I have this thirst. A thirst that cannot be quenched. Not by water, by alcohol, or by the material possessions of this world that I am guilty of desiring. I am thirsty for God. I want more and more of His love, His word, His direction, His joy, His saving grace.
I have a void in my mind, soul and body that I have realized only He can fill. I realized this void, and the necessity of filling it, a little less than a year ago. Yet I still feel the the emptiness of that void each and every day.
What I want is to be full of God. I’m not sure what that I mean by that entirely but my heart tells my head that my need is real, it is achievable.
I want God to fill the void I feel inside. I want Him to change my life. I want Him to change me. I want Him to take my shinny parts (my strengths) and make them sparkle. I want Him to save me from my self-loathing. I want Him to save me from my selfish, materialistic, unkind ways. I want God to transform me into a woman that I can be proud of. I am not her currently. I don’t know how to be her either. I need my God to show me how, to blaze the trail, to show me the way.
I selfishly want God to change my life so that I am happier. I want the wounds that the sharp knife of others words and the burning brand of my own insecurities to be healed by Him. Is it selfish to want God to change my life to impact myself? I fear so. I fear that in doing so I am being the same person that I very wish to leave behind.
But there is hope for me I pray. Because while I want God to fill my void, I want so very much to be so full of God that I RADIATE Him. I want God’s love to seep from my pores. I want Him to be present in every word I speak, every moment I share with another. I want to be so full of His LOVE that others feel it.
I first saw God’s love shine through a music major at my college. She is so kind and so happy. I saw her and thought “She is a woman of God” and I was jealous. I wanted to be that beautiful ON THE INSIDE. I’ve never felt beautiful on the inside. I have been blessed with an attractive appearance, but I can tell one from experience that exterior beauty only does so much for a person. I want to be more. More than a pretty face with nice teeth and lush eyelashes.
Long story short, I know that I NEED God and I CRAVE Him as a result of my self-awareness. But where is He? Sometimes I feel so close to him. Other times, I feel a million miles away.
I need your guidance here, Lord. Do you want me to read the Bible more? Do you want me to give away all of my beautiful clothes? Do you want me to volunteer? What do I need to do to grow closer to you God? Because while the notion of turning away from my previous life, from my daily norm, is scary, I know that it is worth it. It will be so worth is. Please God, show me how. I have wanted to change for a while now, to transform, and I’m ready. I’m scared, but I am ready. I’m all in!
