#love avoidant

[thewayshefeels1]

2/23/17

The other day Wendy asked what my biggest fear with mike was. It’s not a long or complicated question and I’ve thought about it before; but it wasn’t easy for me to answer. When I got home after our session I considered it further since I figured it’d be simple but it wasn’t. I forget what I said exactly but a lightbulb went off in my head and I typed into my notes so Id remember now. I can’t pinpoint what my number one fear is. But the other day I was with him and it’s a feeling comparable to skydiving; takes my breath away but simultaneously nauseating. I’m scared to be vulnerable again because the last time I was my worst fears came true. He used my weaknesses against me. I’m the sort of person who loves and appreciates vulnerability; I’m a sucker for it. I think it’s the most beautiful thing you can offer someone. I took a chance, I handed over this precious gift, my heart, to somebody and they threw it back in my face. He promised my heart was safe with him then stomped on it. He crushed it and told me I was heartless. I don’t want to ever take that chance again because it’s too painful. My heart was ripped out of my chest and the seed has been planted once more. Mike has watered it and it is starting to grow, or the urge is there at least. I’m afraid I’ll lose control; over my feelings, my emotions, over anything if I let someone in. I don’t want to give anybody the power to hurt me or leave. Then I will look stupid and tell myself I should know better. The voice in my head says I told you so. I’m afraid of being seen because I show people the side of me I want them to see, roles I play. The acts I put on and mask I wear but don’t want to give him the opportunity to see my shadow since my lights not bright enough. Nobody could ever really love me. Jack said he did, maybe he convinced me for a second, and I wanted to believe him. I think mostly I’m scared of this happening all over again. I don’t trust myself and fear I wont have the strength to handle it if it does.

[fluffpotato]

When you’re both aroflux and such a hardcore love avoidant that you don’t know if you actually like a person or if you’re just really touch starved

[yikes-mobile]

Insoluble 

[imamultifandommess]

OHTAD365: Day 27 (Love Avoidant/Addict Help)

Kinda had a breakthrough last night. Found out through the support group that the relationship I experienced was almost repeated by every single woman in that support group. I knew this was the case, but I never knew to what extent until a newbie showed up with a relationship almost identical to mine, even up to “not a dry eye for months,” and then the very odd closure bit. 

It was so similar, I actually burst out with “Dear god, what the fuck, that sounds exactly like my ex! Do they come from the same goddamn fucking factory? Christ!” She wanted to know more than I even thought to ask, and it answered a lot of my questions.

There are a few reasons why this happens--a lot of it has to do with the backgrounds of the two people in the relationship (emotional trauma, dysfunctional family, substance abuse, mental disorders, etc.) Addicts may seek the love of others to make up for the love they couldn’t attain during development (father, mother, etc.), and avoidants are notorious for pushing people away for their own protection, a defense mechanism. ACA (Adult Child of Alcoholics) often fall into this category.

So, this helped me sort out things in my head quite a bit and made me feel wholly relieved--so maybe it might answer a few questions for others too?

Love Avoidant/Addict Relationship Formula (for Disaster):

    1) Step One: The love avoidant enters into a relationship with the (potential) love addict. 

    2) Step Two: The love avoidant starts drawing away and withdraws leaving the (potential) love addict confused and hurt. 

    3) Step Three: The love avoidant boomerangs, drawn back to combat their own loneliness. This is the starting dose for the (potential) love addict, and they get hooked because they start falling in love with the potential of the relationship instead of the reality. Every single one of those women described it as a euphoria they’ve never experienced before (me af).

    4) Step Four: The love addict showers said love avoidant with love which is briefly reciprocated and this can last for a while (for me it lasted 4 months--this was an average). However, after a while, the love avoidant can no longer stand this pattern and starts finding the love addict tiresome. They start a blame game, citing a wide variety of sad bullshit issues (old girlfriends, boredom, “you’re like a sister to me,” etc.). 

    5) Step Five: The love avoidant suddenly withdraws/pushes away/ghosts the love addict, this time, for good. The love addict is devastated, hurt, and confused. They find it very difficult to let go because that high is gone and they’re terrified they’ll never get it again. If a pre-existing condition exists (such as OCD/Anxiety/Depression), then there might be a dopamine deficiency, so any mention, reminder, or even picture of that person may cause a dopamine increase, fueling the remaining embers of that high, making it even more difficult to let go. This can actually cause Complicated Grieving (CG).

   6) Step Six: The addict will try and fill a void they didn’t realize was there to begin with 1) rebounds 2) achievements 3) control (weight/regimens) 4) substances (alcohol/narcotics).

   7) Step 7 (Possible Ending): The love avoidant offers “friendship” or a meeting. They give significant mixed signals (”You’re the total package”; “You’re perfect”; “You did nothing wrong!”), which confuse the addict further because...why weren’t they enough for them then? It’s a control tactic and manipulative. It leads the addict on, but then cuts them at the knees. The love avoidant doesn’t want to be the bad guy. So, it just creates more hurt.

8) Recovery: I was told that most people who hit this relationship hell actually took a lot longer to recover than most. Most people who’s relationship only lasted for a few months took a year or more to recover. This is surprisingly comforting because I was worried by the lack of a better bounce back.

[sakuradesigns]

The Difference Between a Narcissist and a Love Avoidant: A Personal Story of Misjudgment and Regret

The Difference Between a Narcissist and a Love Avoidant: A Personal Story of Misjudgment and Regret

[lubuewin]

If you love me, why r you running away?

[rioretreatcenter-blog]

Mind & Heart: A Mindful Path to Wholehearted Living

This workshop for professionals is a 3-day intensive for individuals who want to further their own healing and for those who assist others in the healing journey. This workshop acknowledges that many people have encountered difficult situations as children and as adults: trauma, abuse, neglect, break-ups, betrayal, disappointment, failures, illness, loss, and grief. Yet, humans are resilient creatures - they generally find ways to survive. However, surviving isn’t the same as thriving! Indeed, many times the very adaptations that helped people to survive get in the way of really living life wholeheartedly.

Psychiatrist, researcher, teacher, and workshop designer, Jon Caldwell, DO, PhD, will personally facilitate the workshop. The Mind & Heart workshop is a scientifically researched intervention that entails a mixture of highly informative material and experiential exercises using mindfulness and compassion. Because these ancient practices will be applied in unique ways to heal past wounds, people of various skill levels with mindfulness can benefit from the workshop. Also, the practice of mindfulness and compassion does not need to interfere with workshop participants’ spiritual beliefs, but can serve to deepen existing belief systems. All that is needed is a curious mind, a willing heart, and an intention to heal!

16.0 Continuing Education Credits or NBCC Clock Hours Available

Cost: $1500 per person, all inclusive of two meals on Friday, three meals Saturday, one meal Sunday, lodging at Rio Retreat Bunkhouse, and ground transportation from and back to the Phoenix Airport.

Content Source