I feel, from the bottom of my heart, that we all transition smoothely through this Lion-Gate Portal into awareness, enhancement and revealings that are necessary in order to re-navigate the course our life may have taken. A course, that does not necessarily serve us good anymore; more like energetic 'trash' (as I call it) that we are carrying with us who knows for how long. I've come to a breaking point in my relationship. I've been writing about it not only once on my blog. Ofc it is a very personal topic to me and tumblr stays the only platform where I feel called and open to write and to reflect about it in-depth. The whole month of July has been (ofc there were exeptions, but comparatively rare) a pure revealing month. I think I cried (Cancer energies, huh?) more in July that I did for the whole year (not even kidding). I always read and heard that crying is good. Healthy. It is important for letting go and to recieve , to restore. I felt more and more isolated in my relationship. Left out. Ignored. Downgraded. My partner did not feel like my partner, but more and more like a stranger to me. Ofc these feelings haven't started yesterday. Or in July. Or a month ago, Sadly, I have been 'storing' them within (And he did, as well) , always moving on and pretending that it will all balance out. NO IT WILL NOT. It requires active regulation and re-navigation of my life. Life has literally thrown the truth at me, over and over again. The signals were quite clear almost 2 (!) years ago, and still I kept ignoring them and pretended that everything is alright as long as we love each other, as long as I keep giving love. WRONG. You CAN give too much love. Not talking about stopping to give love anymore because people have hurt you. I am talking about giving too much love to very hurt people. Hurt not certainly because of oneself, but because they have been living too much in their past (e.g.) and still havent actively worked with their trauma, consequently projecting it on everybody the meet and every (intimate) relationship they have. No, I am not excluding myself. Not even for a moment. In the end, It is me realizing that I , myself have still a lot of unhealed traumas to deal with that I kept pushing away, running away from them, pretending that they are not here. And what happened? It caused only more trauma. More pain. More hurt. Feeling all of this, not only recognizing but internalizing it right now, hurts more than any words will be ever able to tell. But at the same time I feel that the hurt is necessary now in order to wake up. I gave too much of me to a very hurt human being who has only been able to give the amount of love he could. And it is not my fault. This is not about fault anymore. The concept of fault is ego-driven. I am taking about regret. I talk about feeling sorry for myself not because I want attention but because i seriously feel hurt and not understood at all. ''It's going to be okay'' I keep telling myself over and over again, while standing up, doing my shit, keep on living life. Working. Studying. moving. Also resting. The past weeks have told me clearer than they ever did how imoprtant it is to let the one you love go when it is time to do so. When you don't harmonize any more and start doubting yourself/ the other. Doubts don't come out of nowhere. There are always reasons for them . Doubting and mistrust poisons a relationship, kills it. And this is what I felt more and more, stronger and stronger. My intuition wouldn't fool me tho. It never did. It was myself who thought I'd could fool myself. So here is the reminder: Giving unconditional love is not the same as giving all of your heart to someone who is deeply hurt. They rather need a therapist than a partner, as they are mentally (and/ or even physically) not able to recieve this amount of love, to give it back. Someone who is not in alignment with his/herself should not start a relationship. Because in the end , they may have even less strength than they did before. Let go. Its is the best way you can heal . Let go and flourish.
