#loveletterstoledger

[lovelyledger]

some pictures of H for your viewing pleasure🤍 hope today treats you kindly, darling.

[fan-of-pretty-much-2-much]

👁 🤚🎉 & 🌸 for the self-ship photo scavenger hunt!

Hello Rose! I'm so happy to see you in my inbox💕💕

👁- Post a screenshot of your f/os eye/eyes!

I absolutely love the way his eyes look here! Every time he smiles his eyes squint like that and I find it so pretty looking. Ain’t he a beauty?

🤚- Post a screenshot of your f/o's hand(s)!

You know, for someone who doesn’t enjoy being near smokes or people smoking, I do think Patrick looks extremely attractive when he’s smoking. And the way he holds it... yeah, I like his hands.

🎉- Post a screenshot of your f/o where they're smiling/laughing/having a good time.

He has a wonderful grin. I just love the way he acts when he’s either messing with someone or humoring himself. He’s just so cunning and sweet. I wanna give him a kis. 

🌸- Post a screenshot of your f/o looking cute.

I can’t keep saying the same stuff about him! Or can I? Oh, I am just in love with this handsome man. So expressive and perfect in every way. 

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hey can I get some headcanons of your relationship with your F/O parents bc y’all are such a cute family dynamic and I wanna hear more about how you all interact🥰💗

and @arianatheangelworld 

asdfghjkl; omgggg~ you’re all gonna kill me asghj 🥺😭😭thank you darlings omggg ~ 🥰🥰🥰💗 I hope that you all enjoy this, it’s always so bittersweet but also so comforting and fun to explore my dynamic with my parental F/Os and, well... isn’t that the point of it all?💖 Thank you thank you thank you for supporting and enabling me omggg ~ 💙😊

Word count: 3, 184 (holy shit I am so sorry... not😂)

It’s a quiet life, but there’s lots of underlying tensions beneath it all.

By quiet, I mean because I spend my days in my bedroom studying (not so far from reality, these relationships😂) but there are underlying tensions because no one in the household knows who Edward Hyde really is - it’s a secret between my parents and I. 

What that means is that it’s tricky for Papa and myself to spend time with one another if other members of the household are awake - as far as they are concerned, Father is my parent and so is Mama, and Papa has no part in that. So as you can imagine, questions would be raised if Papa and I are caught spending too much time together (plus, this is set in the Victorian Era, so you can imagine the scandal of an unmarried twenty-three year old woman spending lots of time alone in a room, unchaperoned, with a man old enough to be her father...)

This is why Papa and I only have our time together late into the night, when said members of the household have gone to bed and it’s only my parents and I who are awake. It’s safer for all of us that way - it protects Father and his name, his reputation and his career, which in turn protects the household members from being turned out onto the streets due to a lack of employment and this in turn protects Father’s family, who always come first.

From the moment I wake up, my parents are there. As you’ve probably gathered from previous posts, I sleep with my parents a lot so it isn’t unusual for me to wake up with one of them. Rare and special occasions mean that I get to wake up with Mama and either Father or Papa. 

Mama’s always up by five in the morning or she’ll fall behind on her chores so if she’s the one I slept with in the night, then I’ll get up when she does. She always insists that I go back to bed and that I go to sleep, but I rarely do. I much prefer to have those early hours with her so that I can help her with her chores and maybe, if I’m very lucky... I’ll get to be the one who takes Father his breakfast tray so that I get to see him early in the morning and so that I can crawl into his bed and get me some extra cuddles before I start my day.

If I sleep in with Father, then the opposite happens and I’m woken up when he gets brought his breakfast tray (7 AM on the dot!), and of course I end up getting up when he does because even though he won’t kick me out of his bed, he also knows that if he leaves me to my own devices in a soft, warm bed, I’ll end up falling asleep until noon and then I’ll beat myself up about it, so he makes sure I am awake and up before he’s done with his breakfast (and if Mama knows I slept in with Father, she’ll bring me some breakfast too!) to save me any emotional distress. 

Father always wakes me up gently... up until a certain point. He will shake me gently while saying my name, which usually gets a sleepy groan from me. Then, it’s onto talking, with his voice going from a whisper and increasing in volume until he’s just above his normal speaking level. He never raises his voice at me and we all know why. If that doesn’t work, then Father will just “accidentally” pull the covers off of me. He isn’t subtle, but he also isn’t mean about it, and if I do genuinely need some more sleep, then he will let me have that. But for the most part, he makes sure that I’m up once he is on the nights I’m in his bed.

I never ever get to wake up with Papa. It just doesn’t happen for various reasons. Firstly, because Papa’s constantly moving around like a lion stuck in a cage and he loves me dearly but not enough to stay in one place for more than a few hours unless he’s already sleeping. Secondly, because he can’t be caught in my bed or vice versa by anyone other than Mama to protect Father’s name etc. Thirdly, I may wake up to Papa crawling into my bed or easing himself in his own if I fell asleep in his bed, but I don’t ever get to start my day with Papa. Our time is night time and that has to be non-negotiable. It does upset me if I wake up in an especially needy mood, but Father and Mama will get me through the day in the meantime.

Mama likes to sneak me items of Papa’s or Father’s clothing to wear when I go to bed. She’s not supposed to but Mama is sleight of hand and I can be quick when I need to be. She and I often have silent conversations in a crowded room and all it takes is for Mama to “accidentally” make a noise, like a quick scuffing of her boot on the floor or for her knuckles to make a noise against the wooden table and I just look at her.  Mama catches my eye and then gives me A Look before she turns back to her ironing. I walk past and at the point where our lower bodies are hidden by the ironing board, she stuffs an unironed shirt in my hand (usually Papa’s) and I walk off, the shirt stowed away under my arm and then placed for safe-keeps under my pillow for the night time. Sometimes it might be one of her night-dresses, but I am comfier in either Papa or Father’s clothes.

There are so many secrets between myself and my parents which are kept from the other members of the household. Between all three of us, we manage it as best as we can, though I have no doubt that the others think we're a little odd. 😊

There are periods which are weeks long where Father is so busy in his laboratory that no one sees him. It's communication .via. letters on the stairs and that's all anyone hears from him. Mama and I worry immensely but Father's always been this way and all we can do is be patient and wait for him. He's a workaholic and he often makes himself sick from all of the working and everyone in the household knows what to do when these times arise, which are getting more frequent as Father gets older.

In especially bad times, even Mama won't be able to get through to Father. I get upset if that's the case, because if he shuts away the one person he loves above all else, it's a serious warning sign. Mama and I have a pact that if she can't get through, then I will. Father is always so protective of me, and now it's my turn to protect him. I take this very seriously, understandably so, and I wait up until two or three in the morning, so late that even Mama's gone to bed and is sleeping. I wait in his study for that time, reading one of his old medical journals, and then I go downstairs, out the back door, and into the laboratory.

It's freezing in there because there's where Father used to carry out dissections and lectures back before his illness (never canonically diagnosed but it's believed to be depression or similar) got worse, so I always take him his old smoking jacket (which doubles as my blanket when I take naps in his study). By this time in the night, Father will be so tired and sleep-deprived that he's more likely to be honest with me, and it's for this reason that I also stayed up so late - Father will assume I'm unable to sleep because I'm so worried about him, and while that's true, it's also because I know him well enough to know what time of night is best for an intervention. Yes, it's slightly manipulative on my end of things, but I am my Papa's daughter and it's with good intentions so I don't linger on this thought for too long. It won't do me any good and my Father's most important. I'd do anything for him.

I find Father where I knew he would be - scribbling in a journal by candlelight, his fingers covered in ink, his hair a mess, yawning every few seconds. A cold plate of mutton is left forgotten by his elbow, only half eaten. I'm just like him when I study so I don't lecture my Father on his bad eating habits -he and I have the same work ethic so I would be a hypocrite to tell him off for something he usually tells me off for. I announce myself by putting his smoking jacket over his shoulders. Father pulls the jacket around himself with a shiver and I smile. You're welcome.

"You should be in bed, Erika." Father frowns in disapproval and I almost want to call him out on his hypocrisy.

"So should you," My tone is sharp with worry and frustration and Father takes a moment to look at me - I never speak to him like this. "Mama's really worried about you. So am I. We haven't seen Papa for weeks, and we - " Just like always, my anger turns to upset and I move away, trying not to cry.

"Erika." I turn back to my Father and I see that he has tears in his eyes, too. He's hurting and even though he's been trying to find a cure for years, he's never been able to find one which really helps him. "I am sorry, I - my work, it is. Well, let's not discuss the details." A pause. Neither of us know what to do, even when there is no one to see or hear us. "Come here." He pats his lap and I make a happy noise, which makes him smile. I love sitting on my Father's lap - it's been something I've done ever since I was a child and it always makes me feel so safe.

I go and I sit on my Father's lap (and have a quiet cry - he knows but he doesn't say anything about it because he doesn't want to embarrass me) and he continues to work, but as the hours drag on and we both get increasingly tired, Father knows that the time for working is over. On these nights when I manage to find my Father in his own mind and pull him back with just my presence (and my very existence is a reminder of what he holds most dear), I also spend the night in his bed.

"Thank you, Erika, for..." Father trails off, but I know what he's saying to me.

I snuggle into his bed, feel my Father kiss my forehead and whisper his love, and then I sleep.

The night is half the battle - getting Father to take a break tomorrow morning will be an even bigger battle, but by then Mama will be awake and we'll work together to save Father from himself.

It's not the first or the last time, but all of us in the family have our Own Moments which require special attentions and solutions, and we love each other even harder during those times.

The reunion with Papa after getting Father to take a break from his weeks of working always makes me cry, too.

Over the years, it's become almost a... tradition, of sorts, for Papa to greet me this way after a long separation.

I could be doing anything - reading in Father's study, writing in my bed, studying at my desk - and all of a sudden, out of nowhere -

"Erika."

Whispered so casually, so quietly, but my entire body freezes. I know that voice anywhere. I drop whatever I'm doing, I tear up, and I turn, slowly...

Papa's smirking at me, a cold and calculative look in his eyes, but I'm not afraid. I'm not even nervous. Anyone else would make me step back with this look, but not Papa. No.

"Oh, my - Papa!" I step forward into his embrace and I melt into the parent I've been missing most of all. I cry, of course I do, and Papa says nothing about it (he and Father aren't so different at all, once you get to know them, though I'd never tell them that. Or Mama. It's a thought I keep entirely to myself.) because he doesn't see why he should need to; he only holds me tighter.

I can almost hear his fond eye roll and it makes me smile.

"It's difficult to understand someone who is entirely incapable of asking for what he most wants, wouldn't you agree? You're the only one he listens to," our daughter.

There is pride in Papa's voice but just like always, I can hear what he doesn't say, just as he hears what I don't say. It's just how it is between us; Papa and I have a level of understanding between us which we don't have with anyone else.

That night, Papa sleeps in my bed with me. I'm never ready to say goodbye to him, or goodnight, either. The following conversation is a nightly ritual because of this:

"Just five more minutes, Papa?"

"I'll be here tomorrow night. you know that. Sleep, child."

"But - "

"Erika."

A warning. No one else receives warnings from the Edward Hyde and lives to tell the tale. So I listen.

"Fine." I know he will be with me tomorrow night. "Stay with me 'til I fall asleep?"

Papa sighs, rolls his eyes, and pointedly lays down, watching me the whole time. I couldn't hide my smile if I tried, so I don't even bother to - Papa taught me to show my emotions and to not hide them.

"Goodnight, Erika."

"'Night, Papa. Love you."

A kiss on the top of my head, and all else fades to black.

My parents and I are very physically affectionate with one another and it's... unusual, especially if you consider the fact that it's in the Victorian Era, but the members of the household find it touching. They get hugs and affection, too! Even if they don't necessarily know how to react to it, they still do get their hugs in the morning and late at night just before they all go to bed (which is between 10 and 11, whereas I go to bed anywhere from midnight to 3 AM).

If I have a nightmare or a bad dream, I am at total liberty to climb into any bed in the house, but of course I make a beeline typically for Mama's bed. She knows nightmares well and she'll simply hold me until I feel safe, and then she'll hold me some more because I get clingy and I don't like letting go. There's been times I've cried because she let me go before I was ready for the cuddle to be over (though those times were when I was much younger) so now she just lets me decide for myself when I've had enough.

With the way I sleep with my hair in two braids, I always get a mass of tangles at the back of my head. Always. I hate it and it always makes me hesitant to brush my hair, which is now midway down my back (so I can’t not brush my hair every day), because I know it’s gonna hurt me. I’ll brush the front parts of my hair and I’ll try to brush the knots out, but it hurts so I stop and I don’t want to brush my hair. 

A part of me is always tempted to just leave it, but at the same time I know from previous experience that hair knots can and will get worse, so during these times I’ll take my brush to Mama. She’s always so gentle, not just with me, but also just in her nature. 

She is such a tender-hearted person and I admire her so deeply for that. She’s incredibly busy so typically I’ll leave brushing my hair until the evening, when she has more time to help me. I don’t always ask her for help with my hair, so when I do, she knows immediately that it’s because I really can’t do it myself.

“Mama, there’s a - I have a knot. Can you help me?”

A small smile and she goes to get her wooden comb. It’s gentler on knots than my own hairbrush, which pulls more than it needs to, and we both know it. Mama is so gentle that it barely hurts me, and within minutes she’s done what I’ve delayed all day.

“How do you want it tonight, Erika? One braid or two?”

I fondly roll my eyes - like she needs to ask. My smile is in my voice as I ask for two, and Mama and I get to spend some time with one another quietly enjoying each other’s company.

Sometimes I return the favour by helping her brush out her hair, but she’s incredibly self-sufficient and she largely prefers to do it herself. Which is fine... I’ll find other ways to help her!😊

“Thank you, Mama.” My words are doubled up with a tight hug, and then I’m ushered off to bed because it’s late and she’s exhausted.

I technically have three parents and each one fulfills a different need for me, so all together, they meet all of my needs and I try, I try to be a daughter that they can be proud of, that they can respect and that they can love unconditionally. I try so hard every day to live in a way to honour their places in my life.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for my parents. I would die for my parents, to give them a happy ending, to give them the time to be together, but in many ways... I am that happy ending, even if things aren't perfect. It's a fight sometimes to keep secrets exactly that, but we make it work. We have to.

I tell them each and every day that I love them, I hug them and cuddle them and help them out where I can, because they deserve the world.

They are my parents and I am very grateful to and for them. They have made me who I am today and they'll be with me forever, no matter where I go or what I do or who I become. I just hope that they'll continue to walk with me for the rest of my life, because I wouldn't be alive without them... in more ways than one.

[fan-of-pretty-much-2-much]

Happy one year anniversary to you and Patrick!🥰❤️ it hardly seems like it’s been that long, but time flies when a love is so intense it makes you forget those trivial constraints we as humans have put on ourselves. You have always made each other so happy and I enjoy hearing all about your daily lives together. The love you have is so pure and wholesome; every part of it is beautifully untouched by anything negative. Patrick has always been there for you and he always will be, darling. He could never leave you when you need him most and I’m relieved that he finally came back to you after thinking it was over. The tension just melts away when F/Os come back to us in our deepest moments of need and Patrick would never want for you to be alone when you are needing him. He will always be a part of you, darling, and there no place he would rather be than by your side. Happy anniversary to the both of you and I hope it’s a magnificent one! Do all you can to enjoy each other’s company today and spend it celebrating the love you have for one another. I love you and so does Patrick, forever and always❤️

Oh Rose!!!😭❤❤

Thank you so very much for this message! This is so wonderfully sweet, and you're right about everything! It was a huge relief to have Pateick back in my life, and I don't want that to ever change! I promise, I will spend this day quite happily, as long as he's with me!

I hope you're well, my good friend!

[fan-of-pretty-much-2-much]

Where Sea Meets Man, Sunrise Serpent, A Sea of Writings and Eye of Fortune, Eye of Misfortune for the self-ship asks. You can answer for whichever F/O you want to talk about🥰🥰

Hiiii🥰 Thank you for sending this in, Rose!

Where Sea Meets Man: Have you and your f/o ever been separated in any way? What did you do? How far did you go to be with them again?

Oh god, have I ever. Last Christmas and in April of this year Pat and I were separated. I had a not so amazing grasp on what self shipping should be, and through that I thought Patrick and I couldn’t work out because of me. There were times that my heart would ache because I missed him, but I didn’t know how I could get him back. But this summer that all changed. Patrick came back to me while I was at my worst. I thought it wasn’t gonna be any more than that, but as Patrick was taking care of me, I realized I wanted him back in my life.

Sunrise Serpent: What is a fond memory you have of your/o? What is one they have of you?

I guess J was pretty fond of us hanging out together in silence. Not because he was annoyed, but because it was just nice to relax together while he was bare faced. I think that my fondest memory is just him holding me while I was tired. Sleepy comfort, you know, it’s really nice.

A Sea of Writings: What is something you’ve written or read about your f/o that you are proud of?

I’m proud of the most recent fic I wrote, even if I later realized some of the dialogue is wrong and some parts may not make sense. And some of the asks games I’ve answered, I love those too. I also thought about some f/o imagines that make me feel all soft inside, so I guess that counts as reading something about my f/o. And stuff that my dear friend Sue sent me! She’s an amazing writer and her scenarios make me so very happy.

Eye of Misfortune: Have you ever received a gift from your f/o? What’s something you have given them?

Patrick gave me some lovely flowers a almost year ago. I loved them so very much, and it was very great for us. I have no real idea what/if I got Patrick anything, but I want that to change by a couple days later! I want to give us a gift to share for our first anniversary😊❤️

[ajokeformur-ray]

ERIKA IM IN LOVE WITH YOUR NEW THEME AAAAAA🥺🌞🌻🥺🌞🌻🥺🌞🌻🥺🌞🌻🥺🌞🌻🥺🌞🌻🥺🌞🌻🥺🌞🌻

OMG THANK YOU DARLING KSKSKS IT TOOK FOREVER (TEN MINUTES) TO PICK THE MAIN COLOUR ASDFGHJK 😭😭😭😭😊💜💗💙🤗 😊💜💗💙🤗 😊💜💗💙🤗 😊💜💗💙🤗 😊💜💗💙🤗I LOVE YOU ANGEL ~ 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

[ajokeformur-ray]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY FAVORITE COUPLE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD💛😍💛😍💛😍💛😍💛 I hope you and Joker have a lovely day together - you both deserve nothing less than all the love in the world! Enjoy your special day, darling. I love you!

ROSIE OMG 😭😭😭😭 THANK YOU DARLING!!!!💗💗💗💗

Joker and I had a wonderful day together!! If I remember rightly, I studied for about five hours that day while he moaned and groaned about how his wife had been stolen away from him by some pixels on a screen, and then we spent what was left of the day doing chores and cuddling while we watched things on TV.🥺💜 

Thank you so much for celebrating it with me, angel, the day wouldn’t have been what it was without you omggg ~ 🥺🌸💗 I love you so much!!!💖 I hope that Commodus is giving you lots of attention, he’s so proud of you, as am I!💚😊

Thank you for the sweet message, darling, I love you so much too omggg ~ 🥰just you wait until it’s your anniversaries!!!😉💛💛💛

[ajokeformur-ray]

Erika, I wanted to let you know that no matter what light you see yourself in, those of us who love & support you always see the best in you in any given situation. We are our own worst critics, as you've told me in the past; you are wise beyond your years, darling. I hope you are able to treat yourself with the same kindness that you show others because if you give yourself even a fraction of that same love and care, you'll be right where you need to be. Be gentle with yourself💖 I love you!

Rosieeee ~ 😭😭😭😭

I’ve had this in my inbox for weeks and without exaggeration, I’ve been reading this every single day, sometimes even multiple times a day, and it’s given me so much strength and motivation omg.🥺💗

Thank you, darling. Thank you thank you thank you. 😭🥺 That’s very true, angel, we are our own worst critics and it’s a difficult fact of life. In the end, we can only do what we do each day and whatever is left undone will still be there tomorrow. Nothing is worth the cost of our mental and/or physical wellbeing.  

I definitely do not see myself in a favourable light and if anyone knew the full extent of my thoughts when they’re directed towards myself, I’m sure there’d be a lecture coming my way. I have always had more love for others than for myself but that’s where self-shipping really helps me because I won’t do anything for myself but in a roundabout way, by doing things for my F/Os, I’m doing things for myself and so it’s an important lesson in self-love. 

I’m doing what I can, my love. It’s not easy but what more can I do? 💜💙 I know that you are, too, and I hope that you’re looking after yourself and giving yourself the love and care which you deserve too!!!! 💖🥰 I love you so much and I’m so, so proud of you! Thank you for such sweet messages, angel, everything you tell me means the world to me and I hold every word we exchange close to me!🌸💗