I Don't Think That I'm Okay

Sideblog for Patty Walters

[pattysnotokay]

Every time I’ve just about convinced myself to give you another chance, you prove you’re doing perfectly fine without me. Guess I was right, I always cared more about you than you did about me.

[pattysnotokay]

Thank god Cody agreed to give me some time to sort my head out, cause it’s a damn mess in here. My brain’s split in two and going to war with itself over whether I wanna give this another chance or not

[pattysnotokay]

God, how bout trying to have some fucking self-awareness. Yeah, I ended things, but that doesn’t mean I’m not heartbroken and sad as fuck. Maybe consider I don’t wanna see your mushy bullshit on the dash, thanks.

[pattysnotokay]

Wow, that hurt to do. It’s a relief though. I’ve been constantly miserable for a while now, it’s time to focus on myself and be happy now.

[pattysnotokay]

STOP 👏 DESTROYING 👏 YOUR 👏 DAMN 👏 SELF-WORTH 👏 OVER 👏 OTHER 👏 PEOPLE'S 👏 FUCKING 👏SELFIE👏NOTES👏

[pattysnotokay]

Update 13/12/19

I'm pretty sure my relationship is falling apart and I'm just sitting here reblogging shit cause I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. I just feel like shit cause Cody stays in LA with Maxx for weeks at a time, then I get 4 days where he's jetlagged to hell the whole time then he conveniently has to go back to LA. If you love him more or wanna be with him more or whatever, just fucking tell me. It'll hurt, but it'll hurt less than this constant dragged out pain of not being good enough and wondering what I'm doing wrong.

And I feel shitty cause I got two asks for that game thing and they were super sweet and I'm so grateful, but I'm still sad cause everyone else is getting flooded with asks so once again, I'm not fucking good enough. Thank god I'm seeing my therapist on Monday, I fucking need it.

So yeah, summary for December so far, it fucking sucks, I hate myself, and I can't wait to go to Minnesota next week and just throw myself in a snowdrift and never come out.

[pattysnotokay]

I hate that I’m like this. I’ve never been like this before. I think it’s cause this isn’t the kind of poly I’m used to. I’m comfortable with things being equal, with everyone being fully together and sharing everything. I don’t know how to handle sharing Cody and not being with Maxx too. I’m not even jealous, I don’t think, I just keep feeling left out, even when Cody tries to do something for both of us, that dumb part of my brain convinces me that it’s out of obligation, that I was an afterthought and he’s only doing it cause he’s trying to keep things fair. I feel so petty and pathetic and I fucking hate myself.

[pattysnotokay]

I don't know which is worse, that he didn't even wait a whole day after leaving to do this.

That he thinks explaining that he's poly makes this better, I'm fucking poly, I've never fucking cheated on anyone.

Or that I still love him so much it hurts and still wanna be with him even after he's hurt me like this.

[pattysnotokay]

Oh

[pattysnotokay]

I gotta stop getting so sad everytime I remember Cody’s still gone for Maxx, he’s gonna notice and it’s not fair on him. Yeah, I’m sad that he’s not as completely gone for me as I am for him, but that’s no-one’s fault and I’m not gonna let it show and fuck this up.

[pattysnotokay]

Ignore everything below

[pattysnotokay]

I wish I could just travel the world making everything better for everyone, but I can't, so I'll just keep making charms for my neighbors and their families and pets, and celebrating with them when good things happen

[politijohn]

People who defend the status quo of healthcare in the US are morally insane

[evilwriter37]

Kill capitalism. Especially in the medical field. This should be illegal.

[pattysnotokay]

Ignore everything below this

[pattysnotokay]

Hmm, going out of your way to exclude 90% of the group from something that should be fun and making a joke of a mental illness that’s ruined my life for the past 7 years. Can’t say I like you, I’ll be avoiding that toxic attitude at all costs, thanks.

[pattysnotokay]

Do me a favor and don't call someone else's husband 'bby' kthnxbai

[pattysnotokay]

I feel kinda.....Brushed off? by Craig. I know it's just cause I'm already anxious and it's just my brain being an asshole, but I can't help being hurt and upset about something that probably isn't even happening.