You know I'm kinda glad it worked out this way. I mean not really...just barely glad enough that I can say it and not be lying. Its better for me to hurt than it is for him. Because I don't want him to tear himself up again or swallow pills or anything. I just want him to be alive and be happy. Because if he's happy then nothing can hurt him so badly. And the worst that'll happen if I'm hurt is a couple shitty poems and a lot of listening to sad songs because I'm stable and I care more about his feelings than I do about mine. And I don't know if that's called being selfless or being selfish and I don't think that I really care because at some point they become the exact same thing.
But I keep going back to when we first met all the way back in 1st grade. Even then he liked me and he was so adorable the way first graders are and now that I think about it, knowing what I know now, remembering what I saw then, his smile lit up the room. And it just hurts to think about how he was once such a happy little kid, who didn't have a lot of problems beyond what to trade for his pretzel sticks at snack time, and how he changed into someone so fragile and broken and perfectly flawed that it breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. He is why I didn't cut. He is why my cell went off in the middle of a show when I was queuing sounds and why, afterwards at the cast party, I was so worried I thought I was going to throw up. He is the reason I couldn't part with my phone during the whole month of November. He is the one I didn't want to let go when we last hugged and I could have let his arms stay around me forever. And now I feel like I'm bothering him, and he doesn't want to talk to me, and I'm just not sure what to do anymore. And I don't know how to talk to him and what to say and how to say it. And I don't think he'll miss me much if I'm suddenly not there anymore. Because if I was him, I wouldn't miss me. I wouldn't miss me at all. And there's a small, guilty part of me that hopes that I'm wrong, but the better part of my heart prays that I'm right because I'm not sure what else I can do. And here is where the line between being selfish and being selfless blurs in a way that I cannot describe. But if he's happy, he's alive. And if he's alive, than I can be happy. And that is enough for me. And I am content.
