Baka retreat ang kailangan ko.
Nagdrama ako sa friends ko about my struggles, kung paanong parang ang baba ng chance na ma-accept dun sa gusto ko talagang pasukan (MD in pharma companies; laging may 2-3 years experience required; meron naman daw naha-hire na fresh grad, sabi sa akin ng alumna na chinika ko).
Buong med school, may some sort of insecurity ako na unlike my other batchmates na humahakot ng work experiences at pampataba ng CV, nakailang master's degree na rin sila by now, stuck ako sa isang mundane na routine. I always felt unsure if may mapapala ba ako rito, lalo na nu'ng nag-crumble ang mga paniniwala ko about this field.
Lagi nilang sinasabi, go back to your whys. My why has always been to be of service and to help, and being here felt that I'm not really making a lot of difference, and that it's not in my power to make a lot of difference. I spent a longer time dealing with patients in wards rather than outpatient consults, and the cases in that one particular hospital were often complicated.
I did enjoy the times when I was deployed to shadow consultants in clinics in malls (LOL), it was a completely different environment compared to days being in the ICU or doing rounds on the floors.
Anyway, a lot has happened at hindi ko alam kung ano talagang ginagawa ko. I've always been insecure about money kasi I feel... deprived? Unlike 'yung mga naging kaklase ko na pa-abroad-abroad with friends, or gumagastos ng 500.00 per meal... I can't... hahaha. Stuck pa rin ako sa mga panahong nangungutang ako noong college para lang sa mga pesteng pinapa-photocopy na module, manual, libro, at readings.
My life is not bad, I just don't feel empowered enough to make certain decisions. I always have this guilt and anxiety na I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough. And I have this chronic tiredness na parang what am I chasing after? Life is short.
I don't even have plans to get married or mag-anak. I just want to feel okay, contented and satisfied with what I've done.
Now I feel like I have to document everything kasi sobrang daming nangyayari at hindi ko kayang tandaan lahat.
Andaming ia-unpack na trauma, sadness, happiness, anger, guilt, at anxiety. So I just need to confront myself, kilalanin sino na ba ako ngayon, ano na ba ako, at bigyan ng kapayapaan ang mga doubt na ako lang din ang may gawa.