May 5, 2012
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Conclusion . My Trust Issues . My Reality .
I don't know how to stay faithful
I always have a potential something hanging in the balance . I'm scared that w/e I'm pursuing, may not work out . Therefore I have a " back up plan "
Sex has no emotion
You know what I mean .
I can't trust people
This brings me back to the first issue . The shit I've dealt with makes it rather difficult to . Smhhh .. how people can just blatantly lie to my face like I'm stupid BOILS MY BLOOD !
When I meet someone new I either show to much emotion to quick or not enough at all . If I like you, I don't want to loose that little bit of happiness I long for so my eagerness ruins it . Then there's the situation when, I like them, but I know I'm already talking to my " main potential " who is probably horrible for me, but I'm stupid like that .
I don't like nice girls or guys . Better yet I'm not use to being with one . Yano those people who don't owe you anything, but try to give you the world anyway . ON THEIR OWN ACCORD ! You just don't find people like that out here anymore . It scares me . I'm still from a generation that dates, gets married & then has kids . I'm sad that no ones thinks like that anymore . Or is at least working toward it .
My Bestfriend & the love of my life broke up officially on Friday . We've known each other for the past 7 yrs . Were in separable for the past 2 & were " together " since November of last yr . He had/has my whole heart & my loyalty . Even during our " friendship " time he knew who his wife was . Smhhh, I've had 3 great loves of my life & he is the most recent & by far the 2nd most painful . I don't & won't blame him or anyone else for my foolish actions during the past yr, but he's had a lot to do with my relationship issues .
Sometimes I fear I won't be able to have a stable relationship with anyone because of the things I've gone through & aren't sure how to fix or heal . I sit here lost most times saying " how dare you ?! " .. then I find peace in knowing that maybe it just wasn't meant to be . AFTER ALL THIS TIME THO ? Why not just end it before we got so deep into our emotions . Spending 7 yrs with his entire family, friends, extended, etc .. is a lot to just let go of .
Ahhhhh, basically I'm looking for love all over again . I pray I can find love like I've had in the past . Jut happier & less stressful . There use to be a time where I enjoyed being in love . Yano that feeling of warm you get when you see the person you love smile ? Ahhhh, I use to live for that . I always told him, you don't have to do anything extra . If all you did was wake up each morning & smile at me I'd love you forever ... I required nothing more .
God will bless me with a love/partner/ w.e like this I pray .
I've got so much love to give, but it scares me ..
To give so much & gain so little . Intended or not ..
SMH like Mike said " it's the falling in love .... "
Tasting your fingers after sanitizing your hands ..
smh ... stupid people shouldn't smoke weed .
Aheem . I'm to old for this shit .
Baby
LoverBoyy
BabyLovee
CJ
I'd really like to go out on a date this weekend .
Any takers ??
woke up with a headache ... i didn't even smoke that much last night .
I get paid today .
I plan to get drunk early so i can drive home later tonight .. mad I have to work tomorrow . On the flipside tho thank God for having 40 hrs a week .
I twerked it out yesterday . I pray today is another breezy day ^_^
I even got to spend some time with my crush ... I'll always love that fool it's so sad .
This is MY blog .. I can say w/e I please ... that wonderful fact just ran across my mind once again .
sigh .. my thoughts .
I really like this guy .
However I forgot something . When you first meet someone you have to keep in mind that their life is & was already in progress if you will .
I like him enough at this point that I do feel a tightness in my chest when he speaks to his other hoes . I can't even be mad tho which annoys me >_>
Fuck it tho .. I didn't stop my other project for him so why should he right ? Right .
bleeeer !
