Prodigy Listicle Child Identified
Listicle fans rejoiced Monday, after the announcement that a prodigy listicle writer had been identified. Hailing from Salt Lake City in Utah, 13 year old Jonah has already been publishing award-winning listicles. His Parents, Kyle and Sam, described when they first knew that their son was destined to push out great content. “At just a few months old, he was already posting articles about the realization of depth perception and the top five nipples to suckle from,” explained Kyle. “I was so honored when my nipples were all five on the list, though I was surprised that picture accompanied each post,” continued Sam.
Jonah has already received offers from several major listicle sites hoping to tap his seemingly limitless content-creating abilities, though he says that the most interesting offer he has received has been from NASA. “John Dalton proposed that the natural world was built of discrete, microscopic units called atoms. I propose that our reality, at the most base level, is comprised of vibrating nano-listicles, and I think NASA will allow me to explore that possibility more thoroughly than Buzzfeed,” explained Jonah.
When asked about his personal life, Jonah elaborated on how his talent made personal relationships difficult. “When I look at people, I don’t see John or Nancy, I only see the perfect reaction gifs for them. People show me their new puppy or kitten, but they are lost in the endless sea of cute animal lists I’ve posted. I have looked into the abyss, and within lies only listicles, and death.”