The worst feeling is being in love with someone at the wrong time, meaning it never seems like your path will ever align for you to be truly happy with the one person you heart truly ache for. It makes you question if you even know what love is or is it just a fevered dream you keep telling yourself is actually a reality. It's even worse when you're trying and trying again breaking up getting back together just for the same outcome it seems. The once beautiful facade is now left with cracks of uncertainty, fear and hurt. It's the hardest at night when your left alone with your own demons they yell and grab you by your already fragile heart saying they don't love you and never did. That's what I dont understand or really want to believe that the person you loved more then your first love couldn't return the love you have for them. It's hard to let go when the only place you feel home is with that one person that you cant have, you seem to lose all sense of reality. You keep falling for that one person no matter the time apart you realize you love them more and more. Your friends all say they are bad for you and they are playing with you but when you see that one person the world stops and you fall to your knees accepting that one moment hoping it could last forever only to have them slip away.
You see I'm let you know my story, but be warned it's still being written and I dont know how things will play out.
I was a boy who met a girl, you know how that goes boy meets girl they fall in love but this time it was different. The day I met my girl was supposed to be my last day on earth but she saw me just as I saw her in a crowd of people. The world for a moment stopped for me and I literally stopped in my tracks when I saw her, she was the most beautiful woman i had ever met. I dont just mean her looks, I saw her soul and I knew she saw mine, I instantly knew she would change my life I just didnt know she become my everything. It's funny I use to make fun of twilight and the imprinting bs but for the lack of a better word I think I did. All I knew was I would be anything or be anyone she needed. I would protect her no matter the cost because the cost of losing her is to much for me to bare. Sometimes I wish life was like a fairytale and I could say I rode my white horse up and swept her away then we both lived happily ever after but life isn't a fairy tell.
We broke up because we wasnt able to handle the feelings we felt because they was so new, we was filled with uncertainty and doubt. With that seed of doubt the people we thought was our friends helped it grow and tore us apart.
Now almost two years later she has someone new but she still messages me telling me she wants to come back home just she can't cause she has to get her life in order. I understand that I do but what she doesnt realizes is that I would live in a box just to be beside her again is all I want. So my friends all say she never loved you and she is bad for you, but I dont know if I'm blinded by love or if Its because I am in love with the girl I knew before all the bad things happened.
Almost two years apart and I feel like I'm going through life's motions up and down but it's like I'm not really here. It feels like she took apart of my soul, I dont feel complete without her here. I can say without a doubt I truly fell for the queen of hearts and she took my heart. I'm the kind of man that is a seeker of truth, that all I want because with the truth I can understand, my weakness and sometimes strength is the fact I want to understand human emotions because sometimes I fear I dont have it.
Everyone thinks I'm okay cause I do everything in my power to mock the situations I'm introduced to rather its interacting with people or just being silent observing people. I dont understand how or what I feel the only time I seem to understand is with women who took my heart. I dont know what to do I'm dying to be able to feel and understand truly what I feel but I fear I have pretend to feel for to long that when I actually feel I wont be able to tell.
My demons are my worse enemies like my friends they say your just in love with the past its different now, they say you wont let go cause your scared you will regret walking away if it is something real. Honestly the only thing I'm scared of is losing her, I fear not being able to have her in my life, I fear that my demons are right she never loved me and I was the best game boy she could have ever played.
My heart say she really loves me but my demons says she only wants you around cause you are her comfort zone. So I just want to understand what I should do so I am writing this in hopes I can come to some epiphany moment will occur.
