#loupns.

[visseral]

@loupns / WOLFGANG BAEK.

he has been sitting there for what feels like a very dramatic few hours. in actuality, it’s probably nearing the first sixty m i n u t e s. calloused hands brushes against the denim of jeans for a moment, before standing up. the feeling of disappointment, maybe even rejection, was trying to creep up his spine and leave him with that familiar sort of cold. not a fan of the feeling, or the memories that came with it, he stood, looking up only to be greeted with the sight he’d wanted the whole time - there he stood. “forget something?” 

[visseral]

@loupns​ / WOLFGANG BAEK.

he isn’t quite sure what hurts more. is it the tears or the belief that they will continue to tear one another apart?  regardless of his own pain, the sadness that had been hanging in the tension around them was suffocating.  a lesser man would have choked on it, but instead he drew a shaky breath ( it was all spite and determination ) .  tears were all but w i l l e d away from eyes, green becoming the steady promise that the tide would always come back in, instead of the uncertainty of the waves.  “no one else dies.”  the words are ones that he is willing to repeat until they become truth. 

he’s never expressed it,   the guilt  . the guilt for emily, the guilt for cassandra. neither woman he saved, but both he should have. sure, there was no predicting what happened, but he could have been    better   . again, should have. it’s then that the bow b r e a k s, and a sob seems to surprise even him. it’s roped back in, but barely as he is forced to part from him, to take a ragged breath. “  no one else dies, especially not you. i’ll keep you safe, i promise. i should have...  ” he waves his hand in a particularly hopeless manner, unsure if he’s promising him, or apologizing to the two they’d lost. “  i’ll be better, for you. you don’t have to be afraid.  ” 

[visseral]

@loupns​ ASKED “am i the one who has to die so everyone else lives ?”

the words were the sharpest knife, held flush to his throat with every intention of making good on the threat to hurt him. it was a touching question, one that spoke of a certain amount of self sacrifice he hadn’t quite expected from the other. it left him choking, stumbling, trying to find the right recovery that didn’t brim pale greens with the familiar sting of tears. “no.”  the answer held a little command in it, making sure his voice didn’t betray him by cracking. “no.” repeated, because he needed it, a sharp inhale signaling he did, in fact, have more to say, when he finally clears the memory of others who have died on his watch. specifically, when he stops seeing emily’s reflection on the back of closed eyelids. “thomas campbell said to live in the heart’s we leave behind is not to die, but my heart needs you here.”

[visseral]

@loupns ASKED  “where were you ? you were already gone when i got up this morning.”

the question was designed to hit him in the chest, and tighten in there a little bit as nerves seemed content to torture him. features remained stoic, green eyes struggling with honesty for a moment before shoulders attempted to shrug it off. “guard duty.” the answer was simple, a little quieter than usual, because while it wasn’t a lie, he wasn’t sure he was ready to come all the way out. that had been the plan after this, when he was safe away and college, and now, there may never be college. sigh was hefted, finally catching the eyes he’d been avoiding. “i don’t know if i’m ready yet, wolf. everything’s changed so much already..” a rare moment of sincerity creeping in, struggling as he leaned against the door way.

[visseral]

@loupns ASKED “we don’t know when things are going to go back to normal.”

that was the truth but no matter how many times he had heard it said out loud, it still didn’t seem like it was real. they were trapped in a world where they were all going to have to suffer their own battles, and all he wanted was a little reprieve from all the noise outside. perhaps that was the reason behind this tiny excursion, despite the company kept. said company, was currently a secret, and he didn’t know how long he was going to keep that one. “no, but for some of us, things are never really going to be normal again, dude.”