ominuous prompts! // 32: unbelonging
AN EXERPT FROM A JOURNAL FOUND BENEATHA MATTRESS.
I am a ghost in my own skin.
Certainly, this is irrefutable. I haunt myself. I haunt myself, in this skeletal house, in this body of a house, all blood and skin and muscle. I walk the halls of my own bones, mapping myself out, looking for something, something that I don’t know. I am looking for that part of me that does not belong, so that I can rip it out and begin again.
I am a ghost in my own skin.
There has never been sense of belonging: no, a restless- ness hangs about me, a heavy thing that weighs me down, rattles about in my chest. I have never known peace, always feeling the calling, the pulling, the feeling that I, I do not belong here. I am a thorn-bush amongst roses, a creature that almost, almost fits in, but maybe I am not something that is meant to stay.
I am a ghost in my own skin.
My body: a graveyard. I have killed myself again and again, buried myself amongst the forget-me-nots, swallowed my- self down. I have buried so many versions of myself, a mourner at my own funeral. Here I lie, a creature that does not belong. A creature not meant for this world.
I feel like I have always existed a little to the left of where I should be.
Everyone else fits together so perfectly, but I do not. I am the leftover screw, the part that was left out, the thing that no-one knows what to do with. I do not blame them. Maybe there is something in me that is rotten. If I can rip it out, then maybe: maybe I will belong.
I am a ghost in my own skin, existing a little to the left of where I should be. Maybe I am not meant to stay.