#lifeofacna

[annesmashley]

I work AM shifts staring the bags under my eyes a d a guest appearance of 2 Rockstars. #imnotamorningperson #lifeofacna #queer #vegan #weirdculture

[joybefore]

Life of a C.N.A.

     Bright-eyed and bushy tailed.  It is 6:30 AM.  I am off today from working at the hospital, but my body did not get the memo, so here I am, awake and writing.  It has been months since I have sat in my cushion padded chair and put my computer to work.  You may be wondering why I am normally awake so gosh-derned early.  I am a CNA at our local hospital.  In case you are unsure, a CNA is a certified nursing assistant.  and I chose the trauma floor.  I had three different floors to choose from, but sometimes I wonder if trauma chose me.  I must be insane.

When I go months without writing, anxiety seems to build and then sit in me.  When I sit down to write, it slips away.  I begin to wonder what I was ever worried about.  

Along with 3 12 hour shifts at the hospital, I am also in college.  Dreams seem so magical and fun before you step into them.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am happy I work in the hospital, dream number one, and I am glad to be going to school, currently on the track to hopefully be accepted into nursing school.  I just laugh at myself when I think about how perfectly beautiful my dream to be a nurse was.  I forgot the tiny, major detail of the hard work and wonder often how did i get into this??  I almost constantly wondering if I can do this, get lower grades than hoping lately, and feel close to metal break downs each time I receive a test back.  Some days feel manageable, other times I am a puddle of tears for a day or two.

In large, this is the hardest goal I have ever pursued.  Its the balancing of work, homework, classes, house work, car work, family & friends.  It’s the sad tug on my heart when I can’t go somewhere with family because I must study.  Its the sundays I miss at church, or the trips I can’t attend.  But then... its the patient who gets to go home, the comfort you give to families as their beloved passes, or just your presence when no one can make sense of their tragedy.  It’s the holding it all together when you are treated less than human, and the one who constantly thanks you for doing you job with care.  Some days, most days, I see strangers more than family.  (Mom, if you read this, this is why I call so much lately..)  We do have days where we have to skip breakfast and scarf down lunch that we barely tasted.  But then... on that end of shift of your long stretch... there isn’t enough gratitude in the world to express the feeling of making it.  And buying yourself some ice cream to celebrate.  

So, here’s to going after your magical dreams and pursuing the hardest thing you have ever had to do.  Here’s to giving it your all, especially when you feel like giving up and throwing in the towel.  It’s okay to try, its okay to cry.  Like my favorite red head once said,

“I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.”

-Lucille Ball-

[amithetriggerofyourgun]

When you're /patiently/ waiting for your shift to end but you're already done with all of your work.... #lifeofacna #itsfriday #canigohomenow