theway.shefeels

  Your daily dose of depression  

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LOVE IS INSANITY: Introduction & Book Preview! by I Am Not a Victim

In today's episode, I share a sneak peek into the introduction of my newest poetry book, Love is Insanity, coming to a bookstore nearest you! DM me on Instagram to get your free PDF copy :-) Stay tuned for updates on book launches, in person signings and more. Find my books here: amazon.com/author/laurenmcolletti Connect with me on Instagram: @laurenmcolletti

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Gumdrops & Lollipops

His lips taste like sugar

His fingertips honey

His skin like molasses

His heart cotton candy

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Love is Insanity

I dreamt of watching 

The sweet sunrise

On a warm beach

Off the coast of Carolina

A simple life

A southern smile 

I thought we’d watch the sunset

Tailgate in the back of your black Tacoma

A blanket of stars 

Fingers through my sunburnt hair

Drunken sleepless nights

Your golden hour eyes 

Slipped through my fingers

& tonight I’m having a funeral

To lay to rest 

The dreams that are a little too far out of reach 

So rest in peace

What will never be mine

-  I have to let go of the life I thought was meant for me in order to accept the life that’s actually mine

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Auto-Biography

Lauren was born in 1994. She was adopted as a newborn by her loving parents, Camille, and Michael. Her birth mother was 20 years old, addicted to drugs, and suffering from mental illness. Promiscuous, young, single, and unstable, Jennifer decided to give Lauren up for adoption. Lauren’s parents told her she was adopted at an early age. Although she knew it was an open adoption, she could not understand; she just knew she was different from the other kids. Lauren went to primary school in her neighborhood and grew up with an older sister who was also adopted. Lauren’s parents were lower-middle-class; her mother was a secretary with no education and her father was a bus driver, umpire, and veteran. Around the age of 7, Lauren began to notice her body. She was bigger than the other kids in school and started to think something was wrong with her. Students discovered Lauren was adopted and started to make fun of her. Lauren felt ostracized and unwanted, unsure of what was the matter. As she progressed to secondary school, Lauren’s parents would say she was “big-boned.” Lauren started to get bullied in the 7th grade and quickly learned to fit in, you had to be popular, but she was the furthest thing from “cool”. Lauren took this to mean she was ugly and not good enough. She had a few friends she hung out with and tried to adapt to her new environment. She caved into peer pressure, doing things out of character to “fit in.” When Lauren liked a boy in the 7th grade, he found out and asked her out as a dare in front of all his friends on AIM. The next day, Lauren realized this was a prank and was called derogatory names in the halls. Despite this, Lauren did well in her studies and enjoyed participating in sports after school. Lauren’s favorite activity (besides playing imagination) was writing in her diary because that was a place where she felt understood. As the years went by, people continued to point out Lauren’s weight which ingrained in her head she needed to change to be accepted. When Lauren was 13, her father’s health started to decline. Mike went into the army at 21 years old. When he got a vaccine to prevent hepatitis C, the shot ended up giving him the disease. Growing up, Laurens's dad was in and out of the hospital. Her parents were always at doctors' appointments and Lauren’s father had to follow a strict diet as he was also diabetic. Lauren felt jealous of her peers as she was not allowed to have any “bad” food in the house. She observed her family never went out to eat or on vacation like the other kids. When Lauren became a teenager, she started to hide food so she wouldn’t get in trouble. She would sneak food into her room and eat large amounts in secret. Food quickly became Lauren’s vice. This increased whenever her parents weren’t home, as a distraction and numbing agent. As Lauren’s parents became less available, physically, and emotionally, Laurens's compulsive behavior around food increased. On her 13th birthday, Lauren’s father was sent into emergency surgery and received a liver transplant. By age 14, Lauren was diagnosed with an eating disorder by the school psychologist. In hopes to redeem herself from being an “outsider,” Lauren decided to try out for the cheer team. Lauren was so happy when she was selected. Her best friend also made the cut but after middle school, moved away. Lauren’s high school experience was not so kind. She got into her first relationship at 14 which thankfully ended after 7 months of verbal abuse. At 15, she began experimenting with self-induced vomiting and saw it as her chance to be thin. Lauren would go on to have an eating disorder for the next 10 years. May of sophomore year, Lauren's father became extremely ill once again after his new liver developed cancer. He was put in-home hospice care where he eventually died 2 weeks later. Lauren began to self-harm as a way to release her pent-up emotions and anger. Lauren noticed at her father's funeral; her sister had many friends attend while she had none. Dina was a year older, popular, and skinny. Lauren tried to become a part of her friend circle but was not only rejected, her sisters’ friends began to bully her. It wasn’t until 12th grade that Lauren started to make some friends. Despite her struggles, Lauren was an excellent student. Her favorite subject was creative writing. After her English teacher saw her journal entries, she was referred to a school social worker. Lauren frequented the youth and family service center during lunch period. On days her counselor wasn't available, Lauren ate in the bathroom as kids threw cans at her in the cafeteria. Lauren started to see a nurse practitioner and attend group therapy, where she was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. Thankful for high school to end, Lauren attended community college. Lauren’s best friend went away to school which ended their 10-year-long friendship. Lauren was assaulted her first semester of college. At this point, she was attending a hospital program for eating disorders. Despite her struggles, she wanted to get her bachelor's degree in psychology. In 2015, Lauren went on a blind date with a man who would later become her boyfriend of 2 years. This relationship went on to be mentally, physically, and sexually abusive. Because of the emotional distress, Lauren stopped going to work and failed school as she could not function cognitively. After a cancer scare and brutal attack in 2017, Lauren ended the relationship. Lauren went from being on 8 different psychiatric medications for her “mood disorder” and PTSD to being on one. Lauren went from being in therapy twice per week to now twice per month. After she stabilized, she decided to go back to school, graduating with her bachelor’s degree and then her master’s. Lauren is now in remission, attending school to obtain her doctorate. She wishes to become a psychologist working with individuals impacted by interpersonal trauma (sexual and domestic violence). It is her goal to work with victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse and intimate partner violence. Her dream is to run batterers’ intervention groups, teach as a college professor, and work for the FBI. Lauren is now a registered yoga instructor and published author. She identifies as being “in recovery” and has not had any eating disorder behaviors in four years. Her sister and her are now close friends.

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Really thought I was done with the hardest part when I pulled myself out of your arms, Wish I knew that was only the start and now I'm falling apart 'cause

Last night for the very first time you didn't even try to call I, won't lie I thought I might die I couldn't even sleep at all. And maybe I'll get used to it but right now I just feel like shit.

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Therapy Session: Healing After Getting Broken up With

Listen to this episode from Spiritual & Bipolar on Spotify. Rate the show 5 stars for a chance to win a 25$ OBVI gift card. Please send me a screenshot of the 5-star rating on Instagram to enter! Find my books here: amazon.com/author/laurenmcolletti Connect with me on Instagram: @laurenmcolletti Say hello on Facebook: Lauren Colletti | Facebook Tumblr: https://thewayshefeels1.tumblr.com/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/lauren-colletti/message

Check out my latest podcast episode on Spotify

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Feel like Shit

I’m back on here. I do not know what to do with myself. It’s either this or downloading Instagram and I think this is healthier. I have been dying of boredom, loneliness and sadness. It’s too much. I’m so overwhelmed at how much I’m feeling and shocked that feeling so shitty can’t actually kill a person. No wonder people who have clinical depression and chronic anxiety die so much faster than their non mentally ill counterparts. At this rate, I would actually be relieved if I died in my sleep (lol). I hate feeling this way. My entire body aches. Studies show that heartache causes physical pain and I can attest to this. I want to numb and distract myself but I deleted IG and now there’s nothing to do. So I couldn’t not be on here too because writing is one of the only things that makes me feel somewhat alive. I’m trying to lean into my pain but when I do so, I don’t feel anything. I feel simultaneously numb and like I’m going to combust. I’m so tempted to just call Nick so this feeling goes away. But I know I’ll have to go through this again when he breaks up with me 2 months later and I can’t do this again. This reminds me of why I hate getting into relationships in the first place. Don’t I learn? Fuck, why did I do this to myself. Now I understand why I was so emotionally unavailable for so long, to avoid THIS moment right here. I’m so mad. I broke glass last night because mom told me Dina threatened Nick and told him to fuck off. I guess it’s for the best but I cried and screamed at her and now I refuse to talk to her for being disloyal. She told me she was going to threaten him and tell him to leave me alone so I begged her to please not to. The fact she did it anyway breaks my trust. She thinks she knows what’s best for me but if she cared at all what I wanted then she would’ve not gotten involved and left it alone. It takes a lot to make me mad but I’m furious. It’s like nobody cares what I have to say. I tell someone something and they do the other. It makes me think my word has no value. It was triggering because I’m sure all those guys that assaulted me thought they were doing what was best too. I hate being disregarded but it seems to be a recurring pattern in my life. I miss Nick so much. It’s like hearing from him was making moving on harder but it was all I had to look forward to because I can’t take being without him. Him reaching out at-least showed me he was trying and putting in effort. Now I have absolutely nothing to be excited for and he’s just going to forget me. As soon as I wake up, I want to go back to sleep. I went to bed at 9 PM last night because I felt so heavy, with all of this crying and moping around. I hate life right now and just want to fast forward the rest of it. I’m debating if I should give the ring back. I have my second job interview in Smithtown on Thursday so I was thinking maybe I’ll do it then. Or I’m going to brunch with Elena in Commack on Sunday so that might be better but then he’d be home. We are going to a place I wanted to go with Nick, it’s a Spanish cuisine restaurant and Elena is from Spain. She’s really sweet, I think I actually met a nice, normal girl for once. Anyway, I don’t want Nick to think I hate him or don’t care and that’s why I’m furious with Dina. I don’t want him to think I despise him so much I told her to tell him whatever she said. But I can’t keep the ring because what am I supposed to do with it? Wear it? And have a constant reminder of my broken, failed relationship? I’m pissed at him because we could’ve been spending the last three weeks together if it weren’t for his fuck up. All I wanted was to tell him how I was feeling and he completely blew it out of proportion and hit me where it hurts. Anytime we fought I never remember hitting him below the belt. I tried to be mature and this is what I get. I realize I’m too forgiving. Why do I allow people to treat me so poorly? I can’t wait to get into another relationship just to be abused, let down and hurt again by someone who claims they love me. NOT. If I’m going to be used by a man I’d rather just be a sugar baby so I can at least be paid to do so. Apparently I’m really good at being disposable to men. Thank god I have therapy tonight. It’s the only thing I’ve had to look forward to all week. I’m so stressed. People keep asking do you miss him or do you miss who you wanted him to be? And in truth, I miss him. He’s an asshole sometimes but I still love him. He wasn’t always a dickhead, only sometimes. He wasn’t malicious though, at least not a lot, or I don’t think he tried to be. Maybe I’m just making excuses but I really saw the good in him. I wish we could be together right now instead of me writing this stupid post. Nick and I would always fight but I’d rather be fighting than not have him at all. I keep thinking of Valentine’s Day, I was going to buy him a mini fridge for his bedroom because I know he really wanted one. I guess on the bright side I’ll save money. Fuck everything.

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My heart's breaking, I can't take this time and space, it sucks, I hate this

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I think love is a lot like child birth. It hurts you so bad you swear you’ll never do it again but inevitably, you do. You think the gain is worth more than the cost. So you love again & could die from the pain. You love again & it splits you open.

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Have you ever been so sad that you just go to sleep?

just so you don’t have to feel anything for a while

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The Last Post

Before I get off of Tumblr for the foreseeable future, the final question I want to ask is this... what did you expect?

What did you think was going to happen when you broke up with me again? Do you not take me seriously? Did you not hear me when I said the third time will be the last? Maybe you don’t stick to your word, but I do. 

The promises you are now dangling at me I needed when we were together. If you wanted to, you would have, then. Saying them now to get me back isn’t the same. I know we miss one another but that doesn’t equate to us being right for each other.

It highlights to me you only care when there is a crisis. I do not want to be in a relationship where someone has to lose me before they step up.

You can’t keep bouncing back and forth. It’s not fair. I need someone who makes me feel secure.