.

[moonviewcrew]

the post abt median systems definitely has me Thinking about how my 'kin experiences work and integrate with my plurality.

For me, being other/fictionkin had always been a combination of 'what I was in a past life' and 'what I still am', as in I was an angel at some point and then eventually became my current self, but sometimes I'm still an angel. But because I have a relatively clear timeline of my past lives (like there was a straight line from angel to sea serpent and from sea serpent into my later human 'types), sometimes kinshifts feel like moving a dial through that timeline if that makes sense.

Like sometimes the dial slides back to the beginning, to my First self as an angel, and for that time I'm back in that headspace. But if it slides past that, I identify not as an angel, but as as a creature who once was an angel. Which reminds me a little bit of median systems who, for example, might move between an older and younger version of themselves. Except my older and younger versions also happen to be different creatures?

Even when I'm not in a shift and feel somewhat disconnected from it, I still count it as a part/element of myself. But theres definitely times when i look back at my behavior during a shift and feel like it's decisively different than who I am now even though it is/was me. Which does seem to align with some medians' experiences?

Also sometimes the timeline is a circle and I'm every point along the circle at once bc who's ever heard of linearity but. Yknow. That's how it goes.

Anyways, when I lay it all out I can definitely see how it's similar to median systems but also, it does seem to fall solidly under other experiences I've seen from fellow other kin who wouldn't identify themselves as median.

When I think about my headmates, who don't really have kin experiences, they do seem like more solidly one person whereas I feel more like a literal wheel of people/creatures in one package. But if I didn't have headmates I wouldn't have the frame of reference to call myself median I think?

Idk someone once put an image in my mind of 'it you could see time, every person would look like a long snake made up of every version of themselves throughout time" and I feel like I am that snake 🐍

[moonviewcrew]

I was hit with nostalgia looking at my old phone and opening up Amino today, I remembered back in 2018 (7 years ago, yikes) I had joined some Tulpa amino and was sad to see they're completely inactive by now. I know Amino has a bad reputation but that's the only time I felt like I really had a community around plurality, tbh? Like, I know there is a community on tumblr, but it always seems a bit intimidating and broad, whereas something like Discord is almost too insular.

I kind of miss just having one place to see people making journal entries about their everyday experiences or their innerworlds or whatever, instead of sysc*ourse :') the ability to make wikis on Amino was actually quite nice now that I think of it

[moonviewcrew]

currently wrapped up in a very stressful school project and Jay is surprisingly taking lead which is, on one hand, very nice of him. but on the other hand, dude why do you LIKE stress 😭

[moonviewcrew]

when the fuckin krill fit drops in Sky officially you will not see me in any other cosmetics. I am the krill guy. Krill 4 lyfe.

[moonviewcrew]

more Struggling™ with origin thoughts.

I've realized over time that shit that I went through in my childhood does "count" as trauma and continues to affect me to this day. And it was even at an 'early enough' stage of my life. And yet I know literally the exact day I heard of tulpamancy and the exact day I decided to form Jay (from diaries), and that was about 4 yrs ago when I was in high school. So we're not traumagenic.

However since then we've had the rest of our headmates form from nowhere except basically stress. So it's like I had to open the gate for my brain to use plurity as a coping mechanism. BUT another part of me wonders if I did have "plural tendencies" (dunno how to phrase it) as a child but not realize it? Cuz I remember things like getting entirely lost in my own head to the point of phasing out reality around me, or things like looking in the mirror and being surprised I had a different body than in my head. But I don't have any headmates from before Jay. Closest I had was a very very personified plushie but she's not exactly around anymore, plus it normal for kids to talk to a teddy bear or whatever.

Honestly the whole 'endogenics are secretly traumagenic' narrative might just be messing me up and making me search for things that aren't there, but I need to write it all down instead of just letting it tumble around in my brain. I'm probably grasping at straws to feel more valid or something. Idk. I'm also very sleepy right now so I should head off to bed but a certain headmate suddenly has a lot of creative drive so lmao we'll see.