i think, ultimately, the problem is that i dont want to get better.
its more nuanced than that, obviously. i would love to be better. i would love to exist and grow without pain and suffering and just. i want to be better.
but better for me doesnt ever look like that. the best hand ill get is a life of constantly fighting to feel stable, to be anything resembling ok. ill never be over this and ill never have to stop fighting and its. so fucking hard.
i try to see hope in the every day. i love my friends with everything ive got, i do the things that make me happy, i make my own joy where i can but. its never enough. its never going to be enough. none of these things are ever going to outweigh the burden of everything else. i get so fucking drained trying to live a normal life, i cant even do half the things a person is expected to do to exist. i dont think i ever will.
i think. i dont think the person i would be if i was better is someone i truly want to be, either. i dont think im fun to be around or a particularly good friend or anything. i find myself abrasive and too intense and in general, not someone people truly enjoy, and it would only be worse if i wasnt weighed down by my own issues. i dont think the person i am or would be is someone worth fighting for. and i know, i know i would never think these things about anyone else but. here we are. here i am. acknowledging it takes work to find stability and i dont want to, dont have the energy to, the motivation to put that work in for myself.
i wish i did. i really wish i did but i cant change the fact that i dont. the future is a black hole of nothingness and misery for me and no amount of small hopes change that.
the future is the night sky and yes, theres sparks of light in there, but theres so, so much darkness to get through to find them.
im gonna log off now for a bit i think, if youve got me somewhere else ill probably still be reachable there (or as reachable as i ever am, i guess) but i think im gonna take some space to think things over.
i appreciate everything anyone has ever done for me but you cant help me if i cant help myself, and i dont expect you to.
i want the world for you, i want you to keep fighting and find hope and have happy and fulfilling lives surrounded by love. i hope you can have that. working on getting better is so hard, but i hope the world is kind to you, i hope your effort is worth it. i hope you keep being someones star, because i know you were mine. i love you.
