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@mollynix
Reading back through some old journal pages and found this quote (which I think I copied down from a reply or maybe the tags) and I think it's something everyone with a chronic illness/disability needs:
"Even if you don't need an aid to survive, you are allowed to get aids in order to thrive." - @stargazingdustbunny
Ranting for the sake of getting it out:
Over the years I have been the voice for so many friends and strangers. Uplifting and helping them through the tough transition of needing mobility devices. I have told people off. I have held people crying. I have enjoyed putting smiles on faces even if it’s just body doubling them as the walk around the store etc. mind you CNA for almost 20 years!
This year I have been extra dependent on my cane. My sister had a very sweet conversation with me about a trip we our taking our families on. The inability I may not be able to last all day. The theme park you can rent a chair. The anxiety set in once I did the research. The theme park have a first come first serve rental system. In order to by pass all stress of having a bad time I PURCHASED MY VERY FIRST WHEELCHAIR. My sweet step son sat with me for two hours while I dove off the deep end head first. Measuring. Researching. Debating. Crying. I ordered one with confidence.
Fast forward to the next day and the anxiety to a situation that happened the end of April. My other two sister changing my name on messenger to “No Spoon Having Ass” mass panic set in. Why is the world such a dark place. To make things worse why is family the biggest abusers of all. They watch you struggle and push through. Yet, they still belittle and torment you till you place your self in a box till you become shit in and disassociated? I think I’m pretty successful. I work two jobs. I push through and still manage to keep going even with two kids, a declining father, business oriented partner.
The fear of my bio family seeing me in a chair and their rude ass dialogue has me panicking to the point of feeling like I shouldn’t be seen or heard.
When people around you are making things happen and you have felt stuck and unsuccessful for a long time it really brings those incentives up even more than before.
Some days I feel like throwing my hands in the air. Giving up. I have hard days that I really struggle with my body. I can’t show that side to anyone. It’s better to suffer in silence. That’s what I have been told. Now that it’s ingrained into my head from my past. Be silent push through. Live for others because are not worthy of love.
Working two full time jobs. Paying bills with no saving and nothing to show. Nothing to say you see all this hard work bought that dream home, dream car, that big garden, nothing.
I never want to be looked at as ya she is the sick girl. She who cries wolf. She who is helpless or worthless. So… I sit silent. Broken. Forgot.
Lately more insecurity come up.
I thought I was at the bottom.
Suddenly I’m swallowed whole.
Darkness creeps in.
If tomorrow this illness took my life. They would say. Not surprised. She was fat. She was didn’t take care of her self. Who would really know her enough to say she gave everything and expected nothing.
Here I sit crying inside never to show my broken piece. Never to ask for help to be glued back together.
Forever that back shelf porcelain doll.
🖤🧡🖤beautiful soul
I just want to make it through my best friend’s wedding.
Seriously I think everyone has at least felt this a time or two.
Day after day the feeling never goes away. After a 8 year marriage 9 years together. The trauma of being yelled at and having things thrown at my face for even stating I was tired after a 16 hour shift. It’s hard to openly talk about all the things In the picture. Happily divorced and found my person.
Things I wish I could say without ridicule:
This was not in my job description.
I think it’s unfair that we have assigned parking and I’m the furthest parking spot away from the door based off I’m the youngest when I am indeed permanently disabled and have the paperwork to prove it and a handicap parking permit.
My body is relapsing and I need to have the day off or work from home.
My legs lost feeling. I CANT WALK A-HOLE!
I need help.
Why am I always the responsible adult.
I know there are many medications for this issue. We don’t share a body. In return you don’t know my pain tolerance or my thrush-hold. Trust me. If I wanted medication I’ll go to a doctor’s office.
I sleep 15 hours. Yes. I am still tired. Let me fall back to sleep and you do what you wanted me to do.
Is it just me or is EVERY community falling a part internally?
Fair
Its been a hot sec!
Well, I am back. Back here to do what I do best. What have you missed...well, Since you asked. I have moved to Washington state to start a whole new life. I am working my ass off as always. I am working multiple jobs. My favorite job is my side hustle. I am a sex educator with pure romance. I am the dildo lady hahah. Fun time fun times. I love all the wild ones.
How I feel about my heart. So sick of heart break.
My Heart
My heart slowly fades into the nigh Numb from the pain Pain in which I wish I could feel Who thought I'd want to feel after all this Nights of crying wishing it wasn't silent Deep into a pillow Almost suffocating myself Just to be sure no one can hear. Wishing that the verbal knife would be pulled from my chest Some days I wish it was physical only to view my chest cavity to be reassure that my heart is still there.
When your guy says good morning and you've got a hangover from meds and don't want to function.
My New journey
So like most of you know life always throws you a curve ball.well,my curveball had just been released out of someone's hand and now it's all about me standing there at Homeplate bat in hand ready to take a swing at this thing called life once again. Finding my purpose all over again. Determined not to strike out. I will overcome all my battles again.
