John Walker thoughts because my flashlight ran out and also so did my chill
Okay so first: I do not agree with John Walker. He makes terrible choices. He murders people. He loses it. I am not saying he’s a good guy. But if you actually look at the context? The emotional, mental, human context? He makes… sense. Not excusable sense, but understandable sense.
He wasn’t thinking clearly. He was grieving Lemar. He was carrying the serum, which literally warps your brain and amplifies everything you feel. And what if it was Bucky and Steve instead of Lemar? Or Sam and Bucky? Or even just someone he loved and lost while trying to be a symbol of something bigger than himself? He was trapped between grief, guilt, power, and expectation, and the world demanded he be perfect anyway. He had no space to just be a human beingin a situation that was impossible to survive emotionally.
And also… Midwest emo. Like. Very clearly Midwest emo. I don’t normally post music stuff but hear me out: Be Nice To Me by The Front Bottoms just… screams John Walker. The metaphors hit too hard:
“You’re a flashlight in a dark room… but the batteries ran out.” Lemar is the flashlight. The thing that kept John grounded, kept him human, kept him anchored when everything else is chaos. When Lemar dies? The batteries are gone. John is stumbling blind, still trying to do right, still trying to hold it together, and failing because he literally has no guide.
“You’re a werewolf and I’m a full moon.” John believes he causes everything bad. The serum, his anger, his impulsiveness — he’s the storm. Lemar is caught in it, hurt because of him, and John carries the guilt like a boulder that won’t budge.
All the lines about breaking, failing, lying, and screaming into the void? That’s John screaming into the world after Lemar dies. That’s him trying to make sense of a world that won’t make sense, trying to be the symbol he’s supposed to be, while the person who kept him human is gone.
Some comic context for the record: John is literally canonically a US Agent in the comics, trained to be the government’s “perfect” patriotic soldier. He kills villains under orders, struggles with authority and morality, and has a really messy emotional life in canon too. MCU just… condensed all the trauma into one intense arc with Lemar and the serum.
The song isn’t justification. It’s devastation. It’s guilt. It’s grief and rage and self-loathing all tangled together. John is violent and wrong and dangerous and also… heartbreakingly human. He’s angry, he’s scared, he’s desperate, he’s trying to do the right thing in a world that won’t let him. And he will never be allowed to be a human who fails, because the serum and the government and the symbol he carries won’t let him exist quietly.
So yeah. I don’t condone him. I think he’s terrifying. I think he’s tragic. I think he makes the worst possible mistakes over and over. But I get him. I get the grief. I get the guilt. I get the way the world can take one small mistake and spiral you into hell. And the Midwest emo in him is real and delicious and sad and I am fully here for it.
A cruise for one. (wall of text after the break)
If you are Facebook friends with me you’re probably aware, but I’m currently in the process of actually trading the FRS in for a new car (just waiting for the dealership to get the title of the car I’m buying). It’s not that I don’t love the 86, but the car I’m buying is something I’ve always wanted but never thought I could afford (Instagram will see what it is soon enough). I’m still in love with the 86 platform and I’m so happy Toyota decided to build it.
This is a piece of creative writing I did as an exercise in character integration and world-building. It is based off the universe of one of my favorite manga series called 07-Ghost. I love this series in part because it has one of the most interesting and complete worlds I have ever seen in a manga. There’s lore, culture, and religion, so just be aware!
Please do NOT reupload, use, or download my pieces without asking my permission!
Chapter 1: Not All Who Travel Are Lost
The three of them had not expected such a huge crowd. It had only been a few hours since they had entered the gate of the first district. Frankly, they had several misgivings initially. The customs were both trying and time-consuming. Furthermore, this city was simply too big- especially for three young musicians. Then again, this was the heart of the shining Barsburg Empire.
Famous for its highly industrialized economy and overwhelming military presence, the Barsburg Empire was a proud kingdom and it was evident that the first district was designed with that pride in mind. Every little detail, from the neatly arranged stones of the paved streets, to the shape of the windows on buildings, to the sleek black aircrafts circling the sky like birds of prey was a monument to the Empire’s penchant for constant innovation, driven pragmatism, and crushing power. Even for the most seasoned of travelers, there was no denying how daunting it truly was to walk through the gates of the first district. That was just the way the Empire wanted it.
Today, however, the everyday tension and imperious aura was softer. It was almost as if a warm, kind wind had blown through the first district. Carrying through the neat streets and between the large stalls in the bazaar before gently fading away, was a merry tune. Any passersby traveling anywhere near the central plaza would notice that there was a large crowd standing in a circle and steadily growing. As people trickled in, adding to the volume of the impromptu gathering, it became clearer and clearer who the center of the attention was.
“Well, well...seems like we’ve got a surprisingly large crowd, big bro,” a young blonde boy holding a wooden flute grinned, taking a break from his playing and directing his question at the other blonde boy a little ways away.
“Mhm…” the older boy agreed, eyes closed as he moved in time with the jaunty music he was playing on his fiddle. “I’m surprised, too, but the real question is...are they here for us? Or are they here for her?” Here, he opened his eyes and directed his pale icy gaze at the whirl of scarlet in front of them. Not too far in front of the two brothers was another figure. Her movement was a little too much for the average person to track with the naked eye, however, it was still quite a sight to see. Hardly distinguishable from the crimson swathes of cloth engulfing her, was a girl. It was clear that she was dancing in time to the music created by her siblings. Step, step, one, two, one two, spin around, and do it all again. Everything from the flick of her white blonde hair, to the delicate impact of her hand on the worn tambourine she was holding, to the steady rhythm of the heels of her boots on the stones of the street suggested that she had been doing this for awhile. Her dancing, though not professional, per se, was a bright, whimsy execution of motion that made everyone from the spritely children to the stiff elderly want to jump into the circle and move with her. The bouncy, quirky harmony created by the relationships between the thin, wiry sound of the fiddle, the smooth, chipper voice of the flute, and the steady jingle of the tambourine was contagious. Soon enough, the main plaza of the first district was filled with a warm and joyous atmosphere. Juxtaposed against the domineering aesthetic of their surroundings, the trio of young musicians was truly stunning and together, they shone like a beacon, drawing in the surrounding passersby like a moth drawn to a flame.
A little ways outside of the steadily growing ring of spectators, two people passed by. As the two walked past, the little girl- who appeared to be the younger of the two- stopped in her tracks to take in the sight before her eyes. The older one of the two- a boy- halted in his stride as well upon noticing that she had stopped her forward motion.
“Hey, why’d you stop walking?” the boy asked, frowning slightly as he returned to the little girl’s side. “Rinka...Mom’s going to get upset if I don’t get you back before I have to return to the Academy.” The little girl pouted before turning back to the large crowd forming a little ways away from her.
“I know, Mikage!” She chirped, eyes fixated on the crowd. “But, I just want to see what’s going on over there! It looks like something interesting!” Then, as if to prove her point, she started hopping up and down in a valiant effort to see past the adults in front of her. The one called Mikage blinked, amber eyes furrowing in as he gave a defeated sigh.
“Fine, we can go take a look, but only a quick one, okay? Then I need to take you back home,” he said, face breaking into a soft smile.
“Really?” Rinka gasped, eyes lighting up like saucers at his admission. “You’re the best big brother ever!” With that, she launched herself at her brother, almost knocking the wind out of him as she latched onto his waist in an overjoyed hug.
“Oof! Okay, okay, let’s hurry and go look!” Mikage laughed good-naturedly. “Here, I’ll put you on my shoulders so you can see, okay?” With an ecstatic nod from his little sister, Mikage hoisted her small frame onto his shoulders, putting her just above everyone else’s heads.
“Wow! It’s so high up!” His little sister laughed brightly, placing her small hands in her older brother’s blonde hair in an attempt to stabilize herself.
“Hey, hey! Don’t pull while you’re up there!” He chided her, unable to keep a smile from stretching across his face.
“I’m sorry, big brother,” she apologized sheepishly.
“Don’t worry about it, just be careful,” Mikage instructed her carefully, much like how a mother would to her child. “Also, you’re going to have to do be me a favor while you’re up there.”
“A favor?”
“Mhm...I can’t really see what’s going on when you’re on my shoulders like this.”
“Isn’t that because you’re kind of short, big brother?”
“Hey!” Mikage threw a disapproving look up at his younger sister. “It’s too dangerous to push to the front with you in tow. Also, I’m not that short! I’m 5’ 6’!” Rinka laughed happily before turning her gaze back to the scene in front of her.
“Okay, big brother, I won’t make fun of you anymore. I know you’re big and strong- that’s why you decided to go to school at the Military Academy!” Rinka exclaimed proudly. Mikage pursed his lips.
“Thanks, but I would much rather be spending time with you and Kohaku.”
“Aww, big brother, you’re so nice! Kohaku and I miss you a lot, but...we know you’re doing super important things for our family. That’s why I’ll tell you what’s going on!” Mikage laughed at his little sister’s frank admission.
“Okay, Rinka. Now tell your big brother what’s going on in the middle of this gigantic circle.” Rinka nodded firmly, eyes determined as she resolved to do her best to give her brother a good description of what was going on.
“Well...there’re...three people in the middle. One boy, one girl, and...and...another boy, I think? The first boy is playing a violin and the other boy is playing a flute. It’s a really happy song!”
“Oh yeah? What about the girl?” Mikage encouraged his little sister, letting the fun, earthy song envelop his person as he began swaying slightly. “What’s she doing? Is she pretty? What does she look like?” After throwing some questions to prompt Rinka, Mikage felt her shift a little on his shoulders as she leaned forward a little more.
“Um...can we get a little closer, big brother? We’re a little too far for me to tell you anything specific,” Rinka asked.
“Hm? Oh, sure, I’ll try- hold onto me real tight, okay?” With that, Mikage pushed his way closer to the front,taking care not to send his little sister toppling off his shoulders. Whether it was just because he was closer, or maybe because people in the front were noticeably shorter than the ones at the back, he could finally see most of what was going on at the center.
“Well, Rinka?” He prompted her, looking up at her.
“Right! Hm...well the girl is dancing. It’s kind of hard to see her, but I think she has a tambourine in her hands.”
“I see…” Mikage hummed, telling his sister that he was listening and wanted her to go on.
“Umm...ohhh~ she has really pretty blonde hair! It’s almost white! Oh! And she has a really big, shiny flower in her hair.”
“Oh?” He perked up, transferring his weight to the balls of his feet as he tried to get a closer look at the trio without destabilizing Rinka. Unfortunately, his efforts were in vain considering all he managed was a brief glance at the three musicians: a tall, slender blonde boy with the violin, a shorter, slight blonde boy with the flute, and a couple of long, blonde strands of the girl’s hair. Within seconds, his view was obscured as the spectators in front of him began to move in time to the sudden jump in the music. He cursed inwardly, but then gave up, closing his eyes and letting himself ride the waves of the score.
With a final flourish, the musicians put down their instruments. From the audience, cries of despair bubbled up as they realized that their entertainment had finally come to an end. As the crowd watched, the two blonde boys stepped forward to line up with their sister, forming an even line across the front of the spectators.
“Thank you!” they said in unison. “...For coming to support us!” With that, the three of them bowed deeply. A round of applause started, rising in volume as more and more of the audience lent their hands to the rabble to show their appreciation for the young and unexpected performers. The three musicians straightened back up and shared a smiling look between themselves before returning their attention to their numerous spectators. With a nod, the oldest boy stepped forward as if preparing to speak.
“For your precious time, we, the Ayers family, would like to extend our gratitude,” he announced, mouth breaking into a delicate smile. The audience murmured amongst themselves- this boy’s speech was not that of a rag-tag nomadic musician struggling to survive, but the jargon of an educated, eloquent person of the gentry.
“Wow, he’s like a prince, don’tcha think, big bro?” Rinka whispered to her brother.
“Mm,” Mikage nodded before returning his attention back to the performers.
“We are eternally grateful for your support, but if you will allow us to steal just a little more from you...” The boy smiled in a teasing manner, garnering a couple of shrieks from some of the female crowd.
“If you would be willing to donate just a couple of yuus, it would really help us out!” the younger one quipped, picking up from where his elder brother left off. “We’re trying to help out our family back home, so anything would help!” He smiled brightly, eyes sparkling with anticipation and hope. His pure smile was enough to melt the hearts the parents and grandparents in the crowd.
“Please continue to support us. We love to perform for all of you and we would love to keep doing so in the future!” The girl chipped in, finishing off their pitch.
“Once again, thank you for having us!” The three Ayers bowed deeply once more and the crowd broke into a large smattering of applause once again.
After the crowd began to disperse, the three siblings collected themselves and conglomerated behind the older brother’s open violin case.
“Well, I’m glad that went well,” the oldest brother said, taking a deep breath in relief.
“Yeah, I can’t believe that many people showed up!” the youngest one grinned, packing away his wooden flute carefully. “But then again, Mitsue, I think that most of the girls were here for you.” Mitsue frowned as he plucked at his violin strings nonchalantly.
“Oh, come on, Yuki. You’re giving me too much credit .I think Maiko had a hand in bringing in the boys, though,” Mitsue said, casting a teasing look at his younger sister.
“Well...I guess that’s true. I am the only girl between the three of us,” She said, pursing her lips as she wrapped a thin, crimson shawl around her shoulders before grinning at her younger brother. “But...that’s arguable, considering the amount of people who mistake Yuki for a girl.”
“Hey!” Naoyuki snapped, putting his hands on his hips in defiance as Mitsue and Maiko burst into laughter. “I’m just hitting my stride! I’ll be taller than Mitsue before you know it!” With a sniff, he snapped his head to one side in a gesture of irritation.
“You keep telling yourself that, Yuki,” Mitsue snickered, covering his mouth delicately to hide the massive grin spreading across his face.
“Aw, stop giving him a hard time, Mitsue!” Maiko chided, lightly smacking her older brother on the arm. Yuki snorted as Mitsue winced ever so slightly. Soon, the three were in fits of good-natured laughter.
“Um...excuse me?” Another voice interrupted their incessant giggling, taking them all by surprise. The trio turned to see who the newcomer was.
“Oh, hello,” Mitsue greeted the new boy, regaining his composure. “How can I help you?” At this point, the boy with the peculiar x-shaped scar on his right cheek turned his gaze to something, or rather, someone, behind him.
“Well, Rinka?” He coaxed softly. “Why don’t you show these three people what you found?” After a moment’s hesitation, a small girl peeked out from behind his legs. Her eyes widened as she saw who her brother was talking to. As she tried to retreat, her big brother stopped her, giving her a small frown and kneeled in front of her.
“Hey...didn’t you want to give the girl something?” He whispered to Rinka. “Now’s your chance!”
“I...I know, but I’m scared, Mikage…” Rinka murmured back, twiddling her fingers.
“Don’t be- I’ll be right here,” Mikage smiled gently, taking one of her small hands in his.
“O-Okay…” Rinka stammered.
“Remember what I said? If you’re nervous, first…”
“...Take a deep breath.”
“Good, you got it!” Rinka grinned proudly before returning her attention back to the three strangers waiting for her to speak. She took a deep breath and shuffled forward ever so slightly. not letting go of her big brother’s hand.
“Here!” She chirped, summoning her courage and holding out one of her tiny hands. “You dropped this, pretty lady!”
“Go ahead, don’t be shy, Yuki,” Mitsue muttered to his younger brother. Naoyuki’s face immediately fell into an irked line before he elbowed his older brother in the ribs- hard.
“Oof!” Mitsue gasped. “Hey- Maiko! Gah...why don’t you…” Maiko rolled her eyes before stepping out from her position from behind her brothers.
“Hello, so what’s your name?” Maiko smiled sweetly as she kneeled in front of Rinka. “What’s this?”
“Your hair clip,” Rinka responded stoutly. Maiko blinked and looked at the rose-shaped ornament in her hand.
“Oh…” She took the clip from Rinka’s trembling hand and looked at it. “Thank you...I didn’t even notice I dropped it.” Rinka beamed, looking significantly happier (and a tad more smug) than she had been several moments ago.
“Is there anything else you would like to tell the pretty lady, Rinka?” Mikage asked his little sister meaningfully, casting a sidelong glance at Maiko.
“Yes! Your dancing was really pretty! You looked like a flower princess!” Rinka told Maiko excitably. Maiko laughed lightly.
“Oh really? Well, this flower princess has a lot of other flowers she can wear, so…” Here, she handed the hairclip to Rinka. “Why don’t you take this, as a gift for returning it to me.” Rinka’s amber eyes widened, glowing with anticipation.
“Can I really have it?” She breathed, face turning pink with excitement.
“Mhm,” Maiko nodded, smiling. “That way, you can be a flower princess, too.”
“Th-thank you!” Rinka took the hairclip, cradling it in her hands like precious treasure. Mikage smiled at his sister.
“Here, why don’t you put it on right now? Then you can show Mom when we get back home,” he told her, fastening the flower right above her left ear. “There. Mom will be so surprised!” Rinka nodded ecstatically before taking off towards her home.
“C’mon, big brother! Let’s go show her now!” She exclaimed happily.
“O-oi! Rinka! Wait up!” Mikage shouted after his little sister as she skipped joyously across the plaza. “Sheesh…” He sighed in exasperation.
“She’s a lovely girl,” a quiet voice interrupted his train of thought. Mikage glanced at the owner of the voice.
“Oh...thank you...she’s a bit of handful though,” Mikage laughed, smiling sheepishly at Maiko.
“She’s definitely energetic- not unlike Naoyuki over there,” Maiko gave a noncommittal jerk of her head towards her youngest brother, who was currently playing what looked like a strange game of tag with their oldest brother in the background.
“I can’t deny that,” Mikage laughed cheerfully. “But your brothers are pretty talented. I wish I could play an instrument like they can.”
“Oh please, I’m sure your skills lie elsewhere,” Maiko laughed, placing a hand over her mouth. “That’s the Barsburg Military Academy uniform, isn’t it?” She pointed at what Mikage was wearing.
“Well…” Mikage started, turning pink as she studied him from head to toe very carefully, a pondering expression on her face.
“Can’t be more than a cadet…” She cut across him, talking almost more to herself than to him. Mikage laughed awkwardly.
“Maybe try not to sound so disappointed?” He mumbled, face scrunched up in a sheepish expression.
“Oh, I’m really sorry!” Maiko gasped, immediately apologizing. “I didn’t mean- well, I- it wasn’t on purpose...” As her speech started hitching and trailing off, Mikage couldn’t help but laugh.
“It’s no problem! Don’t worry about it too much! I was just surprised,” He explained himself. “But you’re pretty knowledgeable. I mean no offense, but you didn’t strike me as a military buff or anything.”
“Oh, I don’t blame you. I’m dressed like this and I’m a street performer. It’s a pretty weird combination,” She gestured at herself here. “But..believe it or not, my family had ties to the Barsburg military.”
“Really? And ‘had’..?” Mikage asked, thoroughly intrigued.
“Yeah…my father-” Maiko never got to finish for she was interrupted by a faraway cry.
“Mikage!” Rinka was shouting from her position several feet away from the two of them. “We need to get home! It’s almost dinner time!”
“Ah! You’re right!” Mikage gasped, stumbling after his younger sister who was already flying across the plaza. “Oi! Rinka!” With a long-suffering sigh, Mikage took off.
“Bye…” Maiko trailed off, raising a half-hearted hand up in farewell. “It’s a shame…”
“What’s a shame, Maiko?” Mitsue asked, coming up behind her, having escaped the wrath of Naoyuki.
“Nothing...just...he really was quite handsome,” she smiled innocently at her older brother. Mitsue raised an eyebrow. Maiko shook her head as if to say, “Don’t worry about it.”
“Hey, guys? I’m getting kind of hungry,” Naoyuki grumbled, coming over to where his older siblings were. “We should probably go find dinner.”
“Good idea, Yuki,” Mitsue nodded, closing his violin case (which was now full of yuus). “Looks like we made a decent amount of money. We should portion it out, so we can send some back to Mom and Dad.” As the three siblings came to an agreement and were just starting to head off, an unexpected voice stopped them.
“Hey! Wait!” The three of them turned around in surprise.
“You…” Maiko blinked as Mikage came running back towards them. “Shouldn’t you be chasing after little Rinka?” Mikage came to a halt before them, his heavy breathing denoting that he had overexerted himself returning to them.
“Yeah...yeah…don’t worry...she’s waiting,” He said between breaths.
“Um...are you alright?” Naoyuki chimed in, concern painting his voice. Mikage took a deep breath before straightening back up.
“Yeah! I’m fine! I just wanted to ask: how long are you guys going to be in District 1?” He asked. Mitsue, Maiko, and Naoyuki shared a look before turning back to him.
“Not sure, but definitely at least a week,” Mitsue told him. “Why?”
“Well, Renka really liked your performance, so I told her we would come see you again over the weekend,” he told them, scratching his head.
“Oh, okay. Well, we’ll most definitely be around here,” Mitsue contemplated, staring at the golden sky.
“Yeah, just follow the music!” Naoyuki interjected, grinning toothily.
“Great!” Mikage grinned back. “Well, I’ll definitely come see you!” Then, his gaze traveled over to Maiko. “Then you can finish telling me about your father.” Maiko blinked, hesitating before nodding eagerly, turning slightly pink in the cheeks. Thank the King of Heaven that the plaza was being painted orange and red with the sunset.
“Well...see you!” With that, Mikage turned on his heels and jogged back towards where Rinka was waiting. As the three of them watched the siblings disappear behind a passing crowd, Mitsue clucked his tongue.
“Well, well, looks like you’ve got yourself a secret admirer, Maiko,” He smiled, casting a knowing gaze at his younger sister. Maiko looked down at her feet.
“Mitsue...I don’t think it’s really a ‘secret’ admirer. He was pretty straightforward about it just now,” Naoyuki retorted, raising an eyebrow at his older brother.
“Ah, young love,” Mitsue simpered, feigning bliss as he looked at the sky. By now, Maiko had bypassed the pink and was turning as red as her dress. Then, she took a deep breath, tightened her shawl around her shoulders, and stomped on Mitsue’s foot- hard.
I really dislike when family or someone I see for the first time in a while talks to me and the questions that come out of their mouths are “how’s school?”, “how’s work?”, “what classes are you taking?”. Why is that the only interesting thing about a person in 2016? Is there nothing else interesting about me other than my school, classes or work? I’m so tired of talking about school and work and classes. I hate that everyone I meet for the first time asks a different variation of the same three questions.
I’m 21 years old and I love the beach, the color orange, and my dogs. I recently lost my dog Jenny and it has been harder on me than I expected it would be. I save lizards trapped indoors and set them free in the bushes in my free time! I drive my car around town when I’m sad, mad, or frustrated because it clams me and that’s why I’m so good with navigating. That’s also how I’ve learned where most things are in my town. My favorite band is All Time Low and I love punk rock. My favorite movies are a tie between The Breakfast Club and Fight Club. I’m not very good at video games but I’ll whoop your ass in Smash Bros depending on how good you are. My favorite food is sushi and I could eat it 7 days a week. When I go to a sushi bar I never look at the name of the sushi, I just pick the ones that looks the most interesting (which is almost all of them). My favorite ice cream flavor is green tea, its delicious. I have a slight obsession with Sanrio’s character Gudetama! … Ok, major obsession! I have three tattoos and counting! I have asthma and tons of allergies, including cats ( although I wish I wasn’t allergic to them so I could fulfill my dream of being a crazy cat lady). I love all animals… Excepts spiders, fuck them. I like to make people laugh because something about seeing a smile on someone else’s face and knowing I caused that keeps me going. I used to hate wearing dresses but now I can’t get enough of them. My favorite thing to do is sit around with the people I care about and talk about life and feelings. It’s sad that I literally have a script written out for when anyone asks me one of those three questions, I always say the same thing: “I go to Florida Southwestern State College in ft Myers and I’m just getting my AA right now cause I have no idea what I want to do in the future”. I literally say this to everyone who asks, in hopes that one day they’ll stop asking cause they always get the same answer. I’m so much more than my school, classes, and work. I’m so much more than my grades and the money I make. There’s so much more to me than being a student or an employee. No one wants to get to know me or what makes me happy or sad. No one wants to know my about my personality or my quirks, the stuff that really makes me, me. Sad reality is: all they care about is how much I’m going to contribute to society.
Unworthy Love from an Almighty Saviour: My Service to the Lord
“Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.” — John 21:17
My journey with the Lord has come a long way.
I feel that it is worthwhile to share where I am right now.
Ask me that a few years back of where he was in my life and I would have said that he was just there..barely holding some sort of significance. I grew up under Catholic values but it was far from devout, it was just a small element that popped in and out. Faith played no particular factor in how I lived until late into my high school years where I experienced times of deep sorrow. Not getting into details but it was that true rock bottom moment of my life when I toyed around with the element of death. Christ, whose timing is immaculately perfect came at the most crucial time - when I almost gave up on my own life. A better lease on life. Him firmly saying: ‘How dare you give up? Don’t do it, your time here is not finished.’
An abundance of blessings came forth since that moment: through the finding of true high school friends that genuinely love me for who I am and a community that shaped me as the person I am today: Youth for Christ.
I cannot begin to entail how much importance that community has on my life. Those brothers and sisters have shown and taught me an endless array of things and they hold such firm conviction towards Christ. I feel like I had received so many undeserving blessings with the close friendships I have formed with these brothers and sisters. Their lives, all unique but hearing the stories of how they found Christ truly brings me that constant sense of hope in my own.
Still, these years of discovering Christ have been far from easy sailing. I keep swinging from having spiritual high moments to the ones where I turn away and even question him. I go into a ball of sadness over things such as severe loneliness, self doubt and I even get lost over what the Lord is even doing with me sometimes. To the point where I would questioned if whether or not me cheating death was all just luck, not in his plan.
Apart from that, in recent light I have come to yearn for Christ even more and my thirst for knowledge about him and the Catholic faith has flourished. I would love to truly believe that I have grown from that person who loved attending meetings and events at YFC simply for the people/food side of things. In all honestly, Jesus Christ has become present constantly in my mind. I found myself to be subconsciously praying to myself whenever I would be walking alone or on my train trips to university or work. I get a strong desire in wanting to read spiritually nurturing books which I had never have thought I would have done. My values have been cemented; in terms of purity and everything in between. Praise God that I’m not afraid to say that I am a Christian anymore.
And finally I have been able to get into the habit of going to confession more often and denying myself of the Eucharist whenever I was never in a state of grace. With all of this, I even truly want to get into the routine of going to daily mass as regularly as possible: hopefully everyday at one point! (Please pray for me that I do!)
However, I simultaneously had gotten weary because I noticed that delving into my faith more made me so upset about the world and how it has become so distorted by the devil. Constantly anguished at myself being so of the world and being torn between it. My frustration levels for when I didn’t see my loved ones not being Christ-like would make me hit breaking point frequently. More so, thinking about the people close to me who do not or no longer see Christ would tear me apart.. the thought of them drifting. I am always convinced that I am not doing enough in my service and showing Christ to them…or that my friendship is a phase/useless.
Praise God though because he reminded me over the weekend as I attended a Household Leaders Training: ‘My Child, never lose faith, even in the midst of dark times. Continue to serve me and I will be with you every step of the way. Please do not doubt me.’ What hit me the most was the fact that we always fail him yet, his love constantly remains. We can forget about him when we are consumed of the world but he never for a moment forgets about us. It pains me to realise you can turn away from him so easily.
This spiritual battle of mine is undoubtedly difficult. It is not easy being a Christian youth in today’s society which is saddening, but prayers go a long way and miracles happen everyday.
There will definitely be times where I will go back into that period of despair and doubt. I will be subjected to sin and temptation so many times more.
But it will be all worth it. I want to continuously surrender to him. I want people to hopefully be able to see Christ in me and be inspired to seek him. I'm so flawed but I'm going to give it my all.
Thank you Lord for this life. I’m still unsure where you are taking me or what person you want me to be. Yet I’m certain that this adventure will be amazing. Please humble my heart and take away anything that is not of you.
In saying all this, I want to let you know that Jesus Christ is wanting for you all to serve him, with his unending love.
And I pray that you say YES to his call.
Why? There are no words that can justify perfectly as to how your life becomes with Jesus Christ in the centre. It is something you have to witness yourself :)
Follow him.
