KFAM stills and sheets cont.
The design for HFB I very much tried to stay on brand for the era he was ripped from like some sort of recluse vampire.
Then there’s Mary Jensen as the tired eyed house wife holding her whole life together with every ounce of her being and a wooden spoon.
I know John dies in the end but he very much was immortal, coincidentally he’s also the one that’s the most redeemable. But that isn’t that impressive compared with Jonah and hfb3.
King Falls AM - Episode Twelve: All the Pretty Flowers
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Summary: October 15, 2015 - Against Ben's wishes, Sammy broaches a touchy subject after witnessing a hearse delivering white roses on his way into the station. Is it a King Falls Halloween tradition or could it be something more sinister? #RedRumRoses
[podcast intro music]
[jazz music]
Chet
Well the clock on the wall is telling me that’s all, y’all. So I’m gonna mosey on down to The Red Rock bar and buy all the ladies a drink on me. But don’t try to fool me again, Dennis. This has been Chet Sebastian’s Jazz Corner. Until next time… keep it cool King Falls.
[Sammy & Ben Show intro music]
Ben
Good evening, you’re listening to King Falls AM [door closing]– that’s 660 on the radio dial. [slightly irked] And this is the Sammy and Ben show— sans-Sammy at the moment.
[footsteps]
Sammy
Sorry about that, Ben! everybody at home. I was just running a little late. I was j- Y-you know, I just saw the weirdest thing!
Ben
Was it Chet leaving? I told him to take that fur coat off. Guy looks like he walked off a set of a Blaxploitation[1] film.
Sammy
*laughs* No, I wish I’d seen that. But I was driving in tonight- I was running a tad bit late, as you can see, and I swear to you: I’m coming up Main Street, I got behind a hearse delivering these giant white rose bouquets! Like, every couple of streets the damn thing’s stoppin’!
Ben
No.
Sammy
No *laughs* yeah it did.
Ben
… SOOOOO… Weee’ve got a great show for you folks tonight. Uh, Ernie Salcedo…
Sammy
Ben.
Ben
*pointedly clearing his throat* … Yes?
Sammy
Okay, I can see you slashing at your neck furiously and shaking your head “no”, but the audience can’t. Sooo, what’s the issue here?
Ben
*nervously* I’m sorry we… just don’t talk about this, Sammy.
Sammy
So you know of it! Is it like some kind of weird Halloween thing?
Ben
[flatly] Halloween? Are you serious? We don’t celebrate Halloween here in the Falls, Sammy.
Sammy
WHAT? This is like friggin’ Halloween Town! You know those shops that open up every year around Halloween and close the day after? King Falls is where all those shops should move to when it’s not Halloween.
Ben
Two things. 1) That’s a horrible business model, and 2) Halloween is one, big, diabetic pumpkin.
Sammy
Come on? You don’t like decorating? Trick-or-treating?
Ben
ALL OF IT. It’s like you’re— tempting these ghouls and goblins to come and mess with you. We get enough of that here. And again, diabetes.
Sammy
Okay, I can see where you’re coming from, but I’m not gonna lie— this is kind of a surprise.
Ben
What can I say? We’re more the Christmas or Arbor Day types.
Sammy
Okay, so the hearse is delivering flowers. What’s the deal if it’s not a Halloween… ritual?
Ben
Did you really see that? Did someone tell you to mess with me about this?
Sammy
Scout’s Honor. I was late because of it! I illegally passed on a double yellow line (sorry Deputy Troy) just to skate around ‘em and make my way up the mountain.
Ben
… I don’t like this. I-I don’t know that I’ve ever known anyone that saw the flowers delivered. Usually businesses and people just find the wreaths the next morning. D-Di-Did you see inside the hearse? Was it… people?
Sammy
You know, I didn’t look, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say… it was a human being.
Ben
Well, that’s good. *breath* It’s something.
Sammy
Okay, so the roses…
Ben
[voice breaking] Damnit, Sammy! We got a show scheduled, ya know?
Sammy
I’m well aware! Just fill me in about the roses and we’ll move on.
Ben
[muttering] Yeah yeah, okay, so… *deep breath* Every year, around this time—
Sammy
Halloween…
Ben
OCTOBER.
Sammy
Uh-huh…
Ben
Every— October… there is a certain society of people— and I use the term “people” loosely— that congregate and deliver the rose wreaths to individuals and businesses. That’s— a fact.
Sammy
And?
Ben
Annnd… nobody really knows what happens after that.
Sammy
[audible grin] But legend has it…!
Ben
Don’t “legend-has-it” me! Nobody knows for sure! Why gossip?
Sammy
Okay. What do you think happens, Ben?
Ben
*breathes in* Uuuugghhhh… Well, I think people either accept this weird— invitation or… they don’t. But I can tell you, the people that don’t? Well… they don’t, last long after that.
Sammy
Okay. So we’ve just went from spooky 1-800-Flowers to murder in only a few easy steps.
Ben
Not- murder- per say, but… businesses that decline tend to… move away or go under. Or tragedy strikes. Sure, I-I’ve heard stories of these folks winding up on the wrong end of a funeral ceremony, but… I couldn’t prove it. Are you satisfied now?
Sammy
Of course. Thank you, Ben. King Falls, you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours!
Ben
DON’T open the phone lines!
Sammy
We’re-opening-up the phone lines here at the station! 424-279-3858. Have you had contact with this demonic annual floral delivery? Hit us up!
Ben
Don’t call or tweet us. Please.
Sammy
Give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM, [smugly] Ben will personally answer every tweet #RedrumRoses[2]
Ben
NOPE! Not gonna happen.
Sammy
Ben…[faux sympathy] It looks like the phone lines are lighting up, buddy.
Ben
I expected better of you, King Falls.
Sammy
Lucky Line 1, you’re on the air with Sammy And Ben.
Pete
Low-down, gossip-mongering, muckraking filth.
Ben
[flatly] Pete?
Sammy
[quiet and amused] Escobar?
Pete
N-uh- it’s Pete. You know damn well I’m listenin’.
Ben
Wwhat’s on your mind tonight, Pete?
Sammy
Did your mom teach you to start off phone calls with name-calling, Pete?
Pete
[faint creaking in bg] My mom taught me to… stand up for myself! Don’t start a fight, but don’t be afraid to end it.
Sammy
Who’s fighting?
Pete
Oh, what a short attention span you have, Sammy. Not dwelling on you and Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard III issues; you’re picking a fight with the Unknown! Ben told you to shut your trap. [very faint sounds of driving]
Sammy
Heh, lemme tell you, this would a long four hours if we didn’t talk and, y’ know, sometimes you have to—
Pete
Yeah yeah, I get it, Mr. Nincompoop Radio Host. [creaking] You gotta blab. But that’s something you don’t trifle with. You should know this.
Ben
Sammy, you know I hate to say Pete is right about anything, but—
Pete
But I’m right about this! I know you know, Ben. That’s all I need to know. Stop yapping about things you don’t understand.
Ben
Thanks, Pete.
Sammy
[mostly resigned] Did you have a question or an experience with the flowers, Pete?
Pete
Abs-absolutely not! I– d-don’t try to get me in trouble. [car door closing]
Ben
You okay over there, Pete?
Pete
[failing at being nonchalant] Yeah I’m just out, and… uh, just out.
Sammy
[incredulous] This time of night?
[car door slamming]
Pete
Yeah! I’m- runnin’ errands and- stuff like that, y’know. ‘T’s- It’s not- it’s not your business!
Ben
[literally tongue-in-cheek] Uh-huh…
Pete
You’re makin’ something of this. Yer- you’re doin’ somethin’, you’re getting me invo— Stop.
Ben
It’s just weird, Mr. Beauregard’s gardener is out at 2 in the morning, running errands.
Sammy
So your boss doesn’t have anything to do with the roses, does he, Pete?
Pete
Ben Arnold. If you’ve got a lick of good sense, I wouldn’t walk too close to Sammy for the next feww… mm— mmmm… lifetimes! He’s gonna wind up on the bottom end of an anvil.
Sammy
You know, I just don’t think asking questions is the equivalent of buying ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird.[3]
Ben
[semi-stern] Y’mind answering his question, Pete?
[creaking]
Pete
Oh, HELL NO. You two are a couple ‘a horse patoots. I’m never listening to this show again.
Ben
Until tomorrow.
Pete
PETE OUT! [click, dial tone]
Ben
Are you happy, Sammy? Is this what you were hoping for?
Sammy
Civilized conversation is the only thing I look for. That said… I’m gonna say, it’s a tad bit suspicious.
Ben
There are dots we don’t need to connect. MOVING ON!
Sammy
Maybe you’re right.
Ben
Folks, we’re gonna take a break to pay some bills, and we’ll be right back and on schedule.
[rattle, guitar strums]
Dale (presumably)
[voice is a low murmur (for lack of a better word)] Dale’s Dollar Tree… [strum] at dirt cheap prices… [strum] it’s almost free. [guitar,western music] Hi, everybody, I’m super excited to tell you ‘bout some unbelievable deals we have right now… at Dale’s Dollar Tree. Let’s segue to the savin’s [eagle screech] Our low prices are guaranteed… Who’s guaranteeing it, you ask? … Me… [guitar stops] How do you take advantage of these savings? [strum, rattle] 1) Walk into Dale’s Dollar Tree [strum] 2) Throw somethin’ in your cart [strum] 3) Savings. [guitar] Dale’s Dollar Tree. [eagle screech]
[S&B theme]
Sammy
Ladies and gentlemen, we are back and you’re listening to King Falls AM. Now we were just talking about me running late this morning, because of a, uh, hearse—
Ben
[cutting Sammy off] So we’ve got a great show scheduled tonight. We’ve got Mr. Eli Goldblum on later in the hour.
Sammy
And who is Mr. Goldblum?
Ben
Are you kidding me? Only the most renowned post-mortal psychologist known to man! He’s on his spoken-word world tour, and this Thursday, you can see him live at the King Falls Convention Center.
Sammy
… That’sss-something.
Ben
Indeed! So that’s in about… forrrty minutes. Uh, we got Rose, (from Rose’s Diner, of course) calling in to talk about how the Bee Crisis is affecting her honey-baked ham specials for the- foreseeable future.
Ben
Come on, Sammy. This bee situation is serious business.
Sammy
You get points for not buzzing or saying “beeees-ness”
Ben
You don’t wanna know how hard that was…
Sammy
-eh- Okay. So, how can we help with the bees?
Ben
Uhhh… cut- back- on swatting them?? *awkward laugh* I-I-I don’t know for sure that’s-that’s why we’re talkin’ to Rose.
Sammy
Gotcha!
Ben
And our first topic of discussion this evening— was gonna be—
Sammy
About the flowers.
Ben
Don’t.
Sammy
Okay, look. Can we open up the phone lines again? I’d like to talk about these flowers. Uh, you tell King Falls your topic, and then we’ll see what they wanna talk about.
Ben
You know they’ll talk about the damn rose wreaths!
Sammy
You heard it here, folks. Line 7, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.
Herschel
Ugh, I can’t sleep with all this damn racket going on! You two DINGLEBERRIES keep it down!
Sammy
*laugh* Herschel??
Herschel
Oh, hell. Don’t make me get out of bed and give you a full blast so late at night! [muttered] Don’t even know where my slippers are…
Ben
Mr… Baumgartner, you realize you called us, right? This is- the radio station.
Herschel
I know who and what I called. I dialed you DICKWHISTLES because all this [mocking] cry-babying about the damn flowers. Turn that jazz fella back on so- so I can get some rest!
Sammy
Chet is on from 10 to 2, Mr. Baumgartner. This is Sammy and Ben and we- talk about—
Herschel
I don’t give a damn if it’s Tricky Dick Nixon calling to give me a Congressional Medal of Honor! You shut your nose holes about the damn funeral flowers. And play me some heroin-fueled American art! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
We’re gonna count that as one for the flowers…
Ben
Line 14, you’re live on the air.
Creeper
Long time listener here!
Sammy
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Did you hang up, Sammy?
Sammy
Yeeaah, sorry. I hate that guy.
Ben
Line 3,*chuckles* this is King Falls AM.
Beauregard
Good evening, Benjamin. Samuel. This is—
Ben
Beauretard?![sic]
Beauregard
*sigh* Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. My man told me that you were spreading more lies than usual on your little “radio show.” I thought I would call and clear the air.
Sammy
Mr. Beauregard, can I just say, before this call goes ANY further— that we will not accept any abuse towards us or the listeners of this show.
Beauregard
How cute that you think people listen to you two buffoons.
Ben
That’s abuse! That’s exactly what we were—
Beauregard
Oh, that’s a joke where I come from. You millennials would never have lasted back in my day. With your emotions and feelings and the like.
Ben
When was that day, again, Mr. Beauregard?
Beauregard
Information about myself and my family, can be found in my international, best-selling e-book, “King of King Falls” … I don’t have to answer to— well— you.
Sammy
*sigh* Did you have a reason for the call tonight, Beauregard?
Beauregard
Indeed, I do. While men with any couth wouldn’t speak about festivities that they know nothing aboouut—
Sammy
So, you’re behind these deliveries?
Ben
Also, while I would never name names and throw my friend under a bus— you should know this wasn’t the agreed upon topic of the show.
Sammy
Oh, stop it.
Beauregard
[agonizingly insincere] I don’t know a thing about the supposed yearly white rose deliveries you speak of. My family, nor myself, have ever been involved with such jovality.[sic] In fact, in all my years I can’t recollect such a thing.
Ben
I don’t buy that for a second. Maybe you’ve never sent the roses, and— let’s play devil’s advocate and say, sure, you’ve never received them (which I doubt), but there is No Way you haven’t heard of this.
Beauregard
Maybe it’s something you commoners have made up, like, uhh- the tooth fairy or the Illuminati orrr— equal rights for the sexes.
Ben
I can’t deal with this guy! Just dump him and let’s take another line.
Sammy
Wait… Mr. Beauregard. If you don’t care about this— and, in fact, haven’t even heard of it until tonight— why would you bother to break your Hate-Silence with us to call in?
Beauregard
You’re not nearly as dumb as you look, Stevens! And while I continue to honor my statement before— I’d have to assume that this “rose” ordeal is a real thing. It’s probably a very special thing! An intimate invitation sent by the upper echelons of King Falls. A way of making amends or bring people worthy of attention, into a conversation that normally would not have been invited to have.
Ben
Just for everyone keeping score at home: I took a college course on Crazy and I believe he is saying he knows that the wreath deliveries are real, and he is probably behind them.
Beauregard
Time is money, gentleman. Not that you understand that concept. But instead of painting a ceremony you know nothing about as tragic and scary— perhaps it’s not. Perhaps it’s something more than that, entirely. In any case, it’s not something that should be spoken about in public. [phone pings] Ahhh… I’ll be going now, “gentlemen.” And while I do use that word lightly, perhaps take a break from your radio program and… check your door.
Sammy
I wonder what he sounds like when he has something nice to say to people.
Ben
He probably hasn’t said anything nice to a person since the 60s… The 1860s.
Sammy
Ya know, I didn’t mean to ruffle anyone’s feathers tonight. Especially crazy old billionaires who try to drive us off the air— so let’s just—
Ben
I’M GONNA GO CHECK THE DOOR.
Sammy
What?!
Ben
Yeah. [chair sliding out] I’m sorry, man. Beauregard gives me the willies [squeak] and I wanna make sure there isn’t—
Sammy
A sugar-glider on a noose?
Ben
Too far. I was just gonna say— that he hasn’t had Pete ding-dong-ditch us- or something.
Sammy
And here I thought the Williams boys had that market cornered.
Ben
I’ll be back in a sec. [footsteps rushing off]
Sammy
[shouting after him] Don’t talk about Pete that way, Ben! He’s never gonna listen to the show again! Alright, folks. We are just a few hot minutes away from Eli Goldblum coming into the studio to talk about, [ominous bg music starts] uh… I’m guessing- ghosts with lingering mental issues? Ah, sorry— apparitions. [footsteps rushing back] I’m holding out hope for an apparition with multiple personality disorder, but I don’t know if that’s a thing or not… [chair squeak, Ben sitting] Ben? You okay, buddy?
Ben
[upset] How many times, did I ask you to stop talking about the stupid, hearse, Sammy?
Sammy
What’s wrong?
Ben
[sarcastic] Oh, nothing. You wanna go outside and take a look?
Sammy
You know, I don’t think I want to. I’m happy with you filling me in.
Ben
Well, I didn’t go outside, Sammy! I didn’t have to. I looked out the front window.
[ominous bg music getting louder]
Sammy
Yeah? And?
Ben
[hissed] damnit
Sammy
… Ben. What is going on? Do we need to call Troy?
Ben
The whole parking lot- your car, MY car— as far as the lights will let me see— Nothing but white roses, man.
Sammy
… Are you serious?
Ben
Go look!! Just don’t go out there, huh? It looked like it was snowing, that’s how many of those damn things are out there.
Sammy
[scrambling for optimism] What’s the chances that it’s just a non-Halloween bouquet from Emily to you?
Ben
ZERO. Zero percent chance, Sammy.
Sammy
[seriously] Folks, we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Blaxploitation - Blaxploitation or blacksploitation is an ethnic subgenre of the exploitation film that emerged in the United States during the early 1970s. The films, while popular, suffered backlash for disproportionate numbers of stereotypical film characters showing bad or questionable motives, including roles as criminals.
[2] #RedrumRoses - Redrum is from the psychological horror film The Shining. It’s “murder” spelled backward.
[3] “ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird” - I sincerely hope no one will ever be too young for this reference, but I once had my little brothers ask who Mr. Rogers was so: this is a reference to the Looney Toons cartoons, Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner. In each episode, Coyote repeatedly attempts to catch and eat the Road Runner, a fast-running ground bird, but is never successful. In order to catch the Road Runner, Coyote uses absurdly complex contraptions- most acquired from the mail-order company ACME- to try to catch his prey, which all backfire comically with Coyote often getting injured in slapstick fashion.
