#ltabj

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

If you ever find my tumblr,

And- you might.

I sincerely just want to say, from the bottom of my shattered soul-

FUCK YOU.

I deserved better and you know that.

You fucking knew that.

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

“And It’s Just As Good As I Knew It Would Be”

And so I started falling,

Endlessly.

From the clouds- I went.

Falling, laughing, crying, and hostile as hell.

I hit the ground hard and fast and when I finally opened my eyes— I was so confused

My skin was warm and the sun was bright. I looked up and I saw you holding out your hand. Intoxicated with the smell of sweet wine and your laughter. I started running with you —the most irresistible force of fire and life I have ever known.

I didn’t want to understand how this happened. I thought I was dying? I accepted my fate and somehow gravitated to your soul. Like that’s exactly what the universe had planned, pushing me off of the clouds- this is why I had fallen.

Deeply, Madly, Endlessly.

I never knew anything as sweet as you.

With blood on my lip and bruises on my body. You healed a part of me I didn’t know was so broken.

Although my wounds were deeper than I actually knew, you couldn’t get to them. Unaware of the belligerent disruption that was always me.

Embedded into my bones, I felt something snap. I looked down and I was bleeding. My heart fell out of my chest.

We just stared.

Tears flowed down your cheek.

Standing over my shame, you gently picked it up and placed it back into my hands. Giving me a cute little cartoon bandaid, and we continued running.

But,

We ran out of bandaids— that was a shit fucking day. You didn't know what to do. It was storming. Rain was pouring and I couldn't see.

I wiped the water from my eyes when I saw something dark emanating in the distance—monstrous shadows slowly creeping out of the night sky.

They were familiar, and I was terrified.

I knew they were coming for me.

You held me tight and I should have held you tighter. I should have kissed you harder. I screamed as they dug their claws into my feet ripping me away from you.

They took me. Pulled me under. Dragging my body into the concrete. You tried grabbing my hands, you did everything you could, everything. You fought. Cuts and bloody knuckles.

Your heart got broken.

I knew this part was my fault.

I knew them from long ago, and they only got more sinister since I was a kid. I was just so fucking tired. I should have protected you. I should have gave you a clearer warning, but I thought I did, didn’t I?

Maybe you just thought I was joking? Just trying to playfully scare you —like in the movies we’d watch. I have a bad habit of becoming the comedic relief, but unlike the bad acting in chainsaw massacre— this was real, and you didn’t understand. How could you?

They were vicious. They told me you hated me. Told me I was worthless. Fed me poison and told me that love never existed. I scoffed and screamed out your name- giving them the middle finger. It exists. I said.

It got quiet

dead silence filled the air…

Slowly stepping forward, claws dragging on the cold hard ground. They each held up a jagged mirror to my starved and broken body.

Dissociation glazed over my face.

Gripping a fist full of my hair, forcing my tear stained eyes to the image in front of me.

“How could anybody love you?”

A trail of mocking laughter echoed off the walls and I fell to my knees.

You were trying to get back to me. I heard you calling and I so badly wanted you to hear me. Begging to be brought back to the surface.

But It was too late…

I couldn’t escape. I didn’t have a shovel and six feet under wasn’t going to cut it. I had to salvage what was left of my soul.

This time- I wanted to. It honestly brought me no greater joy. Live or eat shit for the rest of your life knowing they will never let you have peace.

It felt like an eternity.

I nearly broke every bone in my body.

Tortured and forgotten until I felt nothing.

For months— I felt nothing.

Stripped from my humanity, the poison of nothingness slowly seeped through my veins.

Having to constantly remind myself that I was even still alive.

Day after day, I was exhausted. Sinking quietly into the abyss. Collecting shards of broken glass left over from previous years. Careful not to sound off the rust covered chains they kept me in.

Faded and numb , raw and bloody, my fingertips were gently tracing the perfect outline.

I was patient.

I waited until they fell dormant. They do this for periods at a time. They’re sensitive to sounds and I was done living in silence.

The darkness almost swallowed me whole when I felt it. Click. My eyes shot open. I didn’t have a spare second.

Quick to my feet, I lured them in with a bang- Throwing my restraints on the floor. They came lunging towards me and I bolted to the bag of jagged mirrors.

Every single loved ones face, Every single regret and moment of betrayal flooded my body.

Nothing but adrenaline in my veins and the memories of grievous shame pounding inside of my head. I wasn’t afraid anymore- I had nothing more to lose than my life. So fuck it.

Cutting them off with determination. They violently clawed after the bag. My fists were bloodied raw as I tried to grip it tight.

Striking the floor. Mirrors shattered in every direction.

Their reflections scattered, but it wasn’t enough.

Dark screeching laughter pulsated through me like nails on a chalkboard.

Palpitating my heart with terror.

Quickly, I slid. Scraping my knee to the only un-shattered piece still left on the rusted stained pavement. I held it up strong while it cut deeply into my palm.

Staring in silence and disbelief.

Unfazed by the glass setting fire to my skin.

Boldness and hell ran through my veins.

“it was you who never existed.”

Rage filled their hollow eyes as they tried for my throat one last time.

Smiling in satisfaction as I waited.

Face to face with their own demise of a faceless existence- They fulminated into ashes.

Falling pure as snow.

twisted echoes fell silent

The smoke cleared and my lungs inhaled deeply.

I could breathe.

Tears silently dripped off the tip of my nose as I looked down on what remained. Standing over the ashes with years of left over rage.

Cursing under my breath.

Spitting onto the ash with spite.

I could have swept what was left under the rug, but I spent too many years doing that.

This was a reminder.

I dusted myself off, and started climbing.

Dirt, sweat and dried up tears covered my entire face.

With my fingertips barely scratching the surface.

I sensed it all at once— Light, Radiance, and Euphoria fell like glitter all around my being.

Finally,

I was free.

I was finally fucking free.

I felt proud. I was grateful. I was healing.

Walking into this new found life, the sun was shining and the trees were swaying in the breeze. I was dancing when it started raining. I smiled, spinning myself around dizzy, joyful-

and there you were.

You looked different.

You looked like you had been searching for me all your life.

It was always you.

Dancing, laughing, as vibrant as the blood moon.

Holding out your hand, impatiently smiling.

“What are you waiting for my love?”

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

We took a picture of my favorite star constellation that night, you know the one— we were untouchable.

Time stopped and euphoric youth ran through our veins. You were the best damn drug I’ve ever tried.

I was so in love with you.

Missing you comes in waves of grief and so many questions.

I think the answers are just ones I’ve avoided, ones you’ve avoided too. Too scared to hurt me. You loved me, you weren’t ready, you didn’t want to bleed on me but you did love me— at least for a time. Nothing can change my mind about that. Absolutely nothing.

Months later you still had the picture as your screen saver. My dog as your profile picture and we were tip toeing around making each other jealous.

I was a fucking mess. You loved me as much as you could and I am so grateful to have known you in that time. So grateful.

We both realized that it had to end. We were two car crashes who couldn’t stop staring at each other.

I miss you, always.

We were wild for each other, weren’t we?

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

I lay here in this room, like I haven’t done it a thousand times before

Breathing slowly, the stillness sets in and I realize that I have never healed from everyone who has never appreciated my worth.

I gave every single last piece of my innocence to thieves of the night.

They brought me fools gold, when I traded in the last bits of my soul.

People keep finding me this way

Lost, damaged and haunted, like a abandoned ship.

They want to keep me for themselves, they want to fix me, they see so much potential.

They never believe me when I tell them they can’t,

The worst part was trying so hard to prove to them I am worth something when I had nothing left to offer.

Whispering sweet nothings in my ear as we dance wildly in temporary oblivion.

The dream world where they get to sail away with me, go on adventures and fuck me raw while the sun sets in shades of purple and red.

but they realize that there’s black mold in the floor boards, theres skeletons in the barrels, the anchor got caught in something dense on the ocean floor.

So they leave me to rot in the waters that I’ve so deeply let myself drown in time and time before

They just love playing pretend, they collect all the most authentic attire,

I was just an accessory.

So I lay here, in this room

and think to myself-

Fuck that.

My worth was never tangible in the first place.

[lowerthanapplebottomj]

The Fog

You laid with me that first night and all the pain I ever felt in my entire life disappeared.

The moment your hand touched mine, I kissed you like a love struck teenager.

Now we hold each other in the fog, not seeing anything that lies in front of us, but your atoms know mine, and I am no stranger to this darkness.

With darkness comes light. Even the darkest clouds have lightning, and that’s exactly how we found each other.

Our souls scattered, screaming out precious commandments of faith that one day things will get better.

And it will. My love, it will.

I lost myself so I could find you

So please,

Let us sway to the rhythm we’ve danced in the several lives my soul has known yours.

Let’s speak our silent language until the end of our days.

Let me show you where to go.

Take my hand.

I know the way.