#lolilo meta

[monstrous-femme]

UNEQUAL

A study on Fear and Desire in the LoLiLo Flat + Team Tent

@cardboardsean's post asking what the hell everyone is thinking in UNEQUAL got me excited, because BOY do I have opinions on this! Here is my comprehensive guide to what we can learn about each character from this episode.

Peter

Where's he's standing: Peter feels as though he has fucked up every relationship in his life, perhaps irrevocably. In many situations this makes him draw back, but when it comes to Hero and John, the ability to directly apologize seems to help him.

Desires: To see his brother and repair a relationship in which the other person fucked up more than he did, which helps him see himself as redeemable as well.

Fears: That he will be prevented from doing so, and the relationship will deteriorate.

What he's willing to do: For the first time in the narrative, we see how truly effective Peter can be when he wants to. His ability to push back against the rules in this instance to me says that he could make the rules go away entirely if he was willing to do the relational work to make that happen. He gathers the team, has a conversation, and gets his desired outcome in spite of almost nobody being in favor of it. Football captain energy, as Ben points out.

Balthazar

Where he's standing: Peter just literally decided that the rules don't have to apply in every situation almost immediately after a) Never at any point pushing back against the rules that prevent them from pursuing a relationship, and b) Not preventing Ben from uploading the punishment video. I would imagine that seeing that Peter can push back when he wants to badly enough makes him feel awful, which of course, since it's Balthazar, makes him passive-aggressive.

Desires: To see Peter happy, but also to stop being hurt by Peter's actions or inactions.

Fears: That Peter doesn't care about him enough to choose him, or worse, that Peter will keep halfway choosing him and forcing Balthazar to be the one to make a clean break.

What he's willing to do: Push back against the situation as much as he can without showing his hand. He's not asking why John's coming because he wants to know why Peter and his brother might like to see each other. He's asking, why is John important enough to break the rules for but not me? What can you tell me about this situation that might make it okay for me, or might at least prove to me that you don't care about me and I should leave? He expects Peter to hear the subtext of these questions because in many ways he still expects Peter to read his mind.

Ben

Where he's standing: Ben has absolutely no leg to stand on with Peter right now, and he's frustrated by this He's just stood by the rules when he shouldn't have, and now Peter is trying to make the rules conditional instead of concrete. Bea's furious with him about the tent situation, and if Peter fights for an exception and wins, all that does is highlight that Ben didn't do the same. He's scared of what this means for all of his relationships.

Desires: Proof that Bea loves him unconditionally, peace in the flat, evidence that he's in the right so he can remove his guilt and shame.

Fears: That Bea will leave him, that Peter and Balthazar will fall out and the flat will dissolve, that deep down he's a horrible shameful being who can't do anything correctly.

What he's willing to do: Place himself on the same side as Bea publicly. Make a video together in which they give themselves the moral high ground even though he absolutely just lost that conversation. Peter came out ahead in terms of getting what he wanted, but Ben still controls the narrative. He can still remind the internet that he's aware of things Peter won't admit (the longing gaze), and make a strong case for this situation being unfair.

Bea

Where she's standing: This trip has not gone as expected. The rules are real and affecting her life in a way they weren't from home. Now she's just learned that someone who hurt Hero is inviting someone else who hurt Hero to stay with them and get preferential treatment over her.

Desires: Proof that Ben loves her, the ability to SLEEP INDOORS, and I think in a more under-the-surface way, proof that she can hack this whole traveling thing.

Fears: That the rules are proof Ben will never fight for her, and that she may not be cut out for travelling even though it's what she's been working towards.

What she's willing to do: This is one of the few times in the flat in which her willingness and Ben's align. They are not fighting about whether she has to stay in a tent anymore. They are on the same side that it is unfair that John gets to stay indoors while she does not. This is the most united she and Ben have seemed since TEA, and there's a reason for it-- it helps alleviate both of their fears, even though it does not get at anything meaningful beneath the surface of those fears. They are both ruder to the others than they would usually be, and seem to be enabling this in each other in their desire to be on the same side.

Meg

Where she's standing: Imagine that your boyfriend, at the behest of another teenager, purposely has sex with you when he knows people are watching. Imagine he does this to hurt your best friend, and implicates you in this. Now the teenager who started the whole thing WANTS TO STAY IN THE SAME PLACE AS YOU WITH SPECIAL PRIVILEGES??? I would sue for emotional damages quite frankly. Meg isn't even in Wellington because she especially wants to be, she's there because she's supporting Bea and is part of team birdy-hands. Free Meg.

Desires: To sleep indoors and have a nice time with people she cares about. To heal from last year.

Fears: Being the lowest priority within the group, being treated as an afterthought.

What she's willing to do: Be a bitch about the situation. Fight for her needs. Force people to recognize that she's an active player here.

Freddie

Where she's standing: Freddie cannot deal with the fact that she is dating Kit. Freddie is unwilling to un-compartmentalize this relationship. Freddie is also unwilling to compromise.

Desires: To keep her life in safe, organized boxes so her feelings don't get unmanageable. To be in control.

Fears: Chaos, dissent.

What she's willing to do: Let Peter have his bending of the rules so that he doesn't break them entirely. We've seen her do this before! She will retroactively say something is within the rules rather than admit the rules don't make sense! She's also willing to alienate Kit so that she retains her own feelings of safety.

Kit

Where he's standing: Darling, calm Kit is attempting to stand in no man's land. But Kit is more like Balthazar than I think we give him credit for. He's bothered by being kept at arm's length, even if I think he has more compassion for Freddie's position than Balth does for Peter's. He says they should do "what's best for the people," which is a non-answer if I've ever heard one. I am obsessed with this man. No one wants what's best for the people.

Desires: Everyone gets along peacefully, zero conflict, Freddie relaxes just a little bit so they can explore this relationship.

Fears: Pushing Freddie too hard so that she's pushed away. Probably also losing the flat in general, since he doesn't even have somewhere to go back to like Meg and Bea if it all goes to shit.

What he's willing to do: Sacrifice his own position and stakes in the issue to kind of agree with everyone. Stay in a tent to stay close to Freddie.

TLDR: everyone's different desires, fears and willingness are an absolute delicious cocktail (read: shitshow) in UNEQUAL, and then that cocktail is filtered through Bea and Ben's perspective so we don't even see what we're not seeing. An absolute delight of an episode.

[areadingturtle]

AHHHHHH

1. FREDDIE IS A SOPHOMORE??? Girl. Love of my life. My god. You didn't need this freshman drama. (But also like, low-key that makes sense. She also didn't get her entire social circle destroyed in this. She had other friends from last year. Good for Freddie.)

2. I thought Ben was the HIGHT of attractiveness watching this the first time. (And Jake's an attractive guy don't get me wrong, but) He definitely looks like some freshman dweeb. Adorable. But also so young. Like he really was just some young dweeb. And I was hormonal and 16. And now I prefer my partners to not look like college freshman. I love that past me had awakening to this man and I love that I cannot see it anymore. This is good.

3. LITTLE BABY BALTHY YES ITS YOU OH MY GOD HELLO DARLING... uhem. I missed him your honor. He has only beccome more baby as I get older then him. I need to give him tea and a hug and therepy.

4. I didn't mean to do this by character, but also, Peter, my Beloved. I remember watching him come through that door and realizing that they didn't "go outside." I let that hit me. Oh my god. He is (I am) in such a dark place and there is nowhere to go but up.

5. Ben's slideshow is all about him and Bea. That's fucking adorable. Also NMTD is so good. Also that's a Legit summery of NMTD! If you were walking into this show blind, that is a really decent summary of what (Ben thought) it was about (in 20 seconds.)

6. @beatriceeagle hi! I'm going to go read the meta! I'm going to be writing my own meta (about musical theater) on a new sideblog ( @sondheimbegins ) and I wouldn't be the critic, historian, and academic I am today without you and those metas. If this rewatch is about reflection and reconnecting, then I cannot do this or any of it without shouting you out and thanking you.

7. All in all, I think I forgot just what an effective first episode this is!!! They are totally introducing all of the characters, completely effectively, and the setting and relationships are so so clear!

I am so excited about this rewatch and I am so proud of the small role I've had in bringing it together. I am so happy to be back in the tag with you all.

[beatriceeagle]

"Oh Brother" anon here - thanks for the quick response! I didn't realize the song was repurposed instead of written for LoLiLo, that's actually really interesting. I've been overthinking about the "I'm a joke and he's 'too cool'" line, though, like, if we take it that it IS actually talking about Kit and Freddie rather than Peter and Balthazar, because Kit doesn't seem like the sort of person who thinks of himself as a joke, and I don't think Freddie is "too cool" by any definition, but (1/2)

(2/2) maybe Kit actually is more self-conscious than he lets on about being the sort of guy who does stuff like "forget to apply to university", when he looks at himself compared to hyper-organized political-family Going-Places-TM Freddie? It's an interesting thing to think about.

I agree, that line has always read as very in-line with the Balthazar and Peter dynamic (particularly in the NMTD era). And although I think Freddie is very cool (in a very particular kind of way) I don't think that's at all what's driving the issues in her and Kit's relationship at the time, even in Kit's head. It's actually making me think about Kit's rambling in "Gifts?!" about how confusing Freddie's cliche expressions of love are, and how they usually make fun of that sort of thing. If Kit was really concerned about feeling like he was a joke and Freddie was too cool to express her love for him, I don't think that would be the dynamic that he described (or at least, not one that he described positively).

But the entire situation must be really emotionally destabilizing, even for someone who's as chill and self-possessed as Kit is. Like oh, okay, we're dating, but you won't tell anyone because... you want to win your rules contest with Ben? You don't even want to follow the rules, you just don't want to be seen breaking them? Wow, that makes me feel so special and important! I could see that feeling to Kit, not necessarily like he is a joke, but like their relationship kind of is—and especially after sharing his feelings with Balthazar, which he clearly has, that feels like wording that might come up from their shared experiences.

One of the things I've always loved about LoLiLo, and the thing that for me gives it so much rewatch value, is the way that the ambiguity invites so many readings, and in particular invites you to weigh different details differently depending on what you're thinking about. I'd never thought deeply about the relationship dynamic that Kit describes in "Gifts?!" before, but viewing "Oh Brother" as a Kit song really opens it up to me, even if I still don't fully know what to make of it.

[the-cabeswater-five]

so i made a post about how underrated lolilo’s understanding of the limits of the vlog is, and then i started writing some stuff and realized that i see lolilo as a masterclass in telling a realistic and vlog styled story so here it is!

@beatriceeagle 's metas have inspired me so much so there are probably more than a few references and similar themes to her amazing metas right here

and spoilers for lolilo and ntls!

one of the first things that struck me when i watched nlts for the first time was that it had very similar goals in mind to lolilo when it came to storytelling.  for both, the reason for creating the vlog was intrinsically tied into the plot, both tried to make it as realistically “vlog styled” as possible, both dealt with the issue of putting too much on the internet, and both had an original plot or very nearly so.  

1. a reason for vlogging intrinsically tied in with the plot

in nlts, george bates begins vlogging again because of rosalind and orlando ask him to film a series about love to play at their wedding.  lolilo begins because ben misses his “benaddicts” but later in the series, we find out that it was due to his stress in school.  nlts focuses on the a plot motivation for the most part and lolilo focuses on an emotional one, although the reason affects the plot and emotional arcs of both series as well.   

here, lolilo and nlts differ in their ways of concluding the series.

nlts ends their plot before the emotional journey, with the real last plot moment being the wedding and bates and gleeson getting back together.  the emotional arc ends one episode later in “the discussion”. and then the two-part goodbyes begin right after that.

the reason why this ending feels unsatisfactory to me is because the pacing is so quick, with four resolutions following right after each other in perfect succession.  it ties up everything too neatly and makes the show feel more like a series of plot events instead of a story.  i think that’s a big part of why some people feel that bates and gleeson getting back together was too abrupt because we are missing the crucial emotional and not plot scenes that help the viewer root for them.  

the major issue nlts had with concluding their story was because the reason for vlogging was motivated by plot reasons and since they concluded their plot before they concluded the emotional arcs, the emotional conclusions didn’t have enough to go off of, leading to an ending that felt unsatisfying.

lolilo doesn’t have a perfect ending (and there are lots of people who hate the ending a lot) but it wraps up the stories in a more satisfactory way.  In lolilo, the emotional arcs end first in “RUSSIANFUDGE” or even “ACCOSTED”, when the flatmates finally understand that the rules and their general situation is making them unhappy.  this helps propel the plot to the conclusion, instead of the plot propelling the emotional arc and makes the conclusion more meaningful and satisfactory.  it also gives the characters more space to reach the conclusion of the plot in a way that is meaningful and realistic.  

and that’s why even though the ending plot-wise seemed abrupt and too sudden, there isn’t a sense that we missed some big emotional development in the story of lolilo that gets cut off in order to end the series.  @beatriceeagle has some great meta about “FAREWELL” and how it fits into the story of lolilo as a liw right here that pretty much sums up how i feel about that episode but tl;dr it fits both into the theme of getting out of your own way and continues with the natural progression of the story to facing the problems of the world that can’t be controlled.  while it may not be the most satisfying conclusion, thematically, emotionally, and realistically it makes sense.  

having a reason for vlogging that is tied to emotional arcs is crucial for building the realism of a series.  it keeps the story flowing naturally, since much of what we do is dictated by our emotions, not a framework plot, and it softens the ending of the series.  while i personally prefer the ending of emotional arcs before the plot arcs because it adds to the realism of the series, vlog styled liws that end with the emotional arc fit the rom-com feel of the genre better and honestly are pretty amazing.  

and this is going to be a four-parter!  tune in at some unknown time to hear more!

[beatriceeagle]

Ok so follow-up to the timeline question (sorry, I’m re-watching the series and just discovered your meta, so I am now re-obsessed): Since we know that Peter is already upset in one foot but still manages to be friendly up through the end of the year, why do you think that angst suddenly gets dialed up when they get to Wellington? How does he suddenly go from agreeing to live with Balth to pushing him away entirely? Obviously any answer is total speculation but I’m just curious what others think

"Let's Speculate About Peter" should probably be the name of my blog, honestly. (Singing it to the tune of "Let's Generalize About Men" from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.)

Okay, as you say, most of this is more vibes-based than anything I can tie to cold hard evidence. But I think to answer your question I need to start at the end: How did Peter go from agreeing to live with Balth to pushing him away entirely?

And the answer to that is that he didn't. At no point in the series, and I think probably at no point before the series, does Peter push Balthazar away entirely. Even at his absolute most self-destructive, even when he's deliberately picking fights and coming home drunk, even when he's shouting that Balthazar doesn't need to hold his fucking hand, Peter is always still reaching out to Balth in some ways, some of the time. They do homework together, and Peter invites Balthazar to town with him ("VACUUMING"). They go in together on Hero's birthday present ("Birthday Presents"). Even in "RULES," probably six hours after their huge blow-up in "TOWN," he agrees to Vegan Fridays as soon as Balthazar offers to cook.

The issue that Balthazar had with Peter, pretty much from the beginning (other than that he really, really wanted Peter to stop self-destructing) was that Peter was sending mixed signals. There's a loaded look, then Peter skips his gig. Peter invites Balthazar out for a night on the town, then shouts that he's not his boyfriend. Chickens out on the "CHICKEN" kiss, then tries to kiss him in "Stay."

So when it comes to his behavior towards Balthazar, at least, Peter's actions at the beginning of LoLiLo aren't really a sharp break; it's more of a gradual decline, with lots of ups and downs along the way. And I think that's true of Peter's emotional state generally. He was deeply unhappy in "one foot," and he was deeply unhappy in "RETURNS." And because there's clear evidence of times he wasn't unhappy in the interim, it feels like there needs to be some direct, obvious cause for the downturn, when I think really it was more that he got gradually less and less able to suppress the feelings that were always there. If you were going to look for a direct stressor, I guess I would say that being away from home and suddenly exposed to a lot more alcohol probably did not help. But that's not really a cause—it's just a coping mechanism that causes more problems.

I don't have a ton of direct evidence for that reading, but I think it works in tandem with the push-pull thing Peter had going on with Balthazar, as well—Peter pushes Balth away when he's feeling particularly self-loathing, and pulls towards him when he's feeling lonely or happy, and so the fact that that dynamic has been going on pretty much unbroken kind of indicates that Peter's emotional swings have been too. And you know, we never talked about it much in the rewatch metas because, honestly, Balthazar is clearly taking the brunt of the emotional damage of that phase of their relationship, but I also imagine that the push-pull wasn't particularly healthy for Peter either! Like, he decides he's such a fuck-up that he needs to push Balthazar away, and now oh, look, he's made Balthazar unhappy, clearly he's an even bigger fuck up than he thought. I think once that cycle started it could probably feed into a lot of pre-existing bad thoughts.

[beatriceeagle]

Hey it's the forever LoLiLo obsessed chick in your inbox here to say that I'm re-reading the meta again. I swear it might be my favorite novel.

Any extra tidbits you wanna share? Or a where are they now (nearly 10 years later holyshit)

Hey! <3

Here's something I've turned over in my head once or twice: What do we think Hero does for work? I feel pretty settled in my idea, at least, of what most of the characters do for a living (although some of my takes are so controversial yet so brave) but I'm not sure about Hero! She's 24 years old, now. She could still be in school, I guess, or she could be working.

What do we think, NMTD Tumblr? What's Hero up to right now?

[beatriceeagle]

I love your theories about what “A Merry Note” and “New Beginning” are about, but do you have any thoughts on why they got uploaded when they did? Especially “A Merry Note”, because it seems to me that Peter and Balthazar weren’t really talking that much over the break (although what their relationship looked like post-one foot is still something I can’t wrap my head around). And for “New Beginning”, do you think that was peter-initiated, in an attempt to cheer a “freaking out” Balthazar up?

So many thoughts. Once upon a time, obsessively laying out the pre-Wellington timeline in LoLiLo was like half of what I thought about.

So just to lay out some timeline stuff that I think helps in this conversation, as I've mentioned before, I'm pretty sure that "New Beginnings" was uploaded at the wrong "in-universe" date. "A Merry Note" and "New Beginnings" are the first two videos on Peter's channel, and in the "Balth in a Bath" videos, set in February, Balth says that there are only two videos on the channel—but the upload date of "New Beginnings" is in March. So I think we can safely say that the intended in-universe upload date of "New Beginnings" is sometime in late January/early February, before the filming of "Balth in a Bath."

That in mind, it seems like the timeline of events is probably something like:

October 31, 2014: Ben films "one foot in sea."

November 1, 2014: Pedro attends Balthazar's gig, sees him talking to Damian, and leaves without talking to him.

November 2014: Balth and Damian get back together.

Late December, 2014: School ends. (Going by google for this one.)

December 24, 2014: "A Merry Note" uploaded.

January 1, 2015: Ben speaks to Balth and Peter at a New Year's party, and they agree to live together in Wellington.

January 2015 (no particular order):

Balth's family reunion

Balth and Damian break up

Late January/early February 2015 (in order):

flat move-in

"New Beginnings"

"Balth in a Bath"

(I can reference in-universe sources for all of this, but I'm trying to keep this relatively brief.)

So my takeaway from this, in combination with the vague things that the characters say about their emotional states at this point (and the tone of Balth's songs) is that Peter and Balth were distant and busy between "one foot" and "Balth in a Bath," but they weren't totally out of communication. They were very close friends, so they probably did hang out, especially before school ended. (And I do think "A Merry Note" was probably filmed before or very shortly after the end of classes.) They just weren't talking about anything meaningful during that time, in part because Balth was still dating Damian. (And then after Balth and Damian broke up, they were kind of scattered and busy and not seeing each other.) And so I would imagine "A Merry Note" came out of what was, on the surface, a pretty normal hang-out. Talking about and making music is just one of the ways that Peter and Balth communicate.

As for "New Beginnings," I think it was probably an honest communication of Balth's emotional state at that point! He would have written and recorded it before "Balth in a Bath," before Peter went off the rails, before he himself got overloaded with school. I really do think that Balth viewed the move to Wellington as a fresh start, a chance at a new beginning. He'd just graduated, he'd just broken up with someone with whom he clearly had some baggage, he was in a new town and starting a new phase of his life—optimism seems really reasonable there.

It's just that we only get to see about 15 total minutes out of that time period, so it reads as very odd from the vantage point of the rest of LoLiLo.

[beatriceeagle]

HI ITS ME IM MAKING MY BOYFRIEND WATCH NMTD AND LOLILO AND I GOTS A QUESTION FOR METAING

What extent does Pedro's crush on Beatrice affect LoLiLo?

Ah, this is refreshing. I haven't overthought LoLiLo in such a long time.

If what you're asking is whether Pedro's NMTD-era crush affects LoLiLo, the answer seems to be straightforwardly yes. Pedro's crush leads to him asking Bea out in "All Round Great Guy," which leads to her rejecting him, which leads to him flipping out all over the back half of the series, which leads directly to the events of "one foot," and also indirectly to his protracted breakdown in between NMTD and LoLiLo. So the crush is foundational: Remove it and the major events of both series just don't happen.

However, I'm guessing you're asking about it in an ongoing way—that is, how much does Peter's old crush continue to affect events in LoLiLo? And that's harder to settle.

No one ever explicitly references Peter's crush in LoLiLo. "All Round Great Guy" isn't even included in either of Ben's ten-second montages! I assume the reason no one ever mentions it is the same as the reason that no one but Peter ever explicitly mentions the events of Hero's birthday—those are very emotionally raw events, and these people are all ostensibly friends who don't want to hurt each other.

But there are implicit references to Peter's crush. When Ben and Peter start locking heads in "RULES," for instance, Ben makes a roundabout reference: "I assume you're alluding to Rule #5, and my long-distance, happy relationship that doesn't need to be tangled with any more conceit from you, Peter." (And then, later: "And unlike you, I'm in a happy, stable relationship.")

We know from "one foot" that Ben is aware of Peter's motivations in "MAKEUP BLOOPERS"—he knows it was a kind of fucked up thing Peter was trying to do, and he knows that Peter was doing it because Bea rejected him. He knows Peter knows that, because they talked about it in "one foot." So although this isn't a direct reference to Peter's crush, it kind of dances up to the edge of being one.

Peter himself never even comes close to bringing the subject up—he references "MAKEUP BLOOPERS" briefly in "*CLASSIFIED INFORMATION*," but in a very lighthearted way that entirely elides any ulterior motives. But there are moments where it's clearly on his mind. I'm thinking of the shot in "*CLASSIFIED INFORMATION*" where the camera pans over to Peter looking at Bea and Ben cuddling, and of the stretch of "TEA" where he less obviously does the same thing.

Unfortunately, we never get much evidence for whether Bea is still thinking about it. But she can't possibly have forgotten.

I think that to the extent that Peter's crush influences LoLiLo, it mostly does so indirectly, by making up a small part of the tapestry of factors that determine how the characters feel about each other at any given time. Sometimes, with Ben and Peter, there seems to be some lingering resentment. Sometimes, with Peter and Bea, there seems to be some lingering wistfulness. None of this is really a huge factor in the present-day events, but the characters still remember it, and feel things about it, and sometimes those feelings bubble up in ways that likely do influence the plot. For instance, I don't think that Peter's old crush on Bea caused the rules, but I do think that it was one of a number of undercurrents in Peter and Ben's relationship that made their relationship unstable, which then led to the rules. I don't think that Peter seeing Bea caused him to start to pursue Balthazar in "TEA," but I do think it was one of a number of factors that led to him reconsidering that relationship. And so on.