l o c k - i n
last night, we had our winter lock-in! the last one of the DECADE (!!!)
by the grace of God, he strengthened me to be awake yesterday in prayer hahaha.
to be honest...it’s easy for me (dangerously) to leave extended moments of prayer and walk away...almost...1.) unchanged, 2.) forgetful, and 3.) unaware and practically deaf to what God was speaking to me or doing in that time.
because of that, i felt it a good idea to reflect a bit on how the night was for me and what God was putting on my heart to be in prayer for.
1. praying over this past semester...it was painful in sharing with God how I honestly felt about this semester. It was hard and revealing of the state of my hard heart. I apologized...for how I was in my role as a servant, as a worker, as a friend, as a daughter, as a girlfriend. In many ways, I saw that I had failed immensely in different roles that God had called me to be in. I asked God that He would change my heart as I enter into this upcoming year. Because He and I, both, know that only He can do such a perilous work (lol. my heart is wildly stubborn). Yet, in this heaviness, I felt extreme thankfulness because through it all, He never lifted His hand off of me. I thanked Him for His faithfulness and for His leading me to more of Him, in a time and place where I thought that I could only get further away. Despite my bitterness and my hard heart this year, He never gives up on me, and He promises that He will never leave. I felt undeserving and grateful.
2. along with praying over the semester, I prayed briefly and generally about the certain places that God had called me (small group, relationships, family, work).
3. thanksgiving and just crying out for God to use me for His glory. I’ve recently read a book about immigrant and refugee families. Along with that, I also finished a series on Netflix on the same topic. It actually was super heartbreaking and eye-opening to the very real pain, suffering, and darkness that is occurring all over the world. today. right here. this moment. it was overwhelming to me that while I was living my life...stressed about my future, staying in bed in discouragement, struggling with indecisiveness in my life, etc, there were people all over the world, even people in my own community, who had little to nothing in their name. their struggles were if they would have enough food, if they’d be able to stay in a safe place, if they could just live another day without worrying if their mom or dad was still alive or not. i didn’t want to quench what God had given me. I didn’t want to feel guilty about it, either. But what I prayed and asked was that with what God had given me, that I would use it for Him and somehow be a light in this world that has no hope (none) without Christ.
this is a general overview hahah i guess of the few hours we had. it did feel a bit shorter this year. i was thankful that i had a God who wanted to speak with me and to hear what was on my heart. I was thankful that I had a God who I could share with even in the midst of my overwhelming and cluttered thoughts. i didn’t know where to start. and i was thankful that He was there to be patient and listening through it all.
i’m seeing more how imperfect i am. but it’s incredible how my perfect Father never lets me go. to be honest, as i type this i’m not like ecstatic or like feeling all sentimental and warm-hearted. still been wrestling with a lot of different thoughts and feelings. but i type that because that’s the truth. and that’s it.