Pushing it down and praying- Matt sturniolo
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I never planned for any of this.
If you asked me a year ago what my life would look like, I would’ve said something neat and stable—quiet mornings, someone solid beside me, a life that felt like a steady heartbeat instead of a storm. And for a while, that’s exactly what I got.
He gave me all the things people say you’re supposed to want: reliability, warmth, a future that looked safe.
But then there was Matt.
I don’t know when Matt went from being a friend, a familiar face, to becoming the one person who lived behind my eyelids. It was slow at first, like a tide that sneaks higher while you’re not paying attention. One day you’re fine. The next, the water is up to your throat.
What I remember most is the feeling—that sense of recognition when someone looks at you like they already know the words you haven’t said.
Matt looked at me like that.
And now… now I’m lost.
The Bed I Lie In
At night, when I lie beside the man who loves me, I try to breathe evenly. I try to stay present, to remember that he is real, solid, gentle. We fit together in that comfortable way people do when they’ve spent a long time learning each other’s rhythms. His hands are familiar, his voice grounding.
But the moment I close my eyes…
It’s Matt.
Matt with the half-smile that always breaks something open inside me.
Matt with the way he says my name like it’s a question and an answer.
Matt who sees the parts of me I try to bury.
Every time I’m held, kissed, touched—my mind betrays me.
My body betrays me.
I betray him.
I tell myself I should feel guilty. I should feel the sharp edge of wrongness. I should hate myself a little.
But instead, I feel hollow.
I want to feel something clear—guilt, anger, clarity, anything.
Instead there’s only that ache of longing, like a song stuck on repeat.
Two Different Worlds
My boyfriend—he is steady. He asks about my day, leaves notes on the counter, buys groceries without being asked. He shows up. He listens. He tries.
Matt is not steady.
Matt is depth—messy, unpredictable, too honest.
He is late-night conversations that leave me shaken, truths I didn’t know I needed to hear, the kind of person who breaks you open just by existing.
With him, I feel exposed. Seen.
With my boyfriend, I feel safe.
What kind of person chooses chaos when they already have peace?
Maybe the kind of person I’ve turned into.
What I’m Afraid to Admit
If someone asked me outright—if they looked me in the eye and said, “Are you in love with Matt?”—I don’t know what I’d say.
It would depend on who was asking.
It would depend on whether I was brave enough to speak truth or coward enough to keep lying.
It would depend on whether Matt was standing close enough for me to feel the heat of him.
So instead, I push it down.
I bury it beneath excuses and promises and the silent hope that someday the feeling will fade.
But it doesn’t.
It gets worse.
The Night Everything Broke
I remember the night I realized the truth.
I was lying in bed, my boyfriend asleep beside me, his hand warm around my waist.
I should’ve felt loved.
I should’ve felt lucky.
Instead, all I could think about was the look Matt gave me the last time we spoke—soft, knowing, almost pleading.
Like he could see the war happening inside me.
I wanted him there.
I wanted to turn and find him beside me.
I wanted to breathe him in, to feel his hands on me, to hear his voice saying my name like it meant something.
And I hated myself for it.
I didn’t sleep that night.
I watched the ceiling, listened to the steady breathing beside me, and felt myself sinking deeper into a truth I wasn’t ready to face:
I’m breaking the heart of someone who loves me… because someone else lives in mine.
The Question I Keep Avoiding
It’s only a matter of time before someone brings it up.
Before someone notices the way I flinch at my phone lighting up, the way my thoughts drift, the way my voice changes when Matt’s name is mentioned.
I’m terrified of the moment my boyfriend asks what’s wrong, why I’m distant, why I kiss him like I’m apologizing.
I’m terrified because I don’t know if I’ll be able to lie.
So for now, I push it down.
I pray he won’t see the truth in my face.
I pray Matt won’t say the one thing that would unravel everything.
I pray for peace, but want, want, want burns through me like a secret I’ve already failed to hide.
And Still…
Every night, I close my eyes.
And every night…
It’s Matt.
My note: heya this is my first time writing on tumblr, I used Lizzy’s song since she decides to drop the live version on a random Tuesday 🥹🥹🥹. Used a bit of my own twist, if you can tell. Im really proud of it!!
