#lupus rant

[mollynix]

I just want to make it through my best friend’s wedding.

[frankenfae]

oof coronavirus really got me mad at sooooooooo many people like this person I knew a long time ago says her son has an immune disorder so everyone needs to stay home for him, because he's only a child. Which pisses me off. The rhetoric of it. The please do X to save MY personal friend/loved one. It's like no, don't use pathos, please. That same logic is being used to say no one should have to follow social distancing and let the old die because financial ruin is bigger and it's older people. They're old already, so fuck em.. and she flipped it to say he's only 4!! well, ya know, lives matter. Period. Whether they're 40 or 4 or 97. That's still a life. That's still awful to choose to condemn a populus to death by way of a pandemic and not following rules and anyways the whole thing pisses me off allll the way. and also this is why I never say I have lupus. This is why I hate to bring it up even. I don't want it to be about me or my story, because it negates the message the second you personalize it.

[wakalakamakapuja]

Trying to take your arthritis meds but not being able to open them because of your arthritis #justterethings

[psychelocktango]

Goal for today: work my two shifts. That's it. Outcome: my body is a piece of shit that just loves pushing buttons of pain so instead I have prolonged constant and INCREASING PAIN ugh I hate canceling on them just cause my body is a bitch

[daydreamthoughts]

Anxiety and depression

I use to to take anxiety medicine when I was in school. Mainly because of my Lupus I had this extreme fear of death and I had a lot of social anxiety. After I got out of school I slowly stopped taking it. I didn't want to be dependent on it, like I wanted to be mentally strong on my own. I always thought like when I get out there and meet people specially guys I don't want them to know I take anxiety medicine because of being afraid of death. I mean I take one in the morning and I also take another that is  used for sleeping. It's an antidepressant but it helps for sleep. So to say I take two different things once in the am and once in the pm I have always been afraid people will judge my sanity I guess. I just want to be mentally and physically stronge by myself.

But recently I realized how much I need my morning anxiety medicine. Specially after my recent falir up. Like normally my flair ups don't last thing long. But my anxiety is so bad that I don't sleep anymore and I have constant headaches and I always fear Im dying. Today was the first day in months that I have took it. I think Im coming to terms with the fact that I will always need my anxiety medicine and I have to figure out a way to climb over that hill of being okay with it. I also have to figure out how to be strong enough to not depend on it. It's like I don't want to start feeling anxious and then think "Oh just take the pills and everything will be fine" I want to be able to tell myself that everything will be okay and I will believe it. 

Honestly lately my anxiety and my depression has made me so insecure. Like I've been insecure about my personality or like my ability to do things. And I've always had minor things that I don't like about myself like everyone does. But recently it's been so bad where I think maybe I'll always be alone. Like I'll always have my friends and my family but I'll never find someone who will love me. I talked to an old friend the other night. In high school he was my best guy friend and he's always had feelings for me, like he puts me on this pedestal where he act's like I'm perfect or something. He asked if I have found my "prince charming" yet and I said no. Then he went on this rant where he couldn't believe that I "turn every guy down" how I don't see how "beautiful" that I am. But that's the thing. There isnt and guys that I turn down. Im not this girl that get's attention from guys like he thinks. It's easy for me to forget about until he brings it up because then Im just reminded how along I really am. Now Im sure a lot of you are like 'if he has feelings for you then why not date him' but for people who don't know us wouldn't understand that him and I are not fit to be a couple. I think him and I have way to many demons on our own that neither of us will ever be strong enough for eachother.

I have never been this person who ever thought about herself because I tend to put others before me. I always thought it was because I am a motherly person. My parents always say I was born to be a mother. I take care of others. I thought that if I just stepped back and focused on myself I would be happy. You know like when people take a day for them, but then I realized how much everything makes me upset, how much that I can say that I am happy with the way my life is. How Im not as strong as I thought I was.