#liocha

[inebubble]

got a visit from my ghost dog last night. he brought two friends with him that i hadn't met before. he seemed happy

[inebubble]

.

I met the sweetest borzoi youngster yesterday and his owner allowed me to say hi. He was VERY friendly and when he realized I knew where the best scratching spots were he all but jumped into my arms for cuddles then kissed my face with his long nose. He was so different from Liocha, but it was so good to hold a borzoi again, to feel him move in my space like Liocha did. At first I was all joy and after we said goodbye it hit me full force in the chest that I actually had felt again something I was so sure I’d lost forever - the feeling of his coat between my fingers, the shape of his body against mine. I broke down in tears and I still haven’t completely recovered.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. Weirdly, I feel a huge relief that this sensation (the silky silky borzoi hair) is something that I can experience again. For some reason, I thought it was lost forever and that I’d never feel it again. But that’s not true. I could meet another, and interact with them again, and this perspective feels as much like a dream as the first time I decided I wanted a borzoi. On the other hand, it’s hard to let go of the guilt associated with wanting another dog, especially another borzoi. It feels like a betrayal.

I think I’m ready for another dog, but I know I don’t want a borzoi right now. One because I haven’t let go of that guilt, two because logistically it’s not possible for me. I hope one day I’ll overcome both and be able to let another of these magical beings into my life.

God almighty I miss him though. Most of the time I feel better, and then sometimes it’s like my chest rips in two at the thought of never seeing him again. He single-handedly rekindled my hope that life after death is real and that I’ll hold him again someday.

[inebubble]

More than two years later, I have finally found a place -and the strength- to lay my boy to rest. His ashes will now provide for a young oak tree, in a beautiful place with loads of space for his spirit to run.

I love you so much, my beautiful dream come true.

[inebubble]

Trying to buy a toy for a dog friend and realizing I suck at picking dog toys without my boy to help me

[inebubble]

I dreamed of him again last night. He was small, and we met with his brother through the fence of his yard. For a second, I thought of calling his owners so that we could arrange a playdate like we did when they were pups. And then I had this thought “well, I can’t do that, he’s only here in dreams now. I would call them and then show up with no dog, it would be weird.” So we kept walking for a little bit, me and my ghost pup.

[inebubble]

Missing my boy tonight

[inebubble]

I miss him so bad.

[inebubble]

Today your absence ripped through my chest so hard it woke me up.

More than a year later and my body still doesn’t comprehend why we can’t interact with you anymore

My mind knows, and it’s still so deeply sad, and revolted. We thought we weren’t angry, but it turns out, we were just angry at something we hadn’t thought of.

Weirdly enough, l was not mad at losing you. It was part of the job, part of the contract, right? You could die at any time, and I knew it. That’s what we get for bonding with shorter lifespans.

Weirdly enough, what I am mad at, is that I’m not getting you back. I still cannot believe that. I don’t even want to believe it.

I am it perpetual wait of the day I’ll pick you up at a friend’s house, and you’ll greet me with a grin, and the little ritual you’ve always insisted on doing, even after you grew way too big for it.

God, I miss you. I miss you so bad I get nauseous. I miss you so bad I can’t feel my hands. I miss you so bad, I can feel the silk of your fur brushing against my face, even though my arms are closed onto nothing.

Fuck this. Come back to me. I promise I’ll stay with you much more, I promise we’ll go explore big and small paths, I promise I’ll let you run wherever and whenever. I promise I’ll wake up earlier, just to go walk with you. I promise I’ll take you with me and never leave you behind ever again. I promise I’ll leave you the best spot on the bed, I promise I won’t get mad when you steal yet another bit of prized food. I promise I’ll brush you only when you like it, I promise I’ll clean the mud off your paws without groaning. I promise we won’t walk in crowds again, I promise I’ll bite anyone who touches you without warning.

I’m so sorry.