Lokean Parable: Let Baldr Be the Best (Baldrs Draumar)
(First, a quick disclaimer about these stories)
Baldr was a prince of the Aesir. He was handsome and well liked, but also very insecure. Even though he was a prince, he didn’t feel like the other Aesir respected him as much as he deserved. Everyone knew that Thor was the best warrior, and that Skathi was the best hunter, and that Heimdall was the best at following the rules. But there was nothing that everyone knew Baldr was the best at.
One evening, after Thor had regaled everyone with another of his great tales about roaming the outlands, Baldr went to his mother, Frigga.
“I can’t stand it.” He said. “Why are there no great tales of my bravery and daring?”
Frigga smiled lovingly and put her hands on his shoulders.
“Because my dear, you are a prince, and you are too important to send roaming the outlands.”
This cheered Baldr for a moment. Being important was a good thing. But the he realized he wasn’t the most important, so it was just one more thing that someone else was better at.
“If I’m so important, how come I’m not the best at anything?” He asked.
“You are the best at being my son.”
Baldr shrugged. “That’s not much. That only means I’m better at it than Hothr, and he is bad at everything.” He said, and walked off to his hall to sleep.
Frigga thought all night about this, and in the morning, she decided to do something about it. She went to everyone and everything and made them promise that they would let Baldr be better then them. She made the deer promise to let Baldr run faster, and the steel promise to let Baldr be stronger.
“Thor” Frigga said, “I want you to promise to always let Baldr win when you two spar.”
Thor shrugged. “That seems weird. But you asked it, and so I will promise.”
“Skathi” Frigga said, “I want you to promise to always let Baldr hunt better than you.”
Skathi looked at Frigga with eyes like pine shadows in winter. “If that is how it must be.”
“Heimdall” Frigga said, “I want you to promise to always let Baldr follow the rules better than you.”
Heimdall nodded sagely. “I don’t know what that means, but you are in charge and I will always do as you command.”
In this way, Frigga made sure that Baldr was the best at everything and that nothing bad would ever happen to him. Baldr had great fun, challenging Thor to wrestling contests and winning, going hunting with Skathi and getting the most deer, and making up new rules that Heimdall couldn’t follow better because he didn’t know about them.
But all this happened while Loki was away on a long journey in the outlands, and one day, he came back to Asgard. He found Thor, covered in bruises and drinking mead.
“Thor,” asked Loki, “while I was gone, did everyone lose their fucking minds?”
Thor shook his head. “No, but Frigga made us all promise to let Baldr be the best at everything.”
Loki took the horn that Thor was drinking from and downed the rest of it. “That is so much worse.”
Thor shrugged. “It’s not so bad. Baldr will get bored of it sooner or later.”
Loki looked over at Baldr, who was wearing medals representing all things he was best at, including a medal that read ‘medal for having more medals than anyone else in Asgard.’
“I don’t think he will.” Loki said, and left the hall.
The next day, Loki found out that Frigga hadn’t exacted any promises from the mistletoe plant because it wasn’t good enough at anything for her to bother with. Loki made an arrow from the mistletoe wood and poisoned it with a poison made from the white berries. That afternoon, Baldr was showing everyone again how he was stronger than arrows or swords, and telling them to ‘take their best shot.’ All of the Aesir indulged him, except for his brother Hothr, who was blind.
“Hothr,” said Loki, “You should honor your brother as the other Aesir do.”
Hothr shook his head. “It is too embarrassing. Yesterday, I missed and hit a cow instead. Everyone laughed at me, and Baldr won’t stop calling me ‘slayer of cows.’”
“That’s ok.” Loki said. “Take this bow and arrow, and I will guide your shot true. No one will make fun of you after that.”
“I would like that. Thank you.”
“My pleasure.” Loki said, and did as he promised. The mistletoe arrow struck Baldr in the heart and killed him instantly.
This caused great confusion among the Aesir. Odin made the journey to the afterworld where Baldr was feasting, and demanded the Hel send him back to Asgard. Hel was Loki’s daughter, and while she didn’t want to offend Odin and the Aesir, she was suspicious of the demand. She agreed to return Baldr, but only if everyone in Asgard agreed that he should come back.
Odin and Frigga gathered everyone together and they all agreed that Baldr should come back. All except Loki.
“Will you release everyone from their promises if he returns?” Loki asked Frigga.
“No.” She said. “And this time I will get everything. Even the mistletoe. Even you.”
“Hard pass.” Said Loki.
Frigga leveled her finger at Loki. “Fine. You aren’t even one of us anyway. Everyone who isn’t a half breed and a traitor has agreed. Hel must send Baldr back.”
But Hel refused. When the reply came, Frigga was furious. She found Loki getting ready to return to the outlands.
“Someday soon,” she said to Loki “you will pay dearly for this.”
Loki slung his pack over his shoulder and looked around at Asgard, at the halls, and at all the Aesir and Vanir who lived there.
“Someday soon,” Loki said “we will all pay dearly for this.”
One day, while Odin and Thor and Loki were out fishing and drinking mead, they met the first two humans, who were scrambling along the rocks gathering shellfish.
Odin called the two humans over, and named them Askr and Embla. He gave them fates, like the gods had, so that they might be part of the world but also able to alter it.
When he was done, he turned to Thor and Loki.
“They are different than the other animals now, and they will be able to interact with us more directly. You should each gift them things that will help them thrive.”
Thor considered it for a moment. “I give them courage so that they can protect each other, and the ability to inspire each other with their examples and their stories.”
Odin nodded approvingly. “That is good. The world is a hard place, and they will need those things.” Then he turned to Loki. “And you?”
“I’m going to make them both smoking hot.”
Odin’s brows furrowed. “What?”
Loki nodded and grinned. “Yeah. And they’re going to have orgasms when you touch them in the right places. Like Sif.”
“Dammit Loki.” Thor growled. “What have I told you about that.”
Loki stroked Thor’s bicep. “Relax. I’m not saying I don’t like you just as much. In fact, I was thinking that maybe you and Sif and I –”
“Loki!” Odin snapped. “Focus. And come up with a real gift, something practical.”
“Okay, okay, something practical. I’ll need to think about it and get back to you guys.” Loki said. “Anyway, all this talk reminds me that I have some unfinished business back in Asgard. No need for you two to hurry back though.” And with that, Loki was gone.
“I’m sure they’ll think of something,” Thor said, “they usually do.”
Odin sighed. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
Later, Odin and Heimdall were watching the humans as they hunted and ate and fucked and slept and lived and died.
“That’s all they do?” Heimdall asked.
Odin nodded. “Kind of disappointing, isn’t it?”
“It is. I think I have a solution though.”
So Heimdall went among the humans. He took the poorest and taught them how to bear the burden of manual labor, day in and day out. He taught the thralls to be grateful for what they had and to always obey their betters and to accept their lot in life.
Then Heimdall made the more skilled humans into crafters and farmers. He taught them how to raise livestock and till the land. He showed them how to make clothes from plant fibers, and how to store food so that they might harvest more than they needed to eat and be able to provide for their lords.
Finally, Heimdall chose the strongest and the wealthiest among the humans to be Jarls. He showed them how to command their lesser kin, and gave them the will to accumulate power and the means to make war.
As he was finishing up, he noticed Loki watching him.
“You gave them servitude and exploitation as gifts?”
“I gave them order and a sense of purpose and place.” Heimdall said. “I do not expect you to understand. Stand aside, I must return to my duty.”
“Yea, sure. No problem.” Loki said, and then settled down to watch the humans for a long time after Heimdall had gone. Sure enough, the thralls seemed perfectly content to live out their short brutal lives as work animals. The farmers and craftsfolk willingly gave their possessions to the Jarls who ruled them. In turn, the Jarls raised up armies and sent them against each other to kill and to die for each lord’s benefit.
With each generation, Loki became more and more incredulous. Eventually, he decided he had seen enough. He gave his gift to humanity and went back to Asgard.
Some time later, Heimdall went to look for Odin. He found him drinking with Thor and Loki.
“Something is wrong with the humans.”
Odin frowned. “Really? The hall of the dead has been as full as ever. What is the problem?”
"It is madness down there. Thralls rising up and killing their masters. Farmers and craftsfolk amassing the wealth that should rightfully belong to their lords. Soldiers refusing their own deaths in battle. The humans are tearing apart the order that I created for them.”
Odin nodded, his face grave. “That is odd. Do you know what has gone wrong?”
“Not what. Who.” Heimdall said. “Loki has ruined the humans, as he ruins everything.”
“Loki, is this true? Are you responsible for this?”
Loki shrugged. “I gave them my gift, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“And what, exactly, was that?” Heimdall asked.
“Disobedience.”
The other three gods all looked at Loki for a long moment. Heimdall’s eyes were wide with rage. “You gave them disobedience?”
Loki nodded. “Yeah. I gave them the ability to decide what they wanted to do, and to do that rather than what they were told. I also gave them dissatisfaction and restlessness so that they wouldn’t be content with lives of toil and monotony.”
Heimdall learned forward and leveled his finger at Loki. “You cannot do that. I created their civilization. It belongs to me, to direct as I see fit.”
“Not anymore.” Loki said. “Now it belongs to them.”
What follows below is my general disclaimer about what they are and are not.
The Lokean parables are not ‘real’ myths, whatever that means in a world where all of our stories were passed down in a malleable oral tradition and ultimately rewritten by Christian intermediaries. I suppose you could call them UPG, though I would argue that they are largely based on widely accepted heathen stories, just through a different filter.
I am assuming that the reader is already pretty familiar with the Eddas, particularly the Poetic Edda (Edward Pettit publishes an excellent and free version at Mimisbrunnr.info). The Lokean parables are a retelling of and commentary on these stories, in the vein of some of the more approachable midrash (like ‘Does God Have a Big Toe?’). You could think of them as Lokean midrash, but I went with the more neutral ‘parable’ to avoid appropriating a term from a closed practice (and, I am not a rabbi). In the long run, I’ll probably write more serious analyses of some of the source material. But we often absorb narrative more readily than exegesis, so I wanted to start there.
My intent with them is to provide a slightly different perspective on these stories. Most people who summarize the myths for a general audience parrot Snorri’s heavily Christianized interpretation of what happens and why. I have chosen to do something else. Hopefully other Lokeans will find them useful and interesting. They are not written to annoy or offend more orthodox heathens, but it would be disingenuous of me to apologize for any offense taken. Conflict is central to the old stories, or any story. In retelling that conflict from the other side, things are going to look a little different than they would in the standard Dictionary of Mythology.
