Jan 29
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I’m in a real colorful mood atm and also I feel like I need somethng to make my art better but I don’t quite know what
Catasis
esto se que pasara sin pena ni gloria. aun así por si alguien le interesa. llevo desde que inicio mi pubertad hasta hoy en día como Ermitaño. salgo, ir a la escuela/trabajo, volver a casa. omitiendo el periodo del coronapaluzza. hasta la semana pasado. con casi 30 años me estoy arrepiento. las pocas amistades que eh tenido terminaron arruinado y tengo bastante inseguridad para renovar.
en fin. gracias
What happened in these 10 years?
Ten years. So much time, yet so fleeting. Now, about to turn thirty, I said I would do a lot of things, but in the end, I did nothing, partly due to my own insecurity, partly due to external pressure.
Even so, I've experienced things that marked me: disloyalty, betrayals, loves with feet of clay, etc., etc. I'm torn between repairing the mask of a good person or surrendering to my deepest darkness. "Autistic people are little angels, they live in a world without worries or evil"… Me, with all the sadness, hatred, and resentment from the depths of my heart.
A year after finishing high school, I was adrift. I had more or less decided which path I wanted to follow, but between a significant financial loss and passive-aggressive comments from my parents, I tore off those wings and decided to study something that was in demand where I live. For a while, things were going well. Sometimes I have breakdowns, but everything changed when someone approached me. At first, we got along well, sharing conversations, lunch on the days we went around midday, and good company. But time ended up deteriorating our friendship, to the point that she realized I was harassing her, and her world crumbled.
2019 wandered by, unaware of what the following year would bring, still recovering from what had happened. I still felt like an emotional zombie, waging an internal war, a hell raging since the previous year, longing to uproot my wounded soul, studying something, until a question began to fill the air with love, or perhaps it was another poison.
In 2020, my normality wasn't altered, despite the existence of an extremely contagious virus. My reality wasn't altered at all. Well, actually, I'm lying; something did alter it.
It was love. An excellent time to have a relationship, right? Especially one that was cross-border. In the end, that flame died. The end of the pandemic was approaching, but it was just a funeral for two hearts. It hurt, yes, but the cry of “Blyat Traktor” suppressed that pain.
Between the romance with feet of clay and its inevitable end, someone else crossed my path. A person just as broken as me, just as resilient, and if they overcome their insecurities, they could conquer the world. I admit I felt some kind of attraction, but it wasn't romantic or sexual; it was like seeing myself in a mirror. But mirrors can break. Amid laughter, sleepless nights, and extremely questionable comments, responsibility knocked on my door. At first, it wasn't so bad. We still had time to continue. But when my responsibilities increased and time became limited, the conflicts began. Until one day, two broken souls parted without saying goodbye.
The main disadvantage of being autistic and a hermit is not knowing how to market yourself sexually, nor how to find a more serious relationship.
I have a conflict.
Hi everyone. I know this post will probably go unnoticed or even be deleted by a moderator. It doesn't matter. The point is, I want to have sex. The problem is, I'm autistic (Type 1/Asperger's) and went through a period of total social isolation during adolescence and early adulthood. I only went out to high school. I tried to be more open, and unfortunately, some horrible things happened. I don't know, I don't have anything else to add. Now, you might ask, "Why didn't you try with someone affectionate?" Therein lies the other part of the conflict: a sense of morality. Not wanting to finance the suffering of other people, mainly women. Now, in the past, desire and morality were relatively peaceful, even getting along well. But, as I approach my thirties, desire is putting more pressure on morality.
[Lonery Poetry]
When people become lonely
Apparently, they think of everything
Realize everything
Wish for everything
Atone for everything...
Still in the depths of my heart
A flickering lamp
The thread I carved and vowed to in the light
is still hard and won't come undone
I know it's a little late, but I'm glad it was you
Really...
It's not because of my illness
I'm sure my still, weak heart
When you became you
I became a very small person
A shard of broken glass
is still stuck in my left chest
I know it's a little late, but I'm glad it was you
Really...
Someday I'll surpass you, who became a ghost
Tomorrow, someday, someday
It'll definitely be sunny