Discover Top Posts Tagged with #lonley thoughts

Do you ever just wanna draw a pretty girl? Or get a kiss from one? I just think I like girls.

sometimes out of curiosity i look how people i went to school with are doing. six years after "graduating" (we don't have graduation in secondary school) and i feel like im the most lost person in the world. it seems everyone is an adult now in some way except me.

i look at people i knew who now have kids and they live with their significant other, and sometimes their parents or off benefits, and aren't doing anything particularly "notable" with their lives but are happy just updating their facebook page and taking a daily walk to their corner shop where they get cigs and junk food. go home, watch tv, sleep. my family isn't well put-together, i don't want kids, and i don't want to be a regular for wine at 11am at my local.

people i was friends with, maybe people i didn't talk to every day back then or even now, but it's a small joy seeing them post a photo and knowing they're doing well. they've moved out of town and are traveling or studying and they're driven by their career or own creativity. i feel despaired that i didn't have that drive to go the distance and move to a further away uni, i didn't challenge myself enough, or regret that i let someone make my work feel useless.

people i don't intend to talk to anymore, that got their degree in what they once told me they wanted. or a full-time manager-level job. i like the people i work with, but i can't stay where i am forever or i'll settle into a life i didn't want. i got a degree i didn't want, settled for pain i could have left, and then attended graduation depressed. i didn't want a career in my field.

my friend-group have stability. not in every sense but in one way or another. a supportive family, or a stable job/solid career prospects, or financial knowhow. i'm balancing on my savings to pay for therapy and i'm sleeping on a sofa because there's no room for me at home.

i've let myself end up a burnout after almost a lifetime of dedication to art and the idea i could be something. and that was the only thing that mattered to me. im overwhelmed by apathy and ocd and anxiety. i look at these people and dont want other people to be bigger failures than i am, i wanted to feel like my life was a little more in tact that i could see their life and think "how great is it that you're getting what you wanted, and i'm living the way i thought i could".

#lonley thoughts #don/t re/blog