#lilgucci

[imissyoulilgucciv]

I love how positive I am to others, because they don’t know I spill out everywhere when the sun goes down. I am positive when I’m empty, its not always good. Now I think optimism is a huge flaw. A flaw that watched with closed eyes, I didn’t see him go, but I see that he’s not here. 

[shellojello]

Today was a good day, the kind of good that I have now, and I went to eat with gus family, its fucking weird to be in his room, and with his family, he has a nice family, and it makes me sad for all the things we could have had and been and his mom agrees, but realistically gus wasn’t letting himself or us have any of that anyways. Things were hard, and we failed to figure them out, maybe there were no answers, and he didn’t trust a doctor, or drugs, and I don’t think was aware ,because I wasn’t even aware of psychotic depression, and these intense moments are so normal for me because of my own family, and so while I worried relentlessly about him, I didn’t quite understand what that worry was holding on to. I know I didn’t tie him up, but I don’t think that had to happen, I really don’t, I just felt like I was unprepared. maybe a month before he died I went to a therapist (free help took a couple weeks to even get in) it was about my situation and I needed some guidance, her focus wasn’t where I needed it to be because of the reason I was even given a therapist which I’m not comfortable disclosing, but she did ask if he ever mentioned suicide, or threatened his own life, which I said yes he has a couple times but he said he wont do it and I trust him, and It was a confident answer. She didn’t question it further, she didn’t seem alarmed. I doubt this would have changed anything but I wish she had pressed further and made me aware of the symptoms and asked me more about his symptoms, and weather or not I had the right answers at that time, I’m not sure, because again so blinded by my own optimism. I can say that wont happen again, and I can say I don’t want to be near anyone anymore.  

[shellojello]

I lied Last one 

I have motivation to be good for myself, good for myself includes reading but also time to breathe, which means when I’m out and about I wont be suffocating, and even better I can be present! but then I think, its too late for all of that, and it doesn’t matter now, and there is no point in doing good for yourself or anyone again because its over and you were not able to when it mattered most. 

[shellojello]

Feeling the anger today,

im going to make a seperate place for all my too much feel, so there wont be walls anymore.

Just back to the usual, just like everyone seems to believe. Just like it is for everyone. Has anyone changed, does anyone care? I feel alone, i dont feel supported. Im not close with anyone or anything anymore, i dont want to be, but i can see how it will become damaging and in a way, where I too make a permanent decision to really not be apart of this shit. This is my new normal thats what they call it. Yea im fucking great. Why even ask whats polite about waiting to talk? The only person i feel support from amd with is gus mom, but im burying myself in the i dont deserve this place, i feel like im walkin on thin ice and we are both very emotionally sensitive.

Im angry at everyones fears. Im angry when i hear the i miss yous, when they can talk, see eachother, im angry that people are worried about someomes picture and how slutty it is, or how mean or crappy someome is because they blah blah

Just fuck. Fuck What is it for. People all agree and yet there it is

[shellojello]

So sorry for these

I cant cry, but i dont feel okay.

I miss you, i try not to kick and scream but my brain automatically wants to fix this, and there is no fixing. I cant do anything. Its like ive returned to my emotionless state if early highschool, really in a fucking haze but unaware of the hell i was headed towards that i am now in. How did this happen…why did it have to happen. Im sorry i let you down. I just want to be camping with you, i want to feel your big hands and smell you and hear you laugh. Ill be disapointed when i wake up. And you will only get further and further away from my routine. I still have moments where i think i can text you, i still get fixated on the phrases we’d laugh at, it happens all day but they are not funny without you. I dont think anything will be funny anymore. I cant really imagine anything feeling good, im eating good now but still loosing weight and i just hope i die in my sleep. Everyones like michelle youre so cute, and nice and blah blah im just so fucking happy and positive, fuck fuck fuck fuxk fuck i dont know how to be any other way, i dont want to be any other way but i feel so fucked up. It will come out.g

[shellojello]

Lets say he could visit, I think he knows its not good for me as much as I want it, because I would become fixated, as if I’m not already. but I really love those moments, and they make me so sad but it feels like a fucking gift 

[shellojello]

last one for the night I promise, 

I want to talk to you so bad, I wonder if that too will never go away becuase of how you went, that wanting to share it with you, or wanting to hear you laugh, or see you look at me how you do, fantasizing that you will squeeze me one more time. It ended so abruptly, there was no time for any good bye, there will always be, like taking a deep breathe to let out a long arrangement of words, but instead you say “were you going to say something” and I say “uh no never mind” 

And you never get to know

I never get to know, I never get to say good bye. I do it every night, you are not apart of my routine and yet, I still want you to be, I still get lost in the idea that.. Well 

I guess Its time I do something, still wont be homework but now I will go reach out, by reaching in, and feel, something. 

[ebonycamilled]

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