i had almost forgotten about what it felt like to put a new album out there. the crippling anxiety that came with knowing you were days away from people hearing your art and that they could either love it, and i’d get to keep doing this, or they’d hate it and sales would be so bad that my career would be over. it’s like i got hit with all the feelings from that album at once, it became so overwhelming it clouded my judgement of things that didn’t matter, or wouldn’t matter otherwise.
i’m lucky though. i’m lucky to have found a connection with someone who gets it because bert gets it. he’s been through the same, of releasing something so personal and emotional that you almost didn’t want it to be seen. our music is vastly different but as artists, we’re very alike. maybe that’s what drew us together. we understand one another so impeccably, we’ve always just gotten along so well. we’ve had a rocky road so far, since we officially met in late june, but not because we fight. when everything around us was burning, we were one anothers’ constant. it just feels good to finally have him as my boyfriend, not just my friend who i hang out with maybe too much and cuddle with at night, my boyfriend who holds me and takes me on dates to 7 eleven.
i didn’t expect to fall in love. god not at all. i think i knew it all along, though. i could feel myself falling but i guess for a long time i was scared. scared that i wasn’t feeling that for the person i’d been pursuing, scared that i was feeling any type of love again after everything i went through with ciara. scared that bert didn’t feel the same. he does, though and i can’t tell you how warm and full my heart feels when i wake up every morning to him and remember that fact.
he came out to visit me on tour, because i was struggling. they were just instores but we were playing new songs that had yet to be released. we were meeting fans for the first time in months and after people had tried to cancel me multiple times. fans who we’d tried to ban from shows for causing trouble, making up rumours and giving me major anxiety for the most of the entertainment tour last fall/winter, showed up at a couple of dates and i was civil but it was hard. i can’t tell you how uncomfortable i felt to be doing the thing i love so much. bert listened, heard me out and he fucking surprised me in new york with my dog. he talked me down, he made me remember why i love this so much, why i love him so much. not that i needed anymore convincing.
other than everything with bert, life has just been going through the motions. i haven’t had the chance to reach out to many people since we started pushing the album out but lennon has been great. she mentioned something the other day about someone trying to kill celebs? what the fuck? i’m trying to be there for her but she doesn’t want to be near anyone, right now and that’s fair. she’s scared, she doesn’t know who to trust, i get it but she’s a friend, a good friend, sure we mostly talk about 90day and dumb shit but i appreciate her a lot. i don’t want anything to happen to her at all. jules is great too, god, jules has been great. i sometimes feel like i’m the most annoying person because everytime we talk, i’m usually talking about bert. i know they wanna hear but i also know they’re going through their own shit and i’m trying to be there. it just seems like jules doesn’t want to talk about it.
