I’m Sorry: Chapter Thirty-One (Final Chapter)
OH MY GOD THE END IS HERE. Okay, so, the ending. Please tell me what you think of it because I actually did put a lot of thought into it and hope it doesn’t suck badly. I thank all those who have read this story and especially Juju who inspired one of the characters and also read through chapters for me. Thank you my friend, I love you~.
Previous Chapters are here.
Previous Chapters for Mobile Users is here.
Chapter Thirty-One:
‘Incheon Airport. Meet me there at 5 AM.’
Lynn stared at the text, her heart thumping in her chest. Her first thoughts were that Luhan was going to see Kris, but that seemed so unlikely. Everyone knew it was really official at this point. He wasn’t coming back.
She had to talk Luhan out of going somewhere. Exo had just got back from China and the tour was meant to go onto Japan next month. She figured he was probably trying to do some crazy romantic date-thing with her, like flying to China to eat dinner there but they couldn’t afford that. Nor could he afford the bad publicity if they were caught.
Lynn looked at her bedside clock. It was twenty after three in the morning. If she was going to get there early to settle her own stupid anxious habits, she would have to leave soon. She hated herself for her uncontrollable urge to be places early, but she’d rather just do what she needed to allow her mind to be at ease. At least this wasn’t as dumb as showing up an hour early to see a movie; this was significantly more important and she could actually justify it her neurotic behavior.
She got up and grabbed some clothes, sneaking out of her room and into the bathroom to have a shower. She undressed and then crept towards the tub, trying to turn the knob quietly despite the fact that she couldn’t control the sound of the water. She quickly hoped in and got under the stream, wetting her long hair.
While she washed her hair, she thought about meeting Luhan and what she was going to say to him to convince him to save impulsive ideas for another day. By the time she realised she had chewed the inside of her cheek raw, she had rehearsed the entire conversation in her head twice. In her mind, it went rather well, but nothing ever worked out as simple as it did when she imagined it.
After Lynn finished, she towel dried her hair and wished she could blow dry, but she’d wake up both Cam and Jae and that wasn’t an option. They had a meeting with the board at seven and everyone needed their rest. She rolled her eyes at the fact that she could be sleeping, but pushed that criticism aside. It was her fault for being too anxious about the meeting to sleep in the first place anyways, not Luhan’s for texting her.
She looked both ways before going back to her room and checking the time. It was forty after three now. Her phone seemed to be missing and she found herself moving stuff off her bedside table and growing increasingly frustrated with the fact that it was nowhere to be found. She looked towards her bed and made her way over to it, staring down at the lump of twisted blankets rather judgmentally before settling to grab her comforter and shake it out rather forcefully. Lynn watched in slow motion as her phone, clad in a blue case, dropped to the floor.
“Oh, just go home and fuck off,” she swore as she looked down at the device lying on her floor rather impassively. After a few seconds, she shook her head and bent down to pick it up.
When she turned it over, she could see that the source of the shattered screen was at the very corner of the phone, where it must have initially hit the ground. Lynn just stared at it listlessly for a couple minutes, possibly reconsidering all of her major decisions in life, before actually trying to unlock it. The screen lit up but she couldn’t see a fucking thing clearly except for one of the digits of the clock.
“Well, fuck me,” she groaned as she tossed it on her bed, knowing it was pretty much a paperweight now until she could get it fixed. The stylist grabbed her work-phone instead, putting it inside the pocket of her jeans. Her company had insisted that she use an iPhone, so now she had two phones; which, in any other case than what just happened, was useless.
She grabbed her purse, pulled on her shoes and then checked herself in the mirror once more. Lynn decided to change her hair and tied it up into a ballerina bun on the top of her head, knowing that was better than it just making her clothes damp because it was still wet. When she left her room to get out of the apartment, it was ten to four.
…
The cab ride was long. Sometimes she hated Seoul; there was always traffic no matter the time and it took forever to get anywhere by car. Not to mention some of the cab drivers could be kind of frightening with the way they drove around. That wasn’t exactly new to her though, people drove like lunatics in big cities and she had lived in New York for two years.
Nevertheless, Lynn felt like they were crawling as she looked out the window with tired eyes, watching other cars pass by. If it wasn’t so far, she’d just walk there. She had a system that she followed; if was out of a ten-block radius from her apartment, she took the bus or a cab. If it was within, she walked. This was very well outside that radius.
When they finally got to the airport, she thanked the driver in her best Korean and gave him a very small bow of her head as she handed him the won it cost. When he drove off, she turned to look at the doors of the airport and swallowed hard, suddenly feeling very small in the shadow of the building. She flicked her tongue over the part of her cheek that was raw and sore to remind herself not to start chewing it again and then pushed herself forwards.
When she got inside, she immediately started looking for Luhan but didn’t see him anywhere. If he had bought tickets for a flight, he had to be around here somewhere; she wasn’t that early. Lynn settled for sitting on a bench and just kept a look out, knowing she couldn’t just text him to let him know she was there. She was reminded of being in the restaurant waiting for him back before the tour started when Kris first left. Nauseous anxiety settled at the bottom of her stomach, but she ignored it; this wasn’t going to go the same as it did before. This wasn’t exactly something he could easily bail on.
Right when she considered calling him from her work-phone, she finally spotted him but only because he made himself obvious to her. Luhan took his sunglasses off and his facemask. He didn’t smile like he usually did, which unnerved her a little. Lynn took in a deep breath and then stood to her feet, crossing the open area to where he was standing. They were not secluded out of the public eye but they weren’t exactly in anyone’s way either. He took her hands in his, looking into her eyes but not saying any words yet.
Lynn began chewing on the inside of her cheek again despite it being raw as she studied him. She had last seen him a week ago, but he looked worse than ever. Sickly wasn’t the right word to describe what she saw…it was more like he was beyond being in an exhausted state; he was completely and utterly run-down. The patch of skin under his eyes was tinted purple, his face was thin, and his hands shook lightly in hers. When she looked down at the back of his hands, she could see the bruise clearly where he had an IV drip put in at one point. There was no denying he wasn’t well and suddenly it occurred to her they were not there for some kind of romantic get-away. Jae had said there were rumours about another member leaving.
“Han…” she said quietly. Her words came out a little weak, like her throat was slowly swelling and cutting off her ability to speak.
“Baobei, don’t worry about me,” he said lightly as he gave her a weak smile, “I’m working on getting better.”
It was like she was sitting in their work room with Kris again. It was like she was hearing about how the company wasn’t taking care of him all over again. Except this time it wasn’t Kris who was sick, it was Luhan. She didn’t understand how SM didn’t learn their lesson about neglect when Kris left and was baffled that this was literally happening just months after the lesson was taught.
“Lynn, I have to go,” he told her quietly, his voice straining a little. He held her hands tightly, thumbs rubbing at her skin.
She knew he had to. She thought out the scenario every which way she could, but at the end of the day his health was at risk. He looked more like a sick person than her aunt had when she had been diagnosed with cancer. Just like her aunt had to cut out the toxins, he did too.
Lynn swallowed hard, pushing all of her fears down as she began to tell him things she knew were not true. “We can talk every day on the phone and meet up on breaks. I’m not afraid of long distance.”
“Your breaks or mine?” he asked her as he looked down at their hands.
“Both,” she responded quickly, now just saying things before giving herself time to think them through.
“And if they don’t overlap? What happens when our schedules are so different we cannot make time for each other?”
His questions seemed more rhetorical, but she was still trying to think of answers to give him anyways. No matter what she thought of, her mind knew it wouldn’t work. She had to adhere to the schedule of her company and he would mostly likely go back to China and build a career for himself there.
He let go of her hands and everything inside her suddenly began to feel strained, like the tether between them was threatening to snap. It sent her into a panic, but before she could really freak out, he reached into his back pocket and handed her something. “It doesn’t have to be that hard, Lynn.”
She knew it was a plane ticket without checking. Her fingers shook around the small folder it sat in and she was scared she might rip through it if she couldn’t calm down. Lynn took several deep breaths, resolving to hold it with one hand as she tried to rein in her emotions.
“You can come with me. Start your own business there, I mean if you can do it here, you can do in China,” he told her gently. “You can be my assistant if you want to be. I don’t care, as long as you’re there with me.”
And just like that, she began to feel sick.
“But Cam,” she retorted pathetically, her voice uneven and her heart unsure.
Luhan didn’t look into her eyes. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, eyes trained on her hands that shook so badly it seemed as if she hadn’t eaten anything in hours. He took them in his again, trying to offer her some kind of physical anchor to steady herself with but his hands were shaking too.
“You have helped Cam the best you can,” he told her quietly, almost like he was afraid to say the words. “She has Jae.”
And then she thought of her friends. She saw them clearly in her head, laughing about something stupid as they ate takeout on the couch. She was between them, smiling as she took a sip of her drink and poked Jae in the side lightly. The room was warm and dimly lit, making her feel at ease and comfortable. Jae and Cam never felt like intruders, they felt like a part of her. They existed beside her.
There were so many nights like that in which they shared and the mere feelings the memories brought her felt like home. They had been together as a team for five years and she wasn’t sure she knew what it meant to live without them being around. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
“Han, I can’t,” she said as she pushed the ticket into his hands and shook her head.
She was overwhelmed; the tears sprung in her eyes before she even felt the lump in her throat. Lynn covered her mouth, standing there and holding her stomach. The three of them had built a life together, they had worked so hard for their dreams and despite everything they bickered about they were a team. Jae had made it clear the company wanted them together as a unit and she didn’t think she had it in her to take that away from them…away from herself.
“Lynn,” he said weakly, touching the spot on her arm where he knew her words existed. “It says ‘a little bit’ here.” Luhan held up his own arm, a small laugh escaping his chest, “and it says ‘Jesus stop fucking for a moment of your life’ right here. Come to China with me; it’s going to be hard at first, but we can do this…we’re soulmates.”
Lynn couldn’t help but think he said that like it was supposed to be some kind of magical solution to the distress she was feeling. They were soulmates. They had known and rushed into a relationship, falling head over heels. There was no doubt in her mind that she loved him more than she knew how to love herself.
But that was all it was.
She had spent five years building the foundation of a relationship with her best friends; they had been there for her when she hadn’t even known Luhan’s name. Jae had held her while she cried endlessly about Nate, she had been there when Lynn stopped eating, and she had been there to drag her out of her depression.
Cam had been there to help her navigate through her job without shutting down. She had helped her do the smallest tasks that seemed impossible to Lynn for the last five years. Cam had been the friend who believed in her and right now Cam needed Lynn. She needed her more than she wanted to admit and Lynn couldn’t ignore that.
Lynn couldn’t destroy everything the three of them had built together. Moving to China took her out of Seoul, the base of the company they worked with. She couldn’t afford to commute and the company would never allow it, not to mention they’d question her commitments. Going to China with Luhan meant endangering the relationship her company had with SM Entertainment and they would sooner throw the three of them out together then piss off one of their clientele.
Lynn could not throw all their dreams out the window. Not for a man who had been a part of her life for less than a year. Not for someone who probably didn’t even know her mother’s name or about the stress of her childhood. When Lynn really thought about it, she and Luhan hardly knew a thing about each other and at the end of the day, that wasn’t enough. It would never be enough to knowingly tear their lives apart. She couldn’t do that to them. Not for him, not for anyone, even if it did mean she was taking the main source of her happiness directly out of her life.
“Our connection,” she spoke quietly, fighting every nerve in her body just to speak as tears rolled down her cheeks, “it’s just an instinct. It doesn’t mean anything…not like they do. Han, Cam and Jae are a part of me. I can’t leave them, especially not when leaving them will ruin their careers and everything the three of us have worked for together. You may be the ultimate source of my happiness, but they are a big part of the reason I have survived through the years and I can’t throw that away…they make me happy too.”
He let go of her then, looking more than wounded. “I see.”
His eyes held a deep sadness and just like that, the ache in her chest began. Lynn felt like the thread connecting them was straining again, taut and pulling at her chest painfully. She hung her head, knowing there was only one last thing to say to him in this scenario.
“You don’t have to do this, Han,” she whispered, her voice coming out as a plea. She wiped at the tears on her face, her stomach churning inside her body as more formed immediately. She knew more than anyone that her words weren’t true, but she resolved to beg him to stay anyways. “Please don’t go.”
He spoke her name softly, his voice uneven. He knew he couldn’t assure her that he wouldn’t leave this time. He couldn’t hold her close and run his fingers through her hair and whisper it would be alright. He wouldn’t be there in the morning when she woke up, looking at her with a soft smile.
It caused him to step back; just like he had known what his first words would be to her, he knew these would be his last. “I’m sorry.”
And then the tether snapped.
…
“Where the hell is she?” Jae asked as she came out of Lynn’s room. The three of them had a half an hour to be at the company building and in one of the board meeting rooms. “Lynn is never late for anything, for fuck’s sake, she makes us go to the movies an hour early.”
“Maybe she left early?” Cam said as she yawned, pouring herself a cup of coffee.
That didn’t feel right to Jae. Lynn knew how important this meeting with the board was, not to mention the three of them were still solidifying their reputation as very trustworthy and reliable. The CEO had made it clear to Jae that the three of them were a team or they were nothing at all.
“You think something is wrong, don’t you?” Cam asked, her lips pulling into a frown as she set her mug down.
“Lynn isn’t the type of throw off her responsibilities…” Jae said as she turned back to look in in her friend’s room.
Cam followed her, crossing her arms as she leaned in the doorway. “Maybe she went to stay with Luhan last night.”
“Her work bag is still here and her laptop,” Jae said as she spotted them on the floor. “If she had gone to stay with him she would have just left from there.”
“Well, I can always call her…” Cam said with a shrug, reaching into her shirt and grabbing her phone from her bra. She went to her call history and found Lynn, tapping her name and holding the phone to her ear as she waited for it to ring.
Both of them looked towards the bed when they heard her ringtone go off and Jae was the first to pick up the phone. She stared down at the cracked screen pensively and then frowned. Jae swallowed hard and looked up at Cam before taking out her own phone and dialed Lynn’s work number.
Her stomach started doing flips when she didn’t pick up by the second ring and by the third she was feeling sick. Her hands shook when she heard the click of the answering machine picking up and she looked up at Cam when Lynn’s voice floated through the speaker.
Hi, you have reached Lynn Lopez, Fashion Stylist at K&K Management. If you leave your name, number, and reason for calling, I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a nice day.