Would you be interested in Thor if he had multiple personalities and when he sleeps with loki and knocks him up the personalities fight over whose child it is?
The idea of Thor having multiple personalities is a bit bizarre to me. I mean, he’s such a grounded, stable, solid kind of guy (I feel like I’m about to make a lightning joke, and I swear I’m not), however… along those same lines…
What if, during the Infinity War fix-it scramble that will take place in Avengers 4 when Thor and the non-ashed Avengers are bouncing all over space and time with the recently-resurrected Loki in tow, Loki sleeps with all of the Thors because BROLO. He sleeps with the cocky young Thor from the first film. The desperate, deadpan brother from Avengers. The tense, suspicious, snappy Thor from The Dark World. The bit-more-relaxed, well-dressed Thor from Age of Ultron. And the crafty, cheerful Thor from Ragnarok.
Loki has sex with every single one of them and now he’s pregnant, and thanks to a temporal/multiverse glitch, he’s stuck in a room with all five of these different Thors, plus the jaded, heterochromiatic Thor from Infinity War who is trying to make sense of who the father really is.
In typical Loki Fashion™, Loki just smiles that big toothy smile of his and holds up his hands and says, “I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. The father is you, Thor.” He gestures to the gathered ensemble before turning to his short-haired brother from most recent history. “They are all you, and you are they. The child is certainly yours, and if it was conceived at a different time in the last seven years, what does it matter?”
“That isn’t the point, Loki,” Infinity Thor mutters. “The point is that you took advantage of our mission through time to have as much sex with me throughout history as you possibly could. It is grossly self-indulgent, even for you.”
“Yes, speaking of indulgence,” says Ultron Thor airily, “how many times did you have him, brother? Because he and I had sex at least sixteen times in the span of a week, so obviously it is my child he carries.”
“That cannot be true,” says Original Thor impetuously. “It is the quality that counts, not the quantity. Loki and I made love only once, but the child is surely mine. I am younger and more virile than all of you.”
“And certainly more naive,” mutters Dark Thor. “I ravished Loki in his cell daily, not counting all the times before and after his imprisonment.”
Avengers Thor steps in with his hands raised in truce. “Regardless of how many times we each, erm… enjoyed Loki’s company,” he says carefully, “there is no way of telling which of us sired the baby he now carries. And for that reason, we should not fight. We should rejoice. Loki is alive”—he puts his hand to his heart and sends Loki a warm grin—“and I think that is something for which we should all be grateful, don’t you agree?”
Loki returns the compliments with a coy fluttering of his eyelashes and a proud smirk.
“Our brother is right,” Infinity Thor admits after a few moments. He uncrosses his arms and strides over to stand beside Loki, putting a supportive hand on his back and another on his arm. He looks into his eyes tenderly and smiles. “Loki is alive and well, and now he is carrying the hope of a new alliance between Asgard and Jötunheim. Our father Odin was successful in achieving his ultimate wish, though I don’t think this was exactly what he had in mind. Nevertheless, peace is peace and we ought to be thankful for it.”
“I agree,” says Ragnarok Thor, nodding. “It doesn’t matter which of us is responsible for impregnating Loki. The past is the past. We must look towards the future.Besides, we are all fathers now.” He pauses and grins brightly with his hands in the air, waiting for a reaction. “Get it? All-Fathers?”
Dark Thor lowers his head and puts his hand over his eyes, agonized. Original Thor rolls his eyes while Ultron Thor facepalms and Avengers Thor groans.
Even Loki has to massage the bridge of his nose at the awful pun.
“I suppose it’s to be expected,” he says, looking up at the great six-in-one deal he’s been riding through the last seven years. “You’ve only just found out you’re going to be fathers, and you’re already making the worst dad jokes I’ve ever heard.”
Bonus: They all agree not to fight over who the father is anymore, but just before all the Thors must return to their regular time periods, the kinky Dark Thor poses the question, “I wonder if Loki could take all of us at once?”
To which Loki answers energetically, “That is an excellent question, Thor. I believe we have a few more hours together before we all must say farewell, so…” He jerks his thumbs in the direction of the bedroom. “Shall we?”
And that was how Loki won Best Bottom of the Year 2011-2019. 👍