How a Sexual Abuse Victim Healed by Embracing Her Submissive Nature
I don’t really know how to begin this post except to say that my girlfriend was abused when she was 12-13 years old. It was by an older cousin who's a few years older than her. It started in the pool when they were playing around wrestling. He would hold her against the wall and dry-hump her.
The first time she didn’t know what was happening, so she didn’t say or do anything – but the second time she asked him to stop. He didn’t.
The sexual abuse continued and happened many more times times whenever he would be alone with her. She feared being anywhere near him and was too scared to tell anyone what was happening.
The worst time was when she was sleeping. It was at a family vacation, and in the middle of the night he snuck into the bed she was sleeping in. He began humping the mattress while lying next to her with his hand on her stomach. She rolled her body away from him in an attempt to dissuade him. But he didn’t care. He leaned over and peered into her eyes to see if she was sleeping, and out of fear she pretended to be. He began to rub and grind his bare cock against her. She said she cried silently just waiting for it to be over. She doesn’t remember how long it went on for on this particular night, and doesn’t remember it ever ending.
The thought of this still enrages me.
Although he didn’t rape her and it could have been a lot worse, she was very traumatized by it.
She first told me of this years ago, the night before her family was having a get together that this cousin was going to be attending. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what to do. What do you do? I wanted to tell her entire family the perversion that was inflicted on her, but of course she made me promise not to say or do anything.
So I sat there, time after time, year after year, seeing my girlfriend have panic attacks whenever she had to see him. Even the thought of maybe seeing him or the possibility of having to be in contact with him would ruin her for the entire day. And that’s just how it was. Tough shit.
It’s strange thinking that the actions of some teenager can make a grown man like me feel powerless a decade and a half later, but that’s exactly how I felt when she was around him. I couldn’t do anything to help her. How do you fight something like that? It’s like she was facing this invisible demon that only she could see, and I wasn’t able to stand in front of her to protect her.
Her and I started our full-time D/s relationship in February, 2017. And since then, we have seen this abuser-cousin of hers four different times.
The first time, she had a full on panic attack. She was a mess. When we were at the get-together with him, it was the same as usual for my girlfriend. I tried my best to take her mind somewhere else with my new sense of authority with her. And it sort of helped. But not really.
The second time it was a little better. By this time I had gotten her a choker necklace that represents her submission and our bond. I told her that he is only allowed to speak to her – and she is only allowed to respond to him – while her hand is on her collar. And I don’t mean to trivialize trauma, but believe me, this simple thing helped more than I could have ever prayed for.
By the third time, her and I had gotten more experienced and developed in the dynamic (this was only last month, June 2017), and I told her exactly what to say to him and exactly where to sit. She was panicky before going to her aunt’s house to see her family, but when we arrived, she was the best I’ve ever seen her in that situation. She was her normal self for most of the day.
And the fourth time, on her birthday earlier this month (July 2017), we had to see him. It was the best day she’s ever had when dealing with him. She was stressed before people arrived (she turned on the toaster without putting bread in it, and put her cup of coffee in the fridge instead of the milk, that sort of thing; stuff she doesn’t normally do), but she was okay overall.
Now, I’m not saying that it’s been “as easy as 1-2-3″ for her. It hasn’t. Our whole experience together over nearly a decade has been building her up. And to be clear: I’m not one bit special in all of this. It’s all her. It’s about her submission, and not at all about my dominance. She makes the rules for the relationship and how she wants to be treated, and I merely facilitate it. That’s it. She’s found something that has helped her – really helped her – and I feel obligated to write about it, with her permission, of course.
Our consensual-non-consent in particular has helped her reclaim & re-define the devastating experience of her saying “no” and having the man not listen to her. It’s no longer some distant, blotched-out memory that she has to be frightened of. We’ve created new memories that represent eternal trust between two people who love each other. It’s all on her terms now.
And I don’t claim to be a psychologist or an expert on any of this stuff, but I can see first hand that the trust in our relationship has helped her in so many ways.
She has lived for a very long time with an “exterior” that I’ve spoken about once or twice here on Tumblr, and I’m going to add it here again: She’s fierce and strong and fearlessly independent. And that’s what she portrays, on the outside. I believe it's a defense mechanism. She has guarded her femininity and her beauty, afraid of what it meant to be a woman in front of a man. Maybe because of the abuse, maybe because of something else. But it’s like she’s holding something back and it’s a front and not genuinely who she is or who she wants to be.
But underneath – like when she’s in subspace – she’s this totally different girl, and that’s really the girl that I’m in love with. It might sound esoteric or maybe it’s silly, but that’s how I feel. It feels like when she’s in subspace I’m finally seeing her for who she is in complete, vulnerable, encapsulating detail.
When she’s in subspace, her eyes change, her voice changes, the way she acts changes, the way she processes information changes.
And all throughout the years that we’ve been together, I’ve had very short glimpses of her submissive side and it’s been completely addicting to me. But I didn’t know how to “keep” her there. And I didn’t want to keep here there for my benefit, but because I could see how free she was. How liberated. I probably sound a little crazy. But for years I would see glimpses of this submissive girl and I was madly in love with her, but I couldn’t keep this submissive side out. Her true self. I didn’t understand it at all. I just knew that she was in there and she would show up in our most intimate moments but she’d be gone the next.
So that’s where our D/s dynamic comes in. I feel like she’s finally able to be who she truly is, deep in her core, almost all of the time now. And I can see the difference. She’s more relaxed, she doesn’t get frustrated, or panicky, or stressed – she’s at peace and doesn’t have worries on her mind. She’s free. She’s able to let go of her problems and baggage that she’s been carrying around her entire life, and her emotional and psychological scars are healing.
She’s been made whole. And I love it.
And you know, looking back, she’s always shown me who she is underneath, but – in hindsight – it was me who didn’t really understand what she needed in order to flourish and blossom. It’s like I could see this beautiful, beautiful flower but I didn’t know how to water it and I didn’t know what it needed to grow. But now I do. And when I stop and look at the garden around me, it’s just… breathtaking.
Thanks @needylittlecunt for encouraging me to write this. I was afraid it was a little tone-deaf coming from a guy who could not possibly imagine the devastating reality of being sexually abused.
And thank you @the-pleasure-of-unpleasure for writing her post “D/s & Anxiety” because it really struck a chord with both of us, and made me believe that this could be worth expressing.
I am not a health professional of any kind, mental or physical. If you are suffering or have suffered emotional trauma, panic attacks, or you’re thinking about suicide or harming yourself, please see a professional that can give you the care you need & deserve. You are worth it.