#livejournal post

[strawberrypoundcake]

I used to hate the fact that I would get hyperfixations on silly little things but recently, as my depression is in the process of being treated so I have way less of them, I realize they were a very good thing to have.

My brain hyperfixating on that fictional movie I just watched for an hour is like its way of realizing how much dopamine I got from it and turning on the milking machine to milk that dope for all that media's worth. Without all those tasty chemicals, I can't effectively drown out the thoughts of how scary existing is.

So thank you, brain, because even though you're a little different than other brains you still tried very hard to make sure I grew up enjoying things. I even forgive you for deciding to turn on the milking machine at random and making me obsessed with weird things at times...

Remember this too, next time you feel like making fun of/shaming anyone for nerding out about stuff!

[jeunevieve]

Gratitude is:

Tacos

Making friends on the Internet

Learning how to be happy for good people when good things happen to them because Maturity, Growth, and Good People Deserve Good Things...DUH!

A friend you unfortunately don't talk to much because of hectic schedules and who offers to pay for your boba/bubble tea because he wants to (pro tip: it's boba)

Roommates that make pecan pie and cupcakes encourage me to eat all of the things

A dude that indulges in my usual radio rap tendencies and appreciates - even if he doesn't get! - my love for Drake, Rick Ross, Tyga, YG, et. al.

The fact that Target has a grocery section

[jeunevieve]

I forgot how to fail

It's been six months and still no full time job. I've been scraping by freelance gigs and a very VERY part time job and I'm just so thankful that my rent is disgustingly cheap even if I do have to share it with the most voracious bunny in all of the land (IT CHEWED THROUGH THE SPINE OF FIVE BOOKS, A FAKE LEATHER BAG BUT MY BAG NONETHELESS, A RUG RACHEL GOT ME TWO BIRTHDAYS AGO, MY MINNIE RIPERTON VINYL COVER THAT COST ME FOUR BUCKS BUT STILL, ETC. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS I GET IT. ALSO HATE THE TERM FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS).

I had three interviews lined up within a week of each other and I was flying high on the possibilities like, It's FINALLY HERE. FUCK YES. And then I found last week that I didn't get any of the jobs and so add that to the list of I-stopped-counting-how-many-rejections. Of course, I'm crying and freaking out because money and I just want a stable job like every person out there and to be comfortable and....

Right now it's hard for me to be happy for my friends' successes even though they deserve them and they worked hard for them all the same.  And I know what is posted on Facebook or Instagram is a highlight reel but, man, does it mess with your mind. I should completely do away with my Facebook. That shit is awful. Facebook bought Occulus for a billion dollars. Just put me away on a farm already! I'm done.

But then I had this moment last Friday, walking to Target to pick up the pills I get discounted because I actually have health insurance now, where I had my headphones in and it finally felt like summer, and I slowly accepted what was happening. I thought, "OMG I failed but I didn't die. I DIDN'T DIE." Yeah, OMG. That is really what I thought. I realize this sounds soooo dramatic and let's have an Oprah chai but, guys, I'm alive and I'm ok! I forgot what it feels like to make yourself vulnerable and then flop a big ole turd.

The whole moment took me back a year ago when I took improv classes and we were encouraged to fail to the top. I remember so many times coming up with weak stuff in the beginning and overanalyzing every bit even though that scene will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. Literally, I'd stay up all night replaying every scene to see what I could've done differently and then be embarrassed in private, hoping that people still want to do scenes with me or think I'm funny.

So back I go failing my way to the top. Not that I ever really left. The job looking/applying process has never stopped. But GODDAMN does it need to.

[mandatoryleisure]

BIRTHDAY WISHLIST (livejournal-related content)

1. Serenity Now (actually told my dad this when he asked) 

2. Dinner with boyfriend. 

3. Weekend in the woods. Like sleeping on fallen flower petals and waking up with dirt in my hair. 

4. Patience, so when I do move, my east coast attitude is kept in check. 

5. Poems and poetry and more people reading it instead of closing schools, snapchatting (secretly want to join in on the fun, but actually scared), scaring people off, and driving aggressively (or needlessly at all).  

6. Grants, kickstarters that people roll their eyes at, secret scholarships, assistantships, anything that can keep me sustainable and scrapy. 

7. New Orleans. Enough said. 

8. For Philadelphia to love me in my darkest hours when all it wants to do is test me. I guess I could have stayed in my room though. 

9. Game nights with wine, cheese, grapes, and bread. Even if it's for one. 

10. Kindess of strangers, because I can be a real sad sap. 

[justtracy77]

[berlinriot]

also it is weird being an unwitting spokesperson for a community

like I'm not actually a bear and I don't really care about not being a bear but when someone takes your photos and puts them on some poll like this and you're suddenly a spokesperson of beariness, albeit a spokesperson that isn't speaking since it's just an image, it is weird which isn't to say I don't like it which also isn't to say that I do like it but it's just weird. The whole thing is weird.

[dudebutt-blog]

to help out feeling stressed about moving to a new place and to gradually disperse the inconvenient amount of little toys and junk i have to take with me, i want to start correspondences with people who would be down to get packages from me containing neat stuff. you like surprises, man? i have comics, books, jewelry, clothes, toys, all kinds of shit i could do to part with, who knows what you might get! whether or not i know you irl, interested people can message me your addresses and ill start putting shit together.  if i dont know you, you can give me an idea of what youre like/ what youre into so i can hopefully pick things youll appreciate. it would for real actually be helpful to send some stuff before i move, so let me know asap!!

[fairhavens]

First post on here in months: Just wanted to say that I want this on a t-shirt (and if I have my way I will get it too.) Also since we've last spoken I have stopped drinking caffeine - and my anxiety issues have thanked me for it.