Come join the fun! OUT is in USA & Lezbhonest Dragon Boat Team will B there! Pride wear sales ...tons of activities and music. https://sdpride.org/shefest #sandiegopride #shefest #lesbian #pride #outisinusa #lesbianfashion #queerfashion #girlsnightoutsandiego #northpark #livemusic #thingstodoinsandiego #LGBTQ #lezbhonest — at North Park Community Park. (at North Park Community Park)
Okay, so that was the update on the L sitch. There’s sosososo much more on every other plane. Truly drama in dykeville.
So the friends all mostly came back to me. My ex still lives with one of my good friends, but she and I don’t talk at all. I don’t have much interest in it, tbh. She texted me on my birthday and it really upset me. Why unfriend me everywhere and then try to ruin my birthday? If she wanted to truly stay friends, she woudln’t have unfollowed me and I don’t actually want to spend any time with her anyway.
This is a recurring theme with me and exes.
So I’ve been dating around for a while. I got excited about a couple of hopeful prospects but two of them ended up not being anything, distressingly enough.
But I started seeing one of my (former) good friends, one half of a polyamorous married couple. Now I don’t consider myself poly, though there are many aspects that do make sense to me. Especially when I’m single and dating, I’m talking to or seeing more than one person, (not that it’s especially exciting or fulfilling). So I’ve kind of opened myself up a little to allow that I might not be the strict monogamist that heteronormative culture leads us to believe is the only way to do things. So I just say I’m “open” and that fits me the way queer fits me. I’m basically a lesbian, but I also am attracted to trans men and sometimes even cis men. I feel bad for those indiscretions, because I really want to be with women, but I like who I like and I don’t really get to choose who that is. (Believe me, if I could choose it wouldn’t be people who have nothing in common with me!). So queer fits because I’m not straight up lez (and I don’t identify as bi or pan). And open fits me because I don’t like the poly label and ethical nonmonogamy is too long to say and hard to explain. But it’s basically that without those particular labels. Hey, language is important.
So anyway, I started dating this friend, G, who is the wife of one of my really good friends--with her blessing of course. I had many hesitations and questions and projected many problems but it was fun and exciting at the time and since they were both so agreeable to the situation I just kind of went with it.
And she was crazy about me for a hot second. I was totally gaga for her too, maybe I caught feelings too fast or something? I don’t know what happened, but it fills me with despair. I’m trying to boil things down a little for you, but now that I’m at the end of that relationship I can’t help but think about where and when and why things went wrong. And blame myself for being too much, the way women always do.
Basically we started dating and things were really great for about a month. Then she started to text me less often and was less apt to be available to go out on dates with me, and things just felt different. I felt the distance, the coolness, figured I was being too needy and tried to cool down on her a little, give her some breathing space.
I was politely brushed off time and time again, and we had a couple of meetings where things were a little tense. Once, back in late january, she upset me with a political tirade when I was already feeling really despondent over our political situation and I left her place in tears.
Later, we had some things to talk about and work out, which we tried to work on. But she never held up her end of the bargain, and I felt like I”d been duped by all her charming words and no charming actions to go with them.
For me, I really needed and wanted a physical relationship, and she seemed all for it at first. We only slept together twice, and I was eager for more. Here’s where I beat myself up-- I don’t know what I did or didn’t do or if I was just not hot enough for her or what. But she kept stringing me along for months, telling me how important I was to her and making excuses. When I talked to her about it she’d reassure me and I’d feel better for a second and then she’d continue to not show me the affection that I needed. Aside from some very chaste pecks on the lips and a brief hug of greeting here or there, there was just nothing. My heart was just breaking so slowly, so painfully.
You can’t make someone love you.
You can talk about things until you’re blue in the face, but if you can’t show me your affection then I don’t understand how it exists. She wasn’t willing to make time for me, she wasn’t willing to even make out with me, let alone have sex, and I just dried up into this bitter, disappointed shell.
Now don’t get me wrong-- I’m all for consent culture, I’m not trying to coerce anyone into doing anything they don’t want to do. But I am honest and I’ll tell people what I want and what I’d like to see happen. If that’s not what they want, cool, it’s fine. I’m not going to push it. She seemed agreeable to a physical relationship and then wouldn’t ever make time for me. That distance between us just kept growing wider.
I understand that people get busy and have to prioritize other relationships in poly circles. But people make time for the things they want to do and the people they want to be with. She never made time for me and it really hurt.
Things just kept getting weirder and weirder. Even though we’d hang out in group situations, there was an elephant in the room. The chaste pecks on the lips stopped, and everything just.... I knew it was over. It was over a long time ago but I just didn’t want to think it was. I was so excited when we started this whole thing, and she just... I think she just stopped liking me but didn’t want to hurt my feelings so she just drifted off.
Anyway I ended it last week, it was kind of dumb. First I spoke with her wife, who affirmed my feelings that G was treating me horribly, and we talked long into the night about what’s been going on, how she’s been behind the scenes, trying to help G be a better girlfriend to me, to no avail. I felt such relief after talking to my friend for hours, such immense relief to hear that it’s not just my close friends and me who think G was being stupid and insensitive.
But I was already done. I’d written a thousand breakup letters in my head, agonized for hours and days and weeks about it. This woman is just not good enough for me-- I’m tired of the empty promises and feeling shitty because nothing ever changes. Even her own wife saw it and did what she could to prod her into being better for me, not that it helped.
So I was not surprised the next day when I got a text from G, which was very apologetic but was basically an “I can’t do this” text.
A text, Gee thanks.
I wrote her a letter back, to which she never responded.
A week and a couple days later it’s time for our regular monthly meeting, which I really look forward to and did not want to miss. So I showed up as usual, bravely. Things went ok. We had our meeting and I guess it wasn’t too awkward for everyone else but it took a lot out of me. I didn’t even want to look at her, let alone talk to her. And some of the things we all talked about at the meeting were things that were so raw and bleeding, things that I wished I could say without her in the room: my responses to some writing that obviously affected me because of this situation. Am I ever going to be able to just speak freely without thinking about her reading between the lines? Do I even want to stay a part of this group? Am I willing to forfeit the friends and activities and the fun and community we all have for her?
Things have been really hard. It was stupid. My entire love life is a fucking joke and I am just so stupid. All I want is for someone to give a shit about me and it turns out that nobody does. Least of all the person I was dating. Her own wife cared more about me than she did. And now I’m stuck visiting with this woman who disappointed me so deeply, whose actions (lack of action) felt so hurtful and dismissive to me as to make me question and doubt my own worth.
Because at the end of the day, I wasn’t good enough for her. I wasn’t worthy of her time or affection and nothing I did or said changed that. She liked me like crazy for a second and then she didn’t. She convinced me it would be okay to risk some of my most important friendships to explore these romantic feelings and then as soon as I wasn’t exciting enough for her (I guess?), her attention and affection withered like a leaf.
I’m so sad about it, but aside from making me want to pull away from this amazing group of queer women that I’m so happy to have finally found, I’m sad that it makes me doubt myself. I know I’m attractive and intelligent and interesting and well as being kind, caring, a good friend, loving, supportive and all of the things that make up a decent person to be with and be around. But it still wasn’t enough for her, so that makes me inadequate.
I liked her so much and she just totally wasted my affection.
It’s funny, I switched to writing in my private journal, since nobody follows my new blogs anyway. And it’s probably for the best, I mean, I don’t want anybody I know to read this garbage. But then again I read random people’s journaly entries and I like it, and sometimes I glean helpful info from them. So maybe I’ll keep things up for a bit.
Things are just so stupid in my gay lovelife right now. But after re-reading the last entry, here’s a little catch up.
L, pshaw. She’s not into me. I asked if she wanted to have a sleepover last fall and she said no, but in a nice way. I told her I’d stop flirting with her because I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I’m kind of just flirty in general so there’s some level of acceptable flirting that is just part of who I am, but I don’t want to be a creep. So things were fine and I fell out of infatuation (very mild infatuation, mind you) with her. She has a lot of stupid hobbies and interests and a weird aggression problem. But we hang out sometimes and things are cool.
A bunch of us went out to a lez dance last week and we all got really drunk, and I did accidentally start hitting on her again. But just in a wistful way. Not too creepy. We ended up sleeping in the same bed that night and I tried to convince her to snuggle me because I was cold but she didn’t want to. Oh well. We stayed up talking about life and stuff until about 6am.
THEN the next day she texted me later in the afternoon, after we’d all gone out to brunch, had bloody marys, and then gone home for a nap. She admitted that she is an alcoholic and doesn’t want to be around alcohol anymore. Which I am totally supportive of. I told her I’d be happy to hang out in non boozy environments and support her sobriety any way she needed. Then we started talking about movies and moved on.
But then later in the week I could tell she’d been drinking again, as her posts on facebook were really angry ranty and she was clearly schnockered.
We texted a little this weekend and I think I irritated her with my joking about some tacky panel art she’d sent me pics of. I’m not too concerned, I think she’ll get over it. But I do worry about her. I didn’t mention anything about her drinking. Does that make me an enabler? I just feel like there’s no sense badgering her about it, she has to come around to it on her own and my pestering her or questioning her is just going to make her shut down. We’re not close enough friends for me to be critical of her that way. I’m supportive of her decision not to drink if she thinks she’s an alcoholic, but if she does drink, she is at least making safe decisions about it-- not driving or being reckless or having unprotected anonymous sex or anything really except some stupid facebook posts. At least for the time being she is still a functional alcoholic.
I like L a lot but I no longer think about her as a potential girlfriend, which I’m sure is more than fine by her. She has some shit to work on, but she’ll be a good partner to somebody, the right kind of doormatty person. Or maybe she’ll just be an angry single lesbian forever, who knows. I hope she does get and stay sober though, I think that will really help her out.
She’s still super hot though and makes all my straight friends crazy with her hot butchy ways.
