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2 years

It’s been a while, and I am contemplating deleting my tumblr, but I couldn’t let today go by without acknowledging Liam’s 2nd heavenly birthday.

I know so many of you were right there crying along side me 2 years ago. And I will forever be grateful for that.

Liam Ruben Lechuga-Huber. You will always be missed my sweet boy.

#liam ruben #tw pregnancy loss #tw infant death #tw stillborn

One year ago I woke up a different person than I am today. I woke up excited to see my little boy during our anatomy scan later that day. I figured that I had gone through enough struggle for one lifetime and that I was safe. My baby was safe. I had plans for our future. I was naïve.

“Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes and it takes”

One year ago today we found out Liam was gone. The excitement we felt and the plans we had made died along with him. A year has passed, and we have another child to shower with our love and affection. I love Jefferson. I love him so much, but he isn’t a replacement for the son we didn’t get to bring home. That dream is gone and my heart is forever cracked. It’s still intact and beats, forcing me to go on, but it won’t ever be the same. We’ve had to move on with a different life with new dreams. Which is almost the hardest part of all. Moving on feels like I’m leaving him behind. When it’s all said and done, it feels like my grief is all I have left of him.

Tomorrow is a day to celebrate. Today is my day to grieve.

#liam ruben #tw stillborn #tw pregnancy loss #tw infant death #remembering liam 2019

Remembering Liam

Liam’s birthday (December 19th) is a while away, but with impending labor in a few months and then having a newborn, I wanted to get a jump start on planning now, before I feel too overwhelmed with other things.

So....I want to do something special for his 1st birthday. I know I’ve said that it means a lot to me to know that his existence impacted someone besides just us. I think about him every day, I no longer cry every day, but he’s never far from my thoughts. We would like to celebrate him on the year anniversary of his birth by placing luminaries outside our house. In addition to that, I would like to invite literally anyone and everyone who would like to, to send me a luminary to display along with our family’s. I have this beautiful image of filling our porch with glowing white lanterns from people all over the world from people who hold his memory in a special place.

For those who don’t know what a luminary is, essentially its a white paper lunch bag that you can decorate however you want, fill the bottom with a little sand, and place a candle inside resulting in a beautiful glow. (we will be doing some of those led candles to reduce the risk of fire)

If this is something you are interested in participating in all you’ll need to do is decorate a white paper lunch bag (like 10-11in) and mail it to me. We will put the rest of them together with sand and a light. You’re welcome to send as many as you want, one from each member of your family or one to represent your entire family. Afterwards we will empty and flatten them and put them in an album. (We’d also like to invite whoever wants to also place a luminary outside your own house on the evening of his birthday)

This isn’t something where you have to do anything right this second, but if its something you are interested participating in let me know and I will send reminders when it’s closer to the time. I will not be giving out my address publicly, so unfortunately I won’t be giving my address to anyone on anon either. If you message me privately it will remain private.

#Liam Ruben #Stillborn #Pregnancy loss #Infant death

“You are rooted deep within my soul. Apart of me forever. In the deepest parts of my heart, there you are”

#tw #stillborn #pregnancy loss #infant death #liam ruben #my baby boy

Our son, Liam Ruben Lechuga-Huber, was born forever sleeping at 11:31pm on 12/19/18 gestational age 20 weeks and 3 days weighing 3.3oz and measuring 6.8 inches. He has perfect feet and hands and his daddy’s face.

Our hearts are bursting with love for our tiny baby boy but also broken and gaping with grief.

We will carry his memory with us forever.

#tw stillbirth #tw pregnancy loss #tw infant death #liam ruben #⚡️#baby number 2

The tears seems endless

I keep thinking that it feels impossible that someone could feel this much pain and not die from it. This is hard, and if it wasn’t for Kennedy I don’t know how I would be able to cope. When I feel like just curling up into a ball and staying there forever, I remind myself that I have a daughter who needs her mom.

My husband isn’t an emotional person. We’ve been together for almost a decade and I’ve seen him cry very few times. Holding Liam broke him wide open. And it was cathartic. In that moment neither of us had to be a pillar of strength. Neither of us had to hold it together or comfort the other. We just held him and wept and wept. The tears flowed freely as we talked to him and told him how much we loved him. And even now days later we’ll both almost simultaneously break into tears. This experience has bonded us even closer than we were before.

We leave for Florida tomorrow (doctor ok’d it) and I’m looking forward to being with my family. This trip no longer holds the excitement that it did before, but I don’t want to be alone.

I appreciate all the love and support you guys have given us. Nothing will ease this heartache but it’s nice knowing we have so many people that care about us. I’m sharing a picture taken by one of the nurses before we said goodbye to Liam. I’m not ready to share a picture of him and probably never will be.

#tw pregnancy loss #tw stillborn #tw infant death #liam ruben #baby number 2 #⚡️

We finally got an urn for Liam’s ashes

I’m glad I waited until I found something perfect for him. He’s sitting on the window sill of his room looking over the neighborhood with a view of the trees and mountains near us.