SEEING DAN AND PHIL IN OCTOBER I AM 29 YEARS OLD AND THE VENUE I AM SEEING THEM IN IS THE VENUE WHERE I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL IM GAY AND IM SO GLAD I DIDNT KMS BEFORE THIS DAY ARRIVED
TL;DR: After lots of thinking, I’m identifying as Genderfluid, and would like to come out, but there’s a few people I’m uncomfortable/scared of coming out to.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking for quite some time, but I think I’ve got a relatively good idea of who I am now. I’m currently identifying as Genderfluid (technically Genderflux is a more fitting term, but I’m going with Genderfluid cause it’s more familiar, Genderflux is under the Genderfluid umbrella, and the flag is prettier). Basically, I feel more intensely some days about my gender identity than other days. Sometimes I feel strongly like a she/her, others it’s they/them, and other days I don’t have a preference.
But anyway, figuring out my identity isn’t what this post is about. I’m just... kinda nervous to come out to a lot of people? I’ve told a few of my closest friends and my partner, but I’m skeptical about coming out to my family, and just outright scared about coming out to two of my closest friends.
My family isn’t really an issue I don’t think? I know they’re 100% accepting (or at least tolerant) of everything LGBT+ related, just most of my family members don’t really understand they/them pronouns and either won’t use them or fuck them up a lot or just joke about it. They don’t joke in intentionally hurtful ways, but sometimes they go a little too far and don’t really realize/care. But they do that about everything so... yeah. I don’t think coming out to my family would be bad, I just don’t think it would change anything except maybe having them start poking fun at my gender.
The two friends however... I am scared to come out to. And idk what to do about the situation. Like, these guys are some of my very closest friends, and they’re the type of people who will go out of their way inconveniencing themselves to help you when you need help. They’re LGBT+ themselves, and have always expressed their undying support for the community, including trans people, but both of them seem to get a little iffy when it comes to the nonbinary community...
Both of them are only like a couple years older than me, but they act like they’re from a whole different generation. One pulls out the whole “Oh, but they/them is plural and it confuses me” bullshit all the time, and the other one just for a while was like “I don’t understand it, so how can I support it?”
I legit talked to the second person for several hours once, trying to explain nonbinary identities, and I think I got this person to a place where they get it, but the issue is... when this person gets frustrated, they start thinking and acting irrationally and just being an asshole in general. I was only explaining all this gender stuff because they hadn’t yet met my partner, and I didn’t want this person to start grilling my partner about why they identify the way they do, because this person gets really intense and can easily set off one’s anxiety/panic response, and they come off as quite offensive at some points. And I was right to do so, cause it again, it took several HOURS of explaining to get this person to chill out. This person even, at one point, “corrected” me with my partner’s old pronouns when I mentioned them, because this person was getting frustrated and not thinking clearly. I practically never yell at my friends, but I did that day because how dare you purposefully misgender someone. Again, I think I got this person to a place of understanding at the end of the conversation, but it took way too long, and it was quite mentally traumatic for me to listen to this person misgender my partner on purpose.
Now for the other friend. As I mentioned, this person uses the “oh I’m an English major, it’s confusing and frustrating for me cause they/them is plural” bullshit a LOT, but that’s not the reason I’m scared to come out to this friend. I’m scared because I specifically remember hanging out with this person one night a few months ago, and discussing gender identity stuff. I don’t recall most of the conversation, but I recall what they brought up about people who don’t stick to one set of pronouns. Basically, this person described to me how they used to have a friend who identified as Genderfluid, and changed their pronouns depending on the day (hey look, that’s what I’ve been doing!). But instead of just being respectful and patient with their friend, this person told me that they YELLED at the person, like completely flipping out! And telling them to pick. one. Which like???? First of all, that’s SO fucking rude and disrespectful, and secondly?? This person’s being a huge hypocrite! They used to identify as bisexual! That’s the same as someone telling my friend that they had to pick boys or girls!! But yeah. I’ve seen this person get angry before, and I don’t particularly want to see it again...
But yeah. That’s why I don’t feel safe coming out to these two friends in particular. Part of me just... wants to do it anyway cause it’s like. Why would I want to keep people like that around anyway? But the other part of me is just so scared of losing some of the few friends I actually hang out with and communicate with on the regular. And they really are both sweet people in general. They’ve got their baggage, like most people do (probably more baggage than most people), but they’re really really good friends to me when they’re not having a moment. So idk what to do.
