Eclipse
Pairing: Paige Bueckers and Azzi Fudd. They’re part of the same girl band.
Summary: There are days when the only thing Paige remembers with clarity is that sentence once spoken. The moment. The hour. A fragile echo that keeps piercing her through the darkness of an eternal eclipse.
And yet, all she ever wanted was to brush against Kronos with the tips of her fingers.
WC: 14k+
«That is why we say "to know by heart" : what touches the heart is etched into memory.» Voltaire (I guess)
✿
The keys jingling in the lock sound like a welcome melody. My heart pounds violently against my ribs. My warm breath disappears into the air in uneven swirls, betraying every bit of emotion running through me. My head feels like it’s on fire. And deep down, I hope, I pray, that nobody’s home.
I need to be alone tonight.
Like always, I come home late. The others say it’s because I’m a workaholic, that my perfectionism is going to ruin me someday because I lose track of time whenever I push myself too far. KK thinks I’m avoiding them.
And I, I don’t believe in anything anymore. Not even myself.
It’s 9:30 p.m. When I open the door, relief instantly washes over me when no presence disturbs the silence around the apartment. Two days ago, after coming back from the recording studio, I found Nika sitting in my living room playing PlayStation. I know GH, Glass Halo Entertainment, owns spare keys to our apartments for security reasons. But I didn’t hand over mine so people could randomly show up at my place at any hour without warning me first.
Of course, I told Nika about it, and she just laughed. I only hope she didn’t dig too much through my things.
I leave the lights off – darkness soothes me – and slip off my shoes in a silence so comforting it almost feels like being embraced by it. It presses something close to a kiss against my cheek, reassuring me as it guides me toward my bedroom. The kitchen calls out to me from the dark, but ignoring it is easy. I’m only hungry in front of cameras anyway. The rest of the time, I barely exist. Buried somewhere deep inside the shadows.
My phone rings again, but I decide not to look at it. Nika’s call earlier already got on my nerves enough.
After my shower at the dance studio and during the drive back home, she called to check on me and ask if we could see each other tomorrow.
Of course we can, I'm always available for you.
The curve of my lips deepens as the large bay window in my bedroom reveals a sleeping Manhattan, faintly fluorescent beneath its streetlights and the few neon signs my eyes can make out in the distance. Like every night, the Hudson River below terrifies me. It mocks me, calls me stupid. A naive little girl buried under the weight of childhood demons.
Exhausted, I finally let my bag fall onto the floor before peeling off my clothes with muted rustling sounds. The oversized shirt sliding down my body still isn’t big enough to make me disappear. I have no strength left. I feel unbearably heavy. I want todrown beneath my blankets, hide inside the only cocoon where I’m still myself. Where I can finally let the mask slip.
It’s the only place where I still cry now.
“Shit… my phone.”
Cursing under my breath, I quickly retrieve it from the pocket of my hoodie abandoned near the desk. I should at least check if I missed anything important.
Nicole.
1 missed call.
Bingo.
Nicole and KK are always the most worried about me. I don’t understand why. I changed, didn’t I? I distanced myself from them, met new people, just like she wanted me to.
Back then, I was transparent, ruled entirely by my emotions. I was a spoiled kid. Happy, stupid, sometimes angry. And now I’m like them: I smile, I dance, I sing, I talk. I worked so hard to smooth out my personality, to become more mature, to become the perfect fucking star. But nobody is ever satisfied with me. Or maybe I’m the one who never is.
I feel tears threatening to rise while anxiety laughs in my face and calls me a slave. Honestly, my condition isn’t all that different. I’m so tired. My movements slow down, my body feels almost numb. I think I trained too hard today.
“Only today?” I can hear KK’s voice inside my head.
That’s right, lecture me. You’re no better than me.
The thought barely forms before guilt immediately crashes into me because I love KK. But the ungratefulness of youth has just spoken.
And suddenly, I think of her.
Of Azzi.
It’s almost automatic now. The moment my thoughts plunge into that ravine… she appears. The memory of her perfect face, tinted with a forgotten joy, haunts me day after day. All I have to do is close my eyes, and the next second, my nose, my body, my mind rediscover that old warmth. A warmth haunted by fire and lightning. Burning, electrifying, obses—
For God’s sake, stop.
My body curls deeper into the bed sheets. The coolness of the fabric against my bare legs distracts me for a few seconds. Not enough to make me forget my responsibilities.
I’ll eventually have to answer Nicole. I lie down on my stomach and notice a text from my brother.
Elden — 7:58 PM
Hey, don’t forget to call mom tomorrow for her birthday.
As if forgetting would ever be my style. Irritated, I don’t bother replying. If he cared so much about annoying me, couldn’t he at least check up on me once in a while? Like other older brothers do? “Because you do that for him?” my conscience whispers with irony. I push the thought away with a frown and throw myself into my private conversation with Nicole.
Me — 9:46 PM
Hey, didn’t have time to answer, sorry. I’m going to sleep. Nothing serious?
She replies within a second. Wow.
Nicole — 9:46 PM
Nope, nothing. Can I call you?
I sigh so deeply it feels like my soul might split open and roll onto my back. My eyes can barely make out the ceiling. What am I supposed to do? Why am I getting this worked up over a simple phone call? God, you can do this, P. I turn my face toward the mattress and stare at Nicole’s words.
Then the screen suddenly changes as my phone violently starts vibrating. It’s her…
I sit up, cross-legged on the mattress, shoulders curved inward, eyes shining as they remain lost on the glowing screen. My fingers are paralyzed. I don’t know what to do.
I’m going to have to answer. I let out a breath before clearing my throat.
“Yeah, Nic? Is everything okay?” I ask immediately.
“P!” Nicole exclaims cheerfully.
She practically bursts my eardrums. I instantly lower the volume with a grimace while she continues:
“I just wanted to know if you were okay. You were still practicing when I left, and it was already late.”
“Oh. Yeah, don’t worry, I didn’t stay very long after you left.”
Liar.
“Cool. It’s been forever since we’ve seen each other. I’m having dinner with Aubrey, Azzi, and KK right now. You should come join us.”
Seriously?
“Oh, no thanks. I’m tired and already ready to sleep. But say hi to the girls for me. Goodnight…”
“Wait! You were about to hang up?” Nicole exclaims in a high-pitched voice, visibly shocked.
I instantly realize they’ve been drinking and that the person talking to me isn’t exactly sober anymore…
“Sorry, I’m just tired,” I sigh wearily. “If you want, we can call each other tomorrow.”
(Should I mention that I regret the suggestion immediately?)
“You sound so tiny…”
That’s. Maybe. Because. I’m. Tired!
While I try calming myself down, I hear strange noises on the other end of the phone, then KK’s voice getting closer.
“Give me the phone,” I hear her whisper.
I suddenly feel like the unbearable child of a couple having dinner at their friends’ place.
“Hey P, everything okay?”
“Hey KK. Yeah, I’m okay, thanks. What’s about you?”
“Great! You really don’t want to join us?”
“Mm, not really. I’m tired, already in bed, lights off…” I mumble vaguely.
KK’s bright laugh immediately rises through the speaker, and it’s almost like hearing her right there inside my bedroom.
“Alright,” she accepts without fighting it. “Nika told me you two were meeting tomorrow at the recording studio. Perfect timing, I’ll be there too! What if we eat together? Just you and me?”
Just her and me?
I think about it while silence settles between us. After all, lunch with KK isn’t the worst sacrifice in the world. Still, if she’s suggesting time alone with me, then she’s worried. KK has always preferred being in groups. She’s sunlight itself. She needs to brighten other people, and the more surrounded she is, the happier she becomes.
“Uh, okay,” I finally accept, not entirely sure what I’m agreeing to. “See you tomorrow,” I add without waiting for an answer.
And I hang up.
My body immediately falls backward onto the bed, letting silence curl itself back around me.
Like almost every night, I eventually grab my phone again, turn it back on, and choose music to fall asleep to. It’s the only thing that truly relaxes me, the only thing capable of swallowing the darkness that’s been eating away at me lately. I place the screen next to my head and make sure to wrap myself back up beneath my comforter, adjusting my head against the pillow…
My eyes feel heavy with sleep, my body slowly relaxing. But just as my mind was already beginning to drift away, a vibration makes me flinch.
“Fuck…” I whisper.
And here I was thinking I’d put my phone on airplane mode… I don’t even want to know who texted me. Except I see her name on the locked screen.
Azzi. New message.
Do I look at it? I desperately want to, because it’s her, but at the same time, I know. I know one of her messages can completely mess me up, steal my sleep for the entire night, taunt me like that fucking river. And I need rest, more than ever.
But like always, I’m weak when it comes to her. I can’t resist the temptation to read it.
Azzi — 10:22 PM
I’ll be there tomorrow with KK and you. Goodnight.
I don’t reply to her. I turn my phone off. Strangely enough, knowing I’ll see her tomorrow does nothing to me in this moment. I must be completely out of it not to react properly.
But I think about it : is there even a correct way to react with you? All of you?
Because you always have something to say about me.
I’m never enough for you.
✿
“Hey, P, please, make yourself comfortable!”
This morning, I woke up early, dragged out of my haze by the blinding sunlight. Maybe I should’ve closed the curtains in front of my huge windows last night, but waking up this early at least gave me enough time to pack my backpack with just enough stuff to spend the weekend at my parents’ place.
When my gaze meets Nika’s, I give her a cheerful smile before breaking eye contact. I hang my jacket on the coat rack, leave my bag against the wall, then quietly walk over to the leader comfortably settled on a small black couch.
“Morning, Nika. You doing okay?”
The GH, Glass Halo Entertainment building is made up of several studios, and this one is the biggest of them all. It’s divided into two sections : a work lounge equipped with a fridge and a small kitchen area, and a recording room with the sound control booth. I can make out a few people behind the glass separating the lounge from the recording area, but I don’t linger on the silhouettes I spot inside.
Nika’s answer pulls me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m happy to see you smiling!”
“The weather’s really nice outside, it feels good,” I add with a soft laugh.
And I’m not pretending.
The weather pushed my melancholy away for a few hours and, deep down, I think it relieves me. Because it means the shell still isn’t completely empty yet. Nika has always had that effect on me, like some kind of protector, like she was the Elden of my dreams. The one I’d hoped for my entire life. I know it’s wrong to fantasize about your relationships, but I spent a long time needing an older sister, and Elden hasn’t always known how to fill that role. Of course, I don’t blame him. My life must probably feel completely beyond him by now.
“Sit down,” my older friend invites me, gesturing toward the couch she’s already sitting on.
But me, feeling playful, openly disobey her by sitting directly on the floor cross-legged instead. I move closer to the coffee table to quickly examine the papers scattered across its surface. When Nika leans over my shoulder, I turn my head toward her and notice she took off her black glasses, the ones that make her look so studious. I admire her so much. In my mind, she’s always been perfect. Above everything. Like someone you look at from afar and barely dare to touch.
“Are you working on the next album?” I ask distractedly.
“Što drugo želiš da radim?”("What else do you want me to do" I hope it means that lol ) she replies in Croatian, and I laugh softly because even if I don’t fully understand her words, I can hear the joy in her voice.
I feel her hand land in my hair, messing it up mischievously, pulling a few complaints and weak attempts to escape out of me. But while she ruins my hairstyle beneath my quiet, fragile laughter mixed with that strange lightness escaping from my chest, I suddenly feel someone staring at me.
Right in front of me. I lift my head and discover...
...brown eyes.
They’re hers.
Azzi’s brown eyes.
At the other end of the room, leaning against the wall like a fashion illustration waiting to be admired, she watches me silently with her hands buried in her pockets. She has the kind of silhouette people notice before they even understand why. That’s when I curse that thing called muscle memory because my eyes drift downward on their own. Wrapped in the softness of a cream knit sweater exposing her warm brown shoulders, she lingers there like a bohemian apparition in the middle of the room. Her oversized faded jeans, tightened at the waist with tawny leather, nearly brushed the floor while she seemed lost somewhere inside her own thoughts, a timeless silhouette frozen inside glass and concrete modernity.
And that face. That face overflowing with harmony. Her brown skin seems to catch the light only to return it in amber undertones. Her captivating lips remain slightly parted while her dark brown eyes, almost black depending on the angle, hold me with a quiet intensity. Her eyelashes barely flutter. She’s so beautiful. And her dark gaze, deep like the Hudson River after nightfall, has this unbearable ability to shake me apart. Her mere presence chases away my careless laughter.
Nika doesn’t even seem to notice my sudden unease, oblivious to Azzi’s overwhelming presence. To the chaos inside my chest.
“So what is our little genius going to sing about in this new album, hm?”
Surprisingly, the nickname only makes me colder. That nickname belongs to a lifetime long gone, and with it comes an entire era stolen from me. That youth… At that thought, I realize I’ve been trapped inside Azzi’s stare this entire time. I feel pink spread across my cheeks while my heartbeat slips completely out of control.
She makes me nervous.
“Hey,” I greet her with a tone I hope sounds neutral enough.
Azzi slightly furrows her brows before nodding once.
“P.” she barely smiles.
Then she leaves her spot against the wall to head toward the recording area. Unable to stop myself, I follow her with my eyes and notice KK talking with our sound engineers nearby.
Azzi catches my gaze one last time when she turns around to close the door. And it feels like her eyes are speaking to me without me understanding a single thing.
I hate her.
“Do you want me to ask them to close the studio blinds so you won’t get distracted?” Nika asks softly.
Instantly, irritation rises in my throat. But who the fuck do they think I am? I want to stand up, flip the coffee table over, grab my jacket, and slam the door behind me like the Paige Bueckers they all seem to imagine inside their fantasies of adored protectors.
Except I’m not that Paige anymore. I’m not her at all.
“Why? I don’t think I suffer from concentration issues,” I answer coldly, and I can tell the warmth is struggling to return to my face after all its color drained away.
But, there’s a reason why I love Nika so much.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
She’s the only one who apologizes to me. For all of this. For now. For before.
✿
We worked for two hours straight without stopping. I didn’t even notice time passing. It’s crazy how Nika is able to wake up every sleeping thought inside my head. It feels like she knows something about me that I still haven’t figured out myself. I think that should scare me, but instead, I feel reassured, placed back into her gentle hands. And not once does she judge my drafts, my scattered sentences, the thoughts that don’t always make sense.
I’m still stumbling through life at twenty-three, and she still offers me her help.
It’s like she adjusts her breathing to match mine, a soft way of following me while guiding me at the same time. She asked me to reflect on my journey, to find a moment that marked me deeply, something I’d want to revisit. This album is going to be darker, more fractured… But nothing came to mind. Well, if I’m being honest, of course something did.
I thought about everything that happened with Azzi. But that’s a story that will always belong to the two of us, or at least I hope so. I don’t want to hand it over to other people, even the girls don’t know everything, so the fans, the people out there...
Still, there is something connected to Azzi that feels almost responsible for all of this pain.
My innocence.
Like something filthy, it was trampled on and thrown out the door. They spat in its face because apparently that’s all it deserved in this industry. And the very next day, maturity moved in, and I’ve been living beside it ever since. At first, it was difficult. Now, the simple joys of childhood aren’t supposed to matter to me anymore.
Because I’m an adult.
“That. I like that,” Nika says.
I pull myself out of my dark thoughts and return to reality. Still leaning over my shoulder, the leader writer points at something written on my paper that seems to catch her attention.
I follow her finger and land on the words:
I keep running, I grab the mic.
(Keep on runnin’ all day, grabbing the mic)
“I like this mix. Layered thoughts, that’s incredibly smart... It’s like there are two voices talking to each other, two versions of you. The old Paige and the current Paige... The Paige you could’ve become if none of this had happened to you...”
A lot of people make fun of Nika’s poetic rambling. I always pay attention to it because hidden inside that terrible mess of rushed thoughts and tangled words, there’s usually a core of truth.
“It feels like I’m living out of sync... like I’m searching for my own space-time, a place where clocks never move... so I can grow up and live the way I want to,” I answer while turning toward her, searching for something close to approval in her eyes.
Her eyes widen immediately.
“Eclipse!”
Then she instantly leans forward to scribble the word in large letters above my messy notes.
“That title works perfectly, doesn’t it? Like an eclipse that’s lasted for years...”
I nod softly before she continues:
“I’ll leave it there for now. What I can do is send you a few musical arrangements based on the styles we already talked about... R&B, hip-hop... You can listen to everything quietly at home, and we’ll meet again next week. We’ll finish the V1 of the lyrics, then we’ll see how everything fits together with the transitions.”
“Cool,” I grin widely.
This writing session genuinely lifted a weight off my chest. It feels refreshing. And most importantly, I think I’m finally putting words onto something painful inside me.
Caught in the euphoria of the moment, I didn’t even hear the recording studio door open.
“Hey, P!”
That voice sounds familiar to my ears and immediately makes me lift my head.
“Oh, KK! Hi!” I exclaim, getting up energetically with a wide smile.
But the second I stand up, I almost collapse when I realize my legs are completely numb, incapable of supporting my weight. I stayed sitting on the floor for way too long. Disoriented, I stumble forward, but thankfully Nika immediately catches me by the waist and pulls me back against the couch.
“You idiot, you should’ve just sat normally,” she scolds softly.
And at that exact moment, I feel that familiar presence.
I instantly blush in embarrassment. Why does Azzi always have to be there whenever I make a fool of myself like some kid?
And of course, it doesn’t fail. The moment I lift my head, I immediately notice her staring at me. Her hands are tucked inside the pockets of her jeans, once again. That posture gives her such a distant, icy aura. KK is the only one capable of bringing warmth back to that impossibly perfect face. I don’t have that right anymore.
“It’s my fault,” KK laughs. “I have too much effect on this little thing.”
“I’m the little one now?” I shoot back immediately, raising an eyebrow.
“No hateful words against me shall ever reach me! Child!”
But her fake offended expression isn’t convincing at all. I laugh together with Nika. Briefly, I can’t stop myself from glancing toward Azzi. She’s still staring at me without saying a word, unreadable. I try to ignore her presence, but it’s difficult, and my nervousness quickly returns while I fidget anxiously with my fingers.
“So, did you record the final parts for ‘All at Once’? You only needed your vocals left, right?” Nika asks.
“Yeah, but we still have to come back tomorrow. The harmonies need more work. You should come check everything with us, but honestly, we’re really happy with it! P, I don’t know if you’re free, but you can come too,” KK offers enthusiastically.
“Oh, thanks, but I can’t.”
“Hm? You got a date?”
I immediately let out a quiet laugh while avoiding KK’s sparkling eyes.
“I’m going to Minnesota for the weekend.”
“Oh, you’re going to see your family? That’s great!”
“Girls,” Nika interrupts. “I’m gonna leave you guys.”
She’s right, it’s already late. I suddenly feel my older member’s arm finally leaving my waist. Only then do I realize she never let go of me.
“By the way, haven’t you lost weight? Those oversized clothes make it hard to tell...” she asks while grabbing her puffer jacket.
KK answers before I even get the chance to.
“Don’t worry, we’ll feed her properly! Alright, let’s go! What do you girls wanna eat?”
“I don’t care,” Azzi murmurs while going to grab her jacket.
One of her hands slips distractedly through her dark curls before she silently walks out with Nika.
Is she in a bad mood?
Azzi has never been particularly talkative. She’s always had a tendency to withdraw into herself sometimes, but never this coldly. Today feels different. It almost looks like someone forced her to come to this lunch. A strange ache suddenly tightens inside my chest.
Did they force her to come?
“Everything’s okay with Azzi?” I ask KK quietly.
“Yeah, don’t worry. She’s probably just tired lately between recordings, ad campaigns, and training...”
“Okay. You didn’t force her to come, right?”
“No, no. She offered herself.”
I nod silently, unable to detect any lie in her voice, before gathering the last pages Nika and I covered with notes together. When I jog toward my backpack to shove all my work inside, I hear KK ordering me to hurry up before leaving the room. So I quickly throw on my oversized black jacket, sling my backpack over my shoulders, and follow her outside without looking back once.
KK joins Azzi, who’s calmly waiting in the hallway while asking for pork for lunch.
Distractedly, I pull up the zipper of my jacket before starting to follow them toward the exit. I tell them I don’t mind eating meat today. I just wonder where we’re going. As public figures, casually walking around the city without security is completely out of the question now — unless you enjoy danger. Usually, we order food at one of the girls’ apartments or directly at GH.
Naturally, I assumed we’d go to KK’s place, but now that Azzi has been added to the equation, doubt settles inside me.
I really don’t want to go to her place.
“By the way, P, when are you leaving?” KK asks me.
“At 4:30 PM. I booked a private flight.”
“Oh really...?” she says, surprised.
Then she glances at her watch.
“1 PM already! Okay, we shouldn’t waste time. We could just have lunch at your place. It’d probably be easier that way. You’d have time to finish packing.”
No.
“Uh... my stuff’s already packed. I brought everything here so I could leave directly afterward, so we can just go to your place, KK. I wasn’t planning on going back home, honestly...” I mumble while avoiding their eyes.
I don’t know why, but I don’t want anyone inside my apartment anymore. I’d feel like I was being...Violated.
I really think there’s something wrong with me.
“Wait, you’re only bringing that backpack?” KK exclaims.
I instantly feel Azzi’s gaze settle on my profile while I walk. Why does she keep looking at me all the time? It irritates me.
“I’m only staying for the weekend. Worst case scenario, I’ll just steal clothes from my brother,” I laugh.
And of course, she has to open her mouth.
“You really shouldn’t get used to that. You’re drowning more and more in your clothes. Every time, I wonder if it’s even possible to go bigger than this...”
Her deep, clear voice slices right through me. I frown. What exactly is she trying to imply? I hate that condescending tone. There it is, I can feel the anger rising.
“I like comfortable clothes.”
You’ve got to be kidding me. Did she seriously just sigh?
I think KK notices the atmosphere turning electric because she immediately shifts back to the main topic: lunch. Honestly, it’s probably for the best because I can already feel my cheeks burning from holding myself back. Am I not even allowed to dress the way I want anymore? Amazing.
“So, we’re going to your place, Azzi? You live closer, we’ll waste less time!”
That solution doesn’t please me at all, but I’d rather stay quiet.
“O.K.,” the girl in question agrees.
I pull my bucket hat lower over my head to hide my face as much as possible while the others put on sunglasses.
The celebrity life. What can you do?
When we walk outside, there aren’t that many fans waiting in front of the building. We all climb into a van: me first, then KK, then Azzi. During the ride, KK calls a traditional barbecue restaurant she absolutely loves. She orders an absurd amount of food. I honestly don’t know who’s supposed to eat all that. Just the thought of pretending to have a monstrous appetite already exhausts me when all I really want is to be left alone. I’m starting to regret accepting this invitation, which now feels like some kind of terrible trap...
The rest of the ride happens mostly in silence, at least on my side. Azzi relaxes a little around KK. It’s always the same: her gaze suddenly comes alive again and throws warmth back into her entire being. She’s not the same person anymore, and somewhere deep down, I have to admit that transformation fascinates me.
I’ve always been jealous of their friendship. It’s the kind of bond that doesn’t need words. Unlike Azzi and me, who never stop accumulating misunderstandings and unfinished conversations.
When it comes to her, I know I’m supposed to make communication efforts. It always exhausts and unsettles me, so eventually I gave up. And she did too, in a way, because we speak less and less now. It’s exhausting constantly having to explain to someone that “no, that’s not what I meant” or “you never understand anything, as usual.”
I watch the scenery pass outside the window. And suddenly, something hits me.
Everything is moving way too fast.
My life constantly feels like a movie.
✿
We finally arrived. Once we step out of the van, Azzi unlocks the door and immediately heads toward the kitchen to get us glasses of water. I walk behind KK, feeling uncomfortable. Azzi’s scent, slightly woody, slowly settles around us like a ghost returning from the past. And somehow, I feel like it recognizes me. Its former owner. My nails dig into the damp flesh of my palm.
I want to drown in it, but a lump instantly forms in my throat. It grows bigger, bigger... then suddenly bursts apart without a single sound escaping my lips.
Because while I’m taking off my shoes and removing my jacket, I see Bear in the living room. Azzi’s dog hasn’t changed. He’s an adorable little fluffy thing, soft and sweet. He almost never barks because he was raised well.
While KK joins Azzi in the kitchen, I immediately rush toward him. I can tell he remembers me, and he confirms it instantly through his sudden excitement. Kneeling on the shiny wooden floor, I bury my face into his soft fur while feeling tiny licks against my cheeks.
“Hi baby... hi! Hi, hi...”
My voice is drowned beneath the small noises the dog makes against me. He looks so unbelievably happy to see me again that I laugh in pure wonder.
“I seriously don’t understand why you don’t have a pet at your place, P!” KK’s voice suddenly says.
I immediately flinch, instantly abandoning the little dog who starts spinning around me. When I lift my head, I notice KK and Azzi are now sitting on the couch. Azzi, unreadable as always, has her eyes fixed on Bear, who continues his little dance of happiness. And the dog clearly doesn’t care at all, completely absorbed in his game.
I decide to join in and try to catch him, unsuccessfully. He runs fast! When I finally manage to grab him, Bear suddenly starts barking loudly. I immediately let go of him, move away at once, and lift my head toward Azzi while apologizing:
“Sorry... It’s my fault, I got him too excited.”
Honestly, this dog has quite the personality. At first, he barked easily and showered everyone with kisses a little too much. That’s why we named him Bear, our little teddy bear. Over time, KK and I trained him properly so he could learn good habits. And when Bear makes too much noise, Azzi doesn’t like it. So I instantly feel guilty because I shouldn’t have encouraged his excitement.
“Leave it, it’s fine. He hasn’t seen you in a long time.”
Oh. My face instantly warms up, my cheeks nearly burning... I lower my eyes toward Bear.
“Well, looks like it’s a celebration day for you, buddy.”
When the driver outside calls to let us know the food has arrived, Azzi leaves to go pick it up. I immediately take advantage of her absence to join KK on the couch, abandoning Bear.
“So, everything’s been okay lately?” she asks before taking a sip of water.
My smile doesn’t reach my eyes. You people exhaust me with that question.
“Yeah, everything’s perfectly fine.”
And I’m exhausted from lying every single time.
“Okay. I noticed you’ve been practicing a lot lately, and I know you. I know you’re capable of pushing yourself way too far, so... be careful. Eat properly, sleep properly...”
“Yes mom,” I laugh, half sincere, half bitter.
“Did you work on a new song with Nika, by the way? I heard her say she had a project for you...”
“Yeah,” I answer while distractedly watching Bear, who came back to play with a completely destroyed stuffed toy between my legs.
Distractedly, I slide my fingers into his fur and watch him play. KK, meanwhile, keeps going.
“What’s it about?”
The door slams shut. Startled by the noise, I immediately lift my head, abandoning Bear. Azzi has already returned and, to me, it’s obvious that her arrival instantly killed the conversation. But KK doesn’t seem to see it that way.
“Did you know P’s going to compose a song for the album?”
At those words, Azzi throws me a glance while starting to unpack the food bags. I leave the couch to help her place the chopsticks on the coffee table.
“Oh really... You worked on that with Nika this morning, right?”
I can tell from the tone of her voice that she’s looking at me, waiting for confirmation from me.
“Mm,” I nod softly, not very talkative.
“I can’t wait to hear it.”
And I hate when people talk about it.
Azzi stands back up before walking toward the kitchen. I follow her silhouette with my eyes, but KK’s words suddenly pull me out of my contemplation.
“You really should’ve joined us last night, it was so good, even if Nika and Caroline were missing. Honestly, I hadn’t laughed that much in forever.”
My heart tightens. I know she isn’t saying that to blame me for anything, it’s completely innocent on her part, almost affectionate even. But despite myself, I can’t stop feeling bad, feeling guilty for all those times I deliberately isolate myself.
Azzi comes back with a bottle of red wine and three empty glasses that she places on the coffee table.
“I’m not drinking,” I immediately announce.
She nods before pushing one of the glasses aside.
“There are water bottles if that’s okay with you?”
I nod while unscrewing the cap of one before taking a sip.
The three of us settle onto the floor cushions and start serving ourselves. It feels so strange being here, sitting across from Azzi, Bear resting on my lap... If KK weren’t here, I’d almost believe I’d gone back to another time.
Nervously, I swallow. Eat, Paige.
I grab a tray filled with brisket sliders and fries.
“Oh my God, this is so good,” KK gushes while chewing on a piece of smoked ribs.
She’s completely in her own world, somewhere far away. And me, I smile softly at the sight. I love watching her eat. It’s something that feels... important.
Suddenly, before I even understand how, my eyes fall directly into Azzi’s. Was she calling for me? Or was it me? What is she thinking? I feel a strange sense of complicity between us, and it does something weird to me. It’s like she’s trying to tell me with her eyes that she isn’t stupid, and that she can already guess the nature of my thoughts. Even the most secret ones? Even the ones that hold me hostage late at night beneath my blankets, hidden away from the world?
I go pale at the mere thought. As dark as they are, all my countless anxieties are somehow the last fragment of freedom I still possess, the final secret that belongs only to me.
Let me keep them, Azzi.
Please.
✿
I’m not very hungry. Thankfully, Azzi and KK seem far too busy bickering with each other to notice that a good portion of the food is still untouched on the table.
During the meal, Bear went back to his owner, depriving me of his comforting presence. The other two don’t seem bothered by my silence or by the way my gaze lingers too long on them. The tenderness living inside their verbal sparring is almost tangible. It’s too much for me, I think.
I lower my eyes toward my hands resting between my folded knees and absentmindedly run them over my cargo pants. The language of glances isn’t something I share with them, unfortunately. That’s the entire distance that defines us. I remain their coworker, an acquaintance, a good friend. They are much more than that.
Lost in thought, I begin nervously rubbing my hands over my thighs. Can I go home? Once again, I feel like a child being dragged around against her will... I don’t belong here.
I thought KK invited me because she was worried about me. In the end, I feel more like I forced myself into a moment that was never meant for me. Originally, Azzi was the one who added herself to this lunch. Not me. I don’t understand my emotions anymore. I should feel relieved that their attention isn’t focused on me. But instead, I feel… Ridiculous.
Like an idiot.
“Do you want to play with Bear?”
I immediately lift my head, abandoning my hands that I haven’t stopped twisting and turning. Azzi is staring at me while extending the little dog’s paw toward me. He lets her do it, his snout turned in my direction, almost begging. I immediately reach my arms out to take him. At least he never hurts me.
“It’s okay if he barks,” Azzi murmurs while I move farther into the living room to play with him.
Really? That surprises me coming from her.
“Do you want me to move farther away then?” I ask from across the room while their conversation has just been interrupted, a conversation I never truly followed in the first place.
Azzi barely glances at me when she answers.
“No, no. Stay close to us.”
Well then, my dear Bear, today really is a celebration day.
The second the thought crosses my mind, Azzi turns back toward KK while grabbing her glass of wine. It slowly glides toward her lips before she leans in slightly to drink. The liquid slides down her throat. The gesture is unbearably sensual. There was a time when she would’ve looked at me over the rim of her glass with that almost provocative expression. Then she would’ve called me over just to devour my lips. Unconsciously, I wet mine before quickly looking away, blushing.
What am I even thinking...
I decided to focus on Bear and play with him instead. Lying on my stomach, I lower my head to his level and hide the plush toy he had been tearing apart earlier against my stomach. Immediately, he presses his little nose against mine, against my neck, then moves lower toward my chest to grab the toy. I lift myself slightly, giving him an opening that he immediately rushes to explore. And he pulls on the plush while barking happily.
I turn my head toward Azzi, who continues talking with KK without even sparing us a glance. A child. That’s what I am. A child who would rather play with a dog than make the effort to stay with them.
“P, you barely ate anything! I ordered smoked lamb for you, I know you love that!” KK suddenly shouts.
Lying on my back with Bear resting on my chest, I turn my head toward the two girls watching me.
“Yah, you ordered way too much,” I whine uncomfortably while the little dog squirms against my stomach.
Then Bear suddenly moves away. I instantly feel cold air brush against the skin of my stomach. The dog’s movements lifted my sweater up. I quickly pull it back down but already catch my host’s piercing stare.
“That’s nonsense,” KK replies. “You’re the one who doesn’t eat enough. You used to eat way more than this! I’m gonna call your mom so she can stuff you full once you’re back home.”
“Do you want dessert? I have strawberries,” Azzi offers.
She doesn’t even wait for my answer before immediately getting up, probably to go get them. Her speed surprises me, but I simply end up shrugging.
I immediately grab Bear again to trap him between my arms and smother him with affection. He starts squirming and barking while I laugh against his fur, curled into a fetal position on the floor with him pressed against my heart.
“Aouuuh, aouuh...” I groan against him.
Poor thing, I’m seriously bullying him.
And yet, he doesn’t seem to mind because the second I let him go, he immediately throws himself toward my face, trying to lick me.
“No, no, no!” I shout while sitting back up. “Bad! We do not lick!”
“You seriously need a dog, P,” KK mutters, her eyes still lost on her phone screen.
Me? A dog? I almost scoff. If I had a pet at home, it would probably hate me. Besides, we’re constantly traveling. How would I ever find the time to take care of one properly?
Azzi comes back with a bowl full of strawberries while KK, completely slumped against the couch, keeps staring at her phone. I’m about to get up to rejoin them in the living room, but Azzi walks directly toward me, the bowl still in her hands.
“Don’t move. I removed the leaves and washed them.”
I barely have time to process her words before she’s already standing in front of me. And when she kneels down, her face suddenly invades my personal space while her eyes catch mine. We haven’t been this close in far too long. Lost inside her dark irises, I search through the ink staring back at me. But I still don’t know how to read it.
Her face lowers slightly and I watch her fingers pick up a strawberry. When she brings it toward my mouth, slightly parted at the sight of the red fruit, I notice her eyes fixed on my lips. And that single look instantly awakens a devastating warmth inside me. God.I can feel my cheeks turning red. But Azzi seems completely focused on what she’s doing. The cool flesh of her fingers suddenly brushes against my lips before touching them more firmly as she slides the fruit onto my tongue. Her nails lightly scrape against my mouth when she reaches for another strawberry.
“Do you like it?” Azzi asks curiously, her eyes suddenly locked onto mine, slightly dazed.
My cheeks burn even hotter, but I chew and swallow obediently.
“It’s delicious.”
“Girls, I’ll be back, I need to take a call.”
By the time I lift my head, I see KK disappearing into the hallway before closing the front door behind her, completely absorbed by her phone. Thankfully. And me, I feel overwhelmed by everything happening, overwhelmed by this regained solitude with her. We’re alone now, just the two of us, and my heart is pounding violently. I search inside her gaze, but nothing seems willing to escape from it. Completely unbothered, Azzi simply picks up another strawberry before sliding it between my lips once again. And suddenly, I feel like bursting into tears.
Azzi is feeding me.
Somewhere deep inside me, in the most hidden part of my being, it awakens something indescribable. I’m overwhelmed, my vision becomes blurry. Tears slowly begin clouding my eyesight more and more. No. I can’t cry. This means nothing to her, she’s doing this without knowing. And yet, she could. She could read me completely.
“Eat,” she murmurs while continuing her little game.
Her eyes kiss my lips. I even feel like her fingers are caressing my mouth sometimes, but maybe I’m imagining things. And then I’m no longer really myself. In this strange state, lulled by her scent and by the outrageously delicious taste of the strawberries, I forget everything. I’ve never been this hungry before. Greedy, I eat more eagerly now, my eyes closed. The darkness behind my eyelids frees me from every restraint. Because I’m losing control: my tongue occasionally brushes against Azzi’s fingers, and my lips clumsily graze them because I want more, always more...
“Good girl.”
Her soft voice feels like a caress against my skin. It crashes softly against my chin, so close. And I feel like the two of us are trapped inside this microcosm I can’t help secretly cherishing. Her scent, both woody and sweet, wraps around me and comforts me. Her breath stumbles near my damp lips, stained with red juice.
When there’s nothing left, Azzi places her other hand against my cheek, gently stroking it with her thumb while her nose brushes against mine. But the gesture happens too quickly. The shock chases away the tears that were about to fall down my face.
When I open my eyes, Bear barks.
“Oh no. You calm down,” Azzi grumbles while throwing him a fake irritated look.
I want to kiss her.
But I can’t.
✿
I’m lying on my childhood bed, arms spread out. The late afternoon sunlight stretches across my body. And even though it warms me, its rays leave no trace on my skin. I haven’t tanned in a very long time. Spring has been here for over a month now, yet I remain pale, like a ghost. Maybe daylight is slowly erasing me… And honestly, I wouldn’t mind that at all.
I suddenly feel my phone vibrate against my thigh. Clumsily, I pull it out of my pocket with a sigh.
Azzi. New message.
Huh. Immediately, I remember the far too disturbing strawberry incident. God...Thank God KK left us alone...
Curious, I roll over onto my stomach before unlocking my phone. It’s not every day that she thinks about texting me...
Azzi — 6:15 PM
Hey
Seriously?
I wait for a little while. She’s obviously going to type something else, it’s weird to greet me for no particular reason.
I decide not to answer her right away and scroll through social media for a bit instead. I know, it’s bad. But every now and then, I crack a little just to see what people are saying...
The theories about KK’s new tatoo have completely invaded social media while Nika got photographed inside an upscale Manhattan restaurant. I also come across a few comments about the way I dress.
“She literally dresses like a trash bag lmaooo”
“Did she forget she’s a star or what”
“OMG I love it !!”
“so ugly we can’t even recognize her anymore”
“I’d totally f*ck her”
Okayyy. I immediately leave the app and I think again about Azzi’s text that I want to ignore. Except I’m weak. And curious.
Me — 7:33 PM
Hey?
I hesitated before adding the question mark.
Azzi — 7:34 PM
Typing...
I wait. She stops typing.
“P, are you coming downstairs? Dinner’s ready!”
My mother’s voice immediately pulls me out of my thoughts. I instantly get up and abandon my phone on the bed, leaving Azzi aside just long enough to have dinner with my family.
I hope she’s okay at least.
✿
I missed my mother’s cooking terribly. Completely full, I silently rub my stomach while letting out a sigh of contentment. My father watches me fondly.
“Looks like our little P really missed homemade food!”
“Oh yes,” I laugh along with him.
“Well... you only had two plates, and barely touched the apple pie, sweetheart,” my mother complains dramatically.
That’s already huge if only you knew, mom...
When I arrived yesterday, my mother literally exploded with happiness, thanking heaven for this birthday gift. Elden was there too. The four of us spent an incredible evening together, and my mother even shed a tear when I gave her present to her: a framed watercolor painting and a new handbag.
My mother adores anything related to art. Our house is filled with drawings made by my father, my brother, and me. We’re her little artists... Sometimes everything looks a little chaotic, but every piece has its exact place, at least according to her.
Ever since I came back home, I’ve felt unbelievably good. I almost forget about my life in New York. It feels like I’m finally reclaiming the place that belongs to me, reconnecting with the real me, the Paige who’s still allowed to enjoy the simple pleasures of youth.
Am I living the right way?
Why am I alone in a different space and time?
✿
We finished eating. I insisted on doing the dishes and cleaning the table. My mother didn’t want to, but Elden forced her to leave the kitchen. It was pretty funny. I know she should stop babying me, but secretly, I kind of like it.
Elden stays to talk with me for a while while I wash the plates and silverware. He always asks me the same questions.
My brother has always tried to enter my world. He has always looked at me with that curious gaze, and I know his attention is sincere. I know he cares about me. Except he’s not like Nika, for example. Or even Azzi, actually. He wouldn’t be able to understand me, to understand my life, my emotions. I can feel it in his eyes, It’s a distance with no cure. And honestly, I’m not even sure I want a member of my family entering that space.
Once our conversation is over, I leave the kitchen to grab something warm from my bedroom. Elden and I want to go for a walk, just to get some fresh air and enjoy the quietness of the night. I grab my phone and pull on one of Elden’s sweatshirts, which falls down to my thighs, before rushing downstairs.
“You’re going to fall...” Elden warns me with a stern expression.
I stick my tongue out at him while stealing my father’s bucket hat still hanging from the staircase railing. My brother tells our parents we’re going out for a walk while I distractedly pull out my phone. I have a text from KK and another one from Hannah, a close friend from my high school years. But more importantly, I have two messages from Azzi…
I immediately unlock my screen.
Azzi — 8:34 PM
Sorry. I think I’d rather call you.
Call me...? Why would she want to call me? Could it be...? I think about it while crossing one street, then another beside Elden.
And of course, I answer.
Me — 8:38 PM
Is everything okay?
Azzi — 8:39 PM
I don’t know.
I stop walking immediately.
“I don’t know.” I whisper.
“What the hell are you doing?”
My heart stops. I think Azzi is doing badly. If she isn’t being clear with me, it’s because she doesn’t want to bother anyone. Should I call her? Should I— Why is she turning to me? She could contact KK. Or Nika. Or... fuck, literally anyone but me.
“P... everything okay?”
I don’t know what kind of state she’s in. Anxiety suddenly rises inside me and the world beneath my feet stops existing. I can’t hear anything around me anymore.
There’s only Azzi.
“I... sorry. It’s Azzi... I just need to answer her,” I murmur absentmindedly.
My eyes and hands cling to my phone like it’s a lifeline.
Me — 8:41 PM
Are you alone?
Azzi — 8:41 PM
Yes.
I take a deep breath.
Me — 8:41 PM
Do you want to call me?
I offer that without even knowing whether I’m capable of carrying that kind of weight. What are you getting yourself into, Paige...
I start walking again, my stomach tied into knots. Elden watches me worriedly.
“You okay?”
“Eld... Tell me something... Do you think I’m immature?”
“Immature? No, not really. I mean, sometimes you still have childish habits, but you’ve always been serious and hardworking, even when you were little. You were never a difficult child.”
My sigh leaves behind a trail of fog in the cold night air.
“And... would you accept a serious relationship at a young age? I mean, dating someone your age and growing together, for example?”
He looks at me with amused eyes.
“Are you interested in someone lately?”
I instantly blush at that remark.
“No...”
I study my brother’s profile while he thinks distractedly, staring down the street.
“It’s not really about age, honestly. It’s about attitude... and the fusion inside the relationship. But for some people, age matters a lot, and experience too. It’s surprising how many people don’t believe in first love lasting forever.”
I press my lips together. This is not the right moment to have this conversation. My brother’s words awaken an entire army of insecurities and bitterness inside me.
“I need to call Azzi, is that okay?”
“Yeah, not at all. Wait for me here, I’m gonna buy us drinks. Sit on that wall!”
Immediately, he walks toward a convenience store about five hundred meters away. I silently thank my father’s oversized bucket hat for hiding almost my entire face.
Azzi — 8:43 PM
Call me whenever you’re ready.
Me — 8:44 PM
Calling.
The second I send the message, I feel my heartbeat speeding up violently. My hands are sweaty. Clumsily, I wipe them against my jeans. Someone walks past me in the street… Thankfully, it’s just a man in his fifties who doesn’t seem to recognize me.
I start the call while clearing my throat during the ringing tones.
“Hello?”
“Hey... Uh...”
I have absolutely no idea what to say to her. Great. I think my nervousness is way too obvious because I hear Azzi sigh.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stress you out with my last message. I just wanted to talk to you about one of our advertising campaigns...”
I frown, honestly surprised by her approach.
“...Uh... Yeah?”
“It doesn’t bother you if we switch schedules? I won’t be able to free myself on Tuesday. When are you coming back from Minnesota?”
This is a joke?
Tell me this is a joke.
Thank God I’m sitting down, because I feel my heart suddenly slow down. So violently that I have to grip my t-shirt to stop myself from groaning in pain.
A fucking advertising campaign.
“I’m coming back tomorrow,” I barely breathe out.
“Okay, do you think that could work?”
“I guess so...”
I feel completely detached from reality.
So... that’s really the only reason she’s calling me? Did she use me? I hear her voice on the other end of the phone without managing to understand a single meaning behind her words, behind her sentences. And yet, she keeps talking for a long time. But suddenly, grief blocks every language center in my brain. Why can’t I follow her anymore right now? I thought it was something important, that she was going to confide in me, that she would finally say...
“Feelings make you weak, Paige,” I hear inside my head.
No. No, please. Anything but that. My breathing accelerates.
When Elden comes back with our drinks, I lift my teary eyes toward him and silently beg him to pull me away from all of this.
With my eyes, I beg him to rip this phone away from my ear. To rip Azzi out of my heart. To erase her from my memory and from my body.
But like always, Elden never truly understands my gaze.
“...really bad for us.”
Silence.
“Paige?”
I reconnect to reality immediately. But no sound comes out of my mouth. My tears roll down the curve of my cheeks. Those fucking chubby cheeks you used to love caressing, Azzi.
I feel Elden grabbing the phone.
“I’m sorry, she’ll call you back.”
And he hangs up immediately.
I want Nika. Because Nika knows how to make people feel better. I want her to pull me into her arms, to stroke my hair while whispering that everything will be okay, that it’s not wrong to cry, that actually, crying is better. It’s better to let it all out, right?
My breathing keeps accelerating, leaving my mouth in broken gasps.
“Paige, what’s happening to you...”
Elden kneels down in front of me, placing his hands over mine, over my knees.
“I don’t understand... It feels like someone broke you...”
I whimper while closing my eyes, tucking my head down and curling into myself, unable to calm my breathing.
I’m ashamed, I feel disgusting. I don’t want him to see me like this.
“How do I fix you...”
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
✿
I begged Elden not to tell our parents anything. I don’t want them to worry. Now, we drank our drinks in silence, he bought me banana milk.
I saw that Azzi had sent me three new messages, but I only read them once I got back home, hidden away in my bed.
Azzi — 8:58 PM
Is everything okay? Are you with your brother?
Azzi — 9:12 PM
Please answer me... I’m worried about you.
Azzi — 10:10 PM
I tried calling you. Send me something please, Paige... Anything. I need to know you’re okay, especially right now.
Why does she only seem this worried about me through her messages? A dull anger rumbles inside me, but I suffocate it before replying in the coldest way possible.
Me — 10:45 PM
I’m okay. Sorry. Tuesday works. Goodnight Azzi.
Azzi
Typing...
Azzi — 10:46 PM
Was that your brother earlier?
Me — 10:46 PM
Yes.
I sigh, I don’t expect anything from her anymore.
To stop myself from overthinking tonight’s exchange, I decide to check the messages KK left me.
KK — 5:30 PM
So P, everything okay at your parents’ place? Lunch at Az’s today was really nice, we should do that again sometime.
Without me.
KK — 9:24 PM
Hey, everything okay? Azzi just called me, I think she’s worried. And honestly, I am too. Don’t leave us in the dark please...
KK — 10:48 PM
At least give us a sign you’re alive, please. I’m going to sleep. Love you😚💞
I feel horribly guilty for worrying them this much. Why do I have to be the fucking weak link of this group? I did everything to become what you wanted. I grew up, disciplined my body, trained my voice day and night, controlled my emotions, accepted Azzi’s decision...
What more do you want from me?
Me — 10:53 PM
Sorry KK, I’m really enjoying my time with my family here. I’m okay, don’t worry. Goodnight ♥️
The moment I receive another message from Azzi, my heart immediately starts racing again...
Azzi — 10:55 PM
Did something happen?
I freeze in front of my screen. I should ignore her, but...
Me — 11:12 PM
No?
Azzi — 11:13 PM
Stop lying. I can see you’re not okay. You can’t even pretend properly anymore. How long do you think lying will protect you? Until we lose you? Is that what you want?
She’s confronting me. Trying to provoke me a little so I’ll finally talk. But I won’t fall into her trap, I know her too well for that.
Me — 11:15 PM
What are you even talking about?
Azzi — 11:16 PM
You’re selfish.
Excuse me? EXCUSE ME?
Me — 11:16 PM
Me?
Azzi — 11:18 PM
Yes, you. You lock yourself inside your misery without telling any of us anything. The girls have been worried for a while, you know? We regularly check with each other to see who has heard from you. I’m asking you again: did something happen? Don’t lie.
That hurts me.It hurts me so badly that I immediately burst into tears.
So all those times I thought she was worried about me… All those looks, those words, those little attentions… Everything I mistook for affection...Was it all just professional? Just to satisfy the others and calm their pointless concern?
So she really did abandon me?
And that question, the one I can’t stop replaying in my head, shatters my heart into a thousand pieces. Again and again. I’m so alone. I whimper like a wounded animal, curl into myself, bite down on my pillow, suffocate. And without thinking, I text her the words I’ve been screaming inside myself for months.
Me — 11:45 PM
I can’t do this anymore.
Azzi — 11:45 PM
Call me.
Me — 11:45 PM
No.
She calls me, but I ignore it. I’m in such a state of distress that I no longer filter my thoughts before typing them. She always, always manages to push me into my last defenses.
Me — 11:45 PM
I can’t talk
Azzi
Typing...
Me — 11:46 PM
I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do for you all to finally be happy with me.
She stopped typing. I think she’s paying attention now.
Me — 11:48 PM
You abandoned me and I thought I was going to die, but I managed to survive it, I understood that you didn’t want a child. And now I can’t even define myself anymore. I’m still stuck at point zero while you’re all the way up there. Leave me alone now.
I immediately turn off my phone. It’s too much for me. And deep inside my heart, where everything is nothing but ruins now, I know I’m incapable of handling her answer, whatever it might be.
End of the first part. Finally!
Feel free to leave some feedback. How do you think the relationship between Paige and Azzi will evolve in the future? Especially after this confession? Hehe