I have lots of journals on this account, but I haven't written in them is ages. I went back and was looking through them, and though I don’t think my headaches (see: rl problems) are fully cured, they are MUCH better. Many events have happened. Here:
(1) I now have two AA’s, though both are in art; fine art and studio art.
(2) got in a MONUMENTAL fight with bf’s parents:
-his father decided that I should call undocumented citizens “illegal aliens,” and I refuse. When I told him this, he LOST his shit and demanded that I call them that. When I basically said go fuck yourself
-bf’s sister who I call “princess” jumped in and started telling us to shut up, then proceeded to tell me that I am lazy, I do nothing, and I don’t lift a finger. I basically spat back at her that it’s not my job to clean up after her.. bc that’s what she meant. She thinks that since she works, she shouldn’t have to do any chores. I clean my boyfriend and I’s place EVERY day, do our laundry and our dishes, he doesn’t have to do anything when he comes home from work bc I like doing that. SHE is a spoiled bitch. She was VERY shocked when I told her that I’m not cleaning up after her.
-at some point, bf’s father decided to tell me that I sleep around for a roof over my head. That is so absurd that I actually sporfled.. then I called him disgusting. I was really working to not say “no I only get it from your son- he’s amazing in bed and I love his dick.” What an idiot. He even said that bf is not kind anymore bc of me. No, narc, he just knows what you are now and doesn’t take your garbage anymore.
-I then went outside at which point I went to get Jack (Jack is our pupper) who was out back playing with the other dogs, I had NO problem with bf’s mother at that point (well, in this instance), and she said something like “I told you not to keep talking.” I snapped. I said “maybe YOU want to walk on eggshells around him and give in to his bs but I never will.” I don’t recall what happened after that, but she ended up calling me a bitch and telling me to go back to North Carolina. I was told, by her, that I told her I hope she dies. She was looking at having cancer.. and she IS my bf’s mother. I had JUST lost a friend to cancer. I would NEVER wish that on her. Princess said she heard it but she also says that books end differently than they did and that people say things they didn’t.
This was in May 2019. I haven’t spoken to them since. And after looking at my old journals, I remember why. In order to please them, I started taking on their stupid shit, but when I realized it, I stopped. I started sounding racist, sexist, discriminatory. I lied about my sexuality. Let’s just say I think I understand hateful people now.. they may not truly think what they say, they may have taken on other people’s bs to survive and get by without being abused. I came out of it, thank God, as did bf.. but it’s scary how you will just.. take on mindsets to avoid conflict. I am.. so sorry for all of the hate I put out there. People are right though, if someone is acting angry and hateful, it’s really something to do with their life.. not yours. I was absolutely miserable.
Oh and through all this I finally get it.. his father is a narcissist, his mother is an enabler, and his sister is a golden child/flying monkey. Her boyfriend also plays flying monkey sometimes, probably also to keep the peace. He’s the perfect enabler/flying monkey bc his own parents molded him into one. My boyfriend, of course, is the scapegoat. This really explains everything.
(3) My attitude and outlook on life isn’t perfect, but I feel a LOT better than those entries I was reading earlier.
(4) Needless to say, we plan to move. No, really. We went to Portland, OR, to see what’s up there. We liked it a lot. We’re having a hard time though bc.. living in a small town after San Diego is going to take some adjusting. But we love the rain. We may even move out of the country.
(5) Seeing those old journals, my God.. after over a year of not speaking to them and pretending they don’t exist.. I feel so much better. :)
(6) Oh and the greatest part of all, on SO MANY LEVELS, I GOT INTO SDSU. FINALLY. I spent last year there.. made a comic! Got through the first two semesters with a 3.5! I got the news RIGHT AFTER princess told me I didn’t do shit.. she couldn’t get into SDSU lol...
(7) I will be doing random Covid-19 updates.. bc this shit is scary.
(8) I am BUSTING ASS to promote my art/be self supportive.
I missed journaling.
