Episode Seven: Major Tom to Ground Control
Sammy:
And thanks so much to Vernon from Vernon’s Vermin Vestibule for that thorough and intense interview.
Ben:
And those slides he brought in. I didn’t need to see that.
Sammy:
You and me both, Ben. So, changing gears here, we’re just gonna take a quick pause for the cause. We’ll be right back to take your calls, King Falls.
Ben:
Ladies and gentlemen, I am Howard Ford Beauregard III, and I implore you, dare I say demand that you turn off this radio station post haste. King Falls AM used to be a place that you could trust your ears to; wholesome, family-oriented, fair, and balanced. Now it’s ran by dirty lying filth mongerers spreading rumor and dissent throughout our peaceful community. Samuel Stevens and Benjamin Arnold should be proclaimed Public Enemy Number One. In all my years, all my family’s years in our idyllic town, I can’t recall anyone being allowed to disparage our good name so openly and freely until the fertile lands of distrust … Friends, please heed my advice, turn off this impurity. Let me save you from the mire and muck King Falls AM fills you with. Do yourself a favor. Go outside, breathe the fresh mountain air, go read a book. Perhaps an e-book, more so, the e-book King of King Falls by yours truly. Be well, compatriots!
End this transmission, Celestia!
Sammy:
You gotta be sh[bleep]ng me.
Ben:I hate that guy but ads pay the bills, Sammy.
Sammy:
We’re not gonna have bills without a show, Ben!
Ben:
You don’t think this has anything to do with him coming in the studio a few weeks back, do you?
Sammy:
Oh, of course not, whatever could have put that bee in his bonnet?
I’m just saying maybe he hated us before we kicked him out of the studio and insinuated he was Lord Vampire.
Sammy:
[sigh] Moving forward.
Ben:
Board is lit up, Sammy, let’s take some calls. You’re live on King Falls AM
Pete:
Samuel Stevens, Benjamin Arnold.
Sammy:
Oh this is gonna be good, uh, you’re live.
Pete:
You two heathens can kiss my ass and this listener goodbye. Treating Mr Beauregard like that! I will never listen to this filth again!
Go watch channel 13 then! We don’t want you to listen!
Sammy:
Ben, don’t take it personally. Obviously Beauregard is a... trusted personality in this town, and he’s gonna have some sway with people, but it’s funny we’ve not had one complaint in the two weeks since that crackpot was on the show.
Ben:
Power of media man, bringing out all these sheeple.
Sammy:
Alright, line eight, welcome to King Falls –
Pete:
Beauregard’s right, this is filth!
SAMMY
Okay, sir, what exactly is the issue with this show?
Pete:
You muckrakers! I don’t recall King Falls being so damn torn apart before you came into town, Sammy!
Sammy:
I’m just doing my job, I was hired to fill this time slot with news and information that –
Ben:
None of your damn business, Ben!
Ben:
Pete Meyers? Come on, man!
Pete:
Yeah, it is. Would you like to explain to everyone why Beauregard’s gardener is calling in?
Pete:
Don’t go working your voodoo on me, alright? I’m just stating my opinion. I’m never listening to 660 again. King of King Falls, buy the ebook!
Sammy:
Folks we’re open minded here on 660, we listen to you and talk about the things that you care about. I’m sorry if a vocal minority that we’ve offended but –
Ben:
Line four, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.
Tim:
Is this King Falls AM?
Sammy:
You’re live, sir.
[feedback]
Ben:
Whoa! Uh, the feedback! Uh turn off your radio, sir!
Sammy:
Ah, you know, I hate to do this, but that feedback is just too much. Give us a call back and –
Tim:
Don’t- don’t hang up, please, don’t hang up!
Sammy:
Who is this?
Tim:
It’s Tim- Tim Jensen?
Ben:
Tim can you hear us? You’re on with Sammy and Ben. Are you okay?
Tim:
I’m alive. Please tell my wife that I –
Ben:
You’re breaking up, Tim. Uh where, where are you? We’ll come to get you right now –
Tim:
I’m okay, please don’t stop –
Sammy:
They’re- they’re doing so many operations on me. Please help me.
Sammy:
Tell us where you are, Tim. We’ll send help immediately.
Ben:
TIM!
Tim:
I love my wife, Mary. I miss my kids… King Falls, please help me!
[static]
Sammy:
Tim! Tim, can you hear us?
[dial tone]
Ben:
He’s gone. Deputy Troy, you’re live.
Troy:
I heard him, fellas. Without a shadow of a doubt, that was Tim.
Sammy:
You know I don’t know what to make of it, Troy, is there anything you can do?
Troy:
Ben texted me all the info he had on the call but. It ain’t making any sense. Has he called since you know, the uh, the disappearance?
Sammy:
Not to us. I- you know I just couldn’t make out a lot of what he was saying.
Ben:
Lot of interference from something, or… someone.
Sammy:
He said Mary, right?
Ben:
You think we should?
Sammy:
Oh God, no. God. We wouldn’t wanna put that poor lady on the spot with something like this. I mean she’s been through so much already – I mean, that could have been anyone, right?
Ben:
That was Tim, Sammy.
Troy:
I wish there were something more we could do, boys, but I don’t even know where to start. I was just listening to the show in Rose’s Diner and… I couldn’t believe it. Dollars to donuts that dispatch is gonna be lighting up tonight, boys. I’m gonna go finish my French cruller and make the rounds. I’ll catch you later, boys.
[dial tone]
Sammy:
Line one, you’re on King Falls AM.
Cynthia:
You got us, ma'am.
Cynthia:
Was that just Tim Jensen on the air?
Ben:
We… we believe it was. We- we don’t wanna cause an uproar here
But we have every reason to believe so. Uh do, do you have any information about Tim?
Cynthia:
I do not. I was calling to voice my concerns about him coming back from God knows where.
Ben:
Is this Cynthia Higgenbaum?
Cynthia:
It’s Mrs. Higgenbaum to you, Ben, and thanks for broadcasting my info all over the tri-state.
Sammy:
Cynthia, you say you have some concerns about Tim being found? Why?
Cynthia:
Concerns would be putting it mildly.
Sammy:
Okay he’s a missing man, Cynthia. He’s been officially gone without a trace for over three months!
Cynthia:
Oh don’t give me that official line of horse hockey! We all know good and well he got picked up by the lights off 72.
Sammy:
With all due respect –
Ben:
He was abducted, Sammy. You know it, I know it, Cynthia knows it. The X Files, this ain’t. They got him.
Sammy:
Okay, let’s just hold it together folks
Ben:
But for goodness sake, Cynthia, why in the world would you have an issue if we finally found him?
Sammy:
You know, I’m just happy to hear that he’s alive. We all should be.
Cynthia:
Yeah, yeah he’s alive, hooray and such. But I’m gonna level with you boys.
Sammy:
I don’t want Tim coming back into this community after gallivanting around the galaxy for three damn months with aliens or what-have-you. Who knows what kind of diseases he’s bringing back?
Sammy:
Oh stop it!
Cynthia:
Martian measles, Pluto pox, who can say? I don’t want my kids around that. Does Obamacare even cover Jupiter jaundice? Doubtful!
Ben:
Cynthia, I think bringing Tim home safe and sound is of the utmost importance.
Cynthia:
You gonna pay my doctor bills? I didn’t think so.
Sammy:
Cynthia, we are talking about a man.
Cynthia:
We are talking about some weird sh[bleep]t Tim is bringing back, by golly. I know Tim. I worked with Tim for a few years, and he’s a nice enough guy. But he’s not nice enough to let his Ground Control to Major Tom ass quarantine my babies at Area 51. Priorities!
Ben:
Sammy, Mary Jensen is on line five.
Sammy:
I’m sorry, Cynthia, we have to take this.
Cynthia:
Oh, good. I’m gonna go check my shelter and inventory my air filters. I suggest doing the same.
[Dial tone]
Ben:
Mary Jensen.
Sammy:
Hi Mary, this is Sammy and Ben at King Falls AM.
Mary:
Hi Sammy. Hi Ben.
Ben:
Mary have you… have you been listening to the broadcast tonight?
Mary:
I was. That’s why I called. Since Tim’s been gone I-I don’t know which way is up. My sleep has been turned around, the kids…
Ben:
I’m sorry, Mary.
Mary:
I wanna thank you two, Sammy and Ben, for all you’ve done during this ordeal.
Sammy:
We don’t have to get into that.
Mary:
No I think we do. I know that there are people that think that you two shouldn’t be on the air, but since Tim has been gone, you guys at the station have checked on my and the kids at least once a week. You’ve made donations. Ben even took the kids to the library last week so I could have time to myself!
Sammy:
You’re a sweetheart, Ben, and to the library no less!
Ben:
Don’t.
Mary:
I know you want Tim back in my arms almost as much as I do.
Sammy:
Mary, I wish we had more to tell you but you heard exactly what we did.
Mary:
I just thank God, whomever is up there, that he’s still alive. He sounded okay right? Didn’t he sound okay?
Sammy:
He didn’t sound hurt.
Ben:
We appreciate the kind words, but that can’t be what you called for.
Mary:
It wasn’t the only reason but um, make no mistake about this: The Jensens stand with you two no matter what.
Sammy:
Thank you, Mary. I mean it’s obvious that Tim has reached out to us for a reason. You’ve told us in the past that he absolutely loved listening to Chet’s Jazz Corner and loved King Falls AM in general. Let’s hope he’s listening to you now, Mary. What would you like Tim to know?
Mary:
[sniffle]That, um, we’re okay, Tim. Please don’t worry about us. [sniffle] And I- I know he will anyway but, we are okay. We are safe. We are home, but [sniffle] home isn’t home without you. I love you, Tim. [sniffle] I know without a doubt that one day you’ll be back with us. I can’t wait for that day, but I will wait. Please be okay. Please be safe. [sniffle]
Sammy:
Our thoughts are with you, Mary, and Tim.
Mary:
My- my little one is up. Can she say something, Sammy?
Sammy:
Please, of course, by all means.
Mary:
Come on, sweetie, Daddy’s listening.
Bella:
He called Mr. Ben and Mr. Sammy tonight.
Bella:
Daddy!
Sammy:
He’s listening right now, tell him whatever you’d like.
Bella:
I love you. Please come home, I don’t want Mommy to cry anymore.
Mary:
Thank you Sammy, Ben, King Falls.
Sammy:
If you need anything, you just let us know.
Mary:
Yeah, of course. Sorry, bye.
Sammy:
Tim, if you’re listening, godspeed.
Ben:
Sorry to interrupt, Sammy, line twelve.
Sammy:
Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.
Riley:
Please hold the line for Mayor Grisham.
Sammy:
Hey, I wanna talk to you! I have got a bone to pick with you! Hello?
Riley:
Mayor, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.
Boys, boys, come on. Are we live?
Sammy:
Mayor Grisham, you have five seconds before this call self destructs.
Grisham:
It’s my understanding that Tim Jensen just reached out to you guys.
Ben:
Five, four, three, two
Grisham:
I come in peace, guys. I’m sure you two will get everything you can regarding the call to Sheriff Gundersen’s office. I just want to say thank you for being there for Tim still in his time of need.
Sammy:
You have my curiosity, Mayor.
Ben:
Sammy, my horsesh[bleep]t radar’s off the charts right now. It’s, it’s hitting Seabiscuit levels.
Sammy:
Did you just bleep yourself?
Ben:
Yeah, I mean, come on, man. You want fines on top of trouble, too?
Grisham:
I’ll be as friendly as a penpal, gents. I just wanted to speak to King Falls. That is, if you two will allow me.
Ben:
Horsesh[bleep]t radar is still solidly at circus pony. I- I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Sammy:
You know, you’re ridiculous. And generally I would agree, Ben, but this is for Tim. The floor is reluctantly all yours, Mayor.
Grisham:
[clears throat]
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen of King Falls and everyone listening to this broadcast, I just want to let you know we are doing all we can to bring Tim back home, safe and sound. We are working day and night to make sure his lovely daughter and his wife get to hug their father and husband again. I want to reiterate that if you have any information about Tim, his disappearance, or subsequently his call tonight for help, please do not take matters into your own hands. Please call the hotline set up at–
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